I'm racist but working on fixing that.

*Content Warning: Sexual Harassment*

I posted a thread about this on twitter. I'm going to post a blog post about it too because it is important and writing about this kind of shit helps me process it. I could just copy and paste my twitter thread but that requires effort.

I was 20-something and working in the campus cafe at college. It was a typical Friday evening. At the end of the shift, the other gals had left to go do stuff and I got the short straw (aka the dishes to wash). As I was standing at the sink, I had my back to the rest of the kitchen. Aside from myself the only other person there was the supervisor from the campus food services, who ran the cafe and such). A- was a big, latino guy. He was known around campus for his genial attitude and big smile. Among the staff of the cafe, he was known for trying to get 'friendly' with us girls.

So, I was standing at the sink, boxed in to a corner by the virtue of how the cafe was built. (I sincerely hope that feature was fixed.) A- walked up behind me and started 'talking sexy' at me. I am a survivor of sexual assault. I panicked. I reached into the sink and grabbed the first handle I touched. I thought it was a ladle given the size of it. I picked it up and turned around. As A-'s face went white, I realized I was holding a butcher's knife in my hand. I told A- to back off and leave me and my friends alone. I then dropped the knife into the sink and walked out of the cafe. I made a point of watching my back as I crossed the campus, pausing for a moment to pick up a hefty stick that had fallen from a tree just in case A- followed me. When I got to my dorm room, my roommate was surprised I was back early. She saw I was upset but I didn't talk about it. I was pretty sure if I did, I was going to lose my job with the cafe, which I needed to afford textbooks next semester.

Ever since that incident, I get scared around latino men. I had a therapist soothingly tell me that I was just experiencing anxiety. I had the same therapist tell me that all I had to do to get over it was to breathe deeply. (She tried, but she wasn't a good therapist.) It took a lot of soul searching and careful thought to realize that this was more than being triggered by a person having a physical resemblance to A-. It was all latino men that I had this response to. I felt terrible when I realized that my fear had turned me into a racist.

That was when I made the conscious decision to rewire my brain. I'm working very hard not letting that fear lead me forward. I'm working very hard to see each latino man that I meet as an individual person. I'm working very hard to learn about the rich culture of the latinx community. The latter is a bit challenging because I live in lily white rural WNY where there's a lot of racism on the sly. I can't blame my PTSD for my racism. It may have contributed to the development of it, but it stayed around because I didn't challenge the assumptions that all latino men were a threat to me.

It it hard. It takes a lot of conscious effort and working to remember that A- was an individual asshole. One asshole does not an entire community make. So, I admit I am a racist, but I'm working to fix that and to teach my children not to be ones. The latter is a little easier, to be honest.