I am not happy right now. I've been having emotional flashbacks over the last little while. I have had a great deal of anxiety. It's been crap-tacular. I'm still trying to nail down what has been triggering the flashbacks. I figured out one trigger and it really sucks. It is the sound of really small children. It is not one that I get to hear all the time. But, when we're at the park it happens. Also, my dear boys have decided that playing pretend is more effective with sound effects off of Amazon. Snuggle Bug has been on a kick to pretend that he is a father and he found a play list of baby babbling and crying. The net result is I come away from it all feeling afraid and profoundly grief stricken. I have to leave the room or I risk bursting into tears for no apparent reason.
Now, one may ask, why would such a sound evoke this response. Well, when Snuggle Bug was still an infant, my life was put into tumult by mental illness and the ... official response to my cry for help. It traumatized me deeply. I'm realizing that there are other triggers that I'm still trying to uncover that provoke the terror that I'm going to be locked away from my family never to return home. It's been a really rough couple of months as my c-ptsd has been acting up.
My psychiatrist is of the opinion that one of my anti-anxiety medications isn't working properly. Rather than trying a random medication, he's ordered a genetic test that tests a battery of psychiatric medications against my genes to figure out what processes correctly and what doesn't work worth a damn. I'm anxious about this test. I am struggling with the feeling that I have some how failed because my medication isn't working right.
It's all just pretty shitty, to be honest.
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