Yesterday's lesson in anxiety sucked. Fortunately, my blood sugar levels are much better today. I forgot to log what I've been eating over the last several days. As such, I don't know what caused yesterday to be such a pain in the ass. I'm still running a blood sugar level higher than I want it to be (170s instead of 150s) but I've been awake and getting things done today.
I was tired and I tried to take a nap this morning when there were people outside working. That went about as well as can be expected. I suppose I managed about a half hour before I just couldn't stand it anymore and I got up. I didn't sleep the best last night. I kept having really vivid dreams. One was my being at a pizza party at the bowling alley (which I think has been closed) where my mother humiliated me in front of my class. It was supposed to be a birthday party, but she turned it into something about her by announcing to everyone at full volume that she was, as per my description, a bitch and everyone should remember it. Mind you, I didn't talk about my family at school at all. But, in this dream, it was not a repeat of the memory.
The bowling alley was completely empty and there was this massive sheet pizza with ALL the toppings you could think of. I stood there looking at it and then around the bowling alley. I then said, "Well, this was the only good thing that came out of that day anyways." Then I woke up for a few minutes. When I fell back to sleep, I had a little bit more detailed of a dream.
I dreamed that Beloved, I, and a group of old friends/acquaintances from high school were opening up a bar/restaurant where a dive bar is located currently in our hometown. The kids ran around playing and helping with small chores as we did things like move furniture and hang curtains. It was a pleasant dream. Partly because in the dream I was healthy and able to help do stuff like move furniture.
If I were to sit here and interpret theses dreams, I would say that I should let go of the past moments where I was humiliated and reach out to old friends to make my dreams happen. I'm not quite sure how to approach the second part. I'm not very good at being social. I also feel a fair amount of guilt over the fact that I'd be asking people to do things for me just on the basis of our friendship.
Growing up, I learned that friendship was something you gave and didn't expect anything back from it. And that it was rare. I went to school with some real assholes who regularly did shit that humiliated me. Now, I find myself considering (idly) things like getting a hold of the people who made my life miserable in high school and pushing my books in their direction, in the hope that theoretical guilt over their treatment of me equates to purchasing a book. I realize, however, that is an improbability on the scale of my accomplishing teleportation by pure force of will.
Old friends, however, may be a helpful network. It'd be good to see how their lives are turning out and if they have achieved those dreams we all talked about when we were kids. I may not have the spoons to market to the entire world, but maybe I can to some old friends and let them know that I appreciate their continued support and friendship. I don't know.
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