Making progress slowly but surely.

Behold my workspace. Missing from this picture is my mug of instant chai that has been fueling my writing this afternoon. I am just about at what I needed my word count to be by today. I will be pushing to get another 10 pages done by the time I head to bed for the evening. That will take the pressure off of tomorrow.

Tomorrow is probably going to be a bad day for writing. The kids are home from school because of a teacher's planning day. I'd be taking them outside to run around in the snow tomorrow but the weather report is calling for bitter temperatures.

If nothing else, tomorrow may work to rest my right wrist a bit. I think I strained it a bit when I was writing things out longhand on Tuesday. Hence my compression gloves and my wrist support band. Though, a part of me laughs at the idea of my taking a break from doing stuff that uses my hands because I have a shawl I'm knitting, a scarf I'm knitting, and I want to get started on some stuff for charity. I think as I get more work in, my wrist will loosen up. That, at least, is my hope.

Long Day is Long.

I have been running like a madwoman for the last few days. It seems like Saturday and today blended into one. For one thing, the dishes seem to have been perpetual. Even with Beloved jumping in for a round, they're still not done. I am so annoyed with this. The kids have been picking up toys almost as much as they have been complaining about it. (That is to say it has been happening a lot.) I think, however, this place is clean enough that tomorrow I may actually be able to bust out the vacuum cleaner and get the floors kinda straightened up.

I am almost finished with the right front section of the Lady of the Forest shawl that I've been knitting since August. (I knit kinda slow, alright? I'm trying to get faster. And, in my defense, I was working on a ton of Yule gifts at the same time.) I casted on for a scarf to give Beloved for Yule this year. It's going to be out of the same yarn as his fingerless gloves. This will sort of match the hat that I made him last year too. I'm not going to make the mistake that I did with the last scarf I knit and just keep adding sections until I get bored. This thing will be no longer then 4 ft. I am not going to give him a Dr. Who scarf for Yule.

I have started the process of planning what I'm making people for Yule this year. In addition to his scarf, I'm going to be making him a sweater. I found the pattern in one of my magazines for a sleeveless sweater. Apparently the original pattern dates back to WWI era. I may have to make some adjustments but I am pretty sure that I won't have any trouble with that. I am seriously considering making smaller versions of it for the boys as well. Because a sweater that I don't have to make sleeves is pretty awesome.

I think I'm finally starting to come out of the lastest depressive episode. Over the last few hours, I have been feeling more like myself. Hopefully this means that I will wake up and have enough energy to get the last of those dishes done after I put the boys on the bus to school. I am slowly making progress on that manuscript I'm working on. I still don't have a title for it yet. I'm somewhat annoyed with that but I think it will resolve itself soon.

Stupid Meatsuit.

A friend of mine who is also disabled refers to her body as her meatsuit. Honestly, I didn't think much about the expression until I started feeling rotten. Then I found myself using it. Today, I want to trade my meatsuit in for a model that doesn't have bruised ribs, crippling anxiety, and depression.

I'm upset that this time last week I was relatively ok. Then I started having problems with my temper, which happens when I go into a mixed episode. Then I became indifferent to the whole world. I figured this meant that the 'fun' was over. My mixed episode lasted from Friday night to Monday morning. It was pretty much par for the course. Monday to Tuesday evening, I was pretty much apathetic. I wasn't depressed, just indifferent to everything. Again, I didn't think much of it. I haven't been sleeping well because I'm still recovering from having bruised ribs (which feels like it is taking FOREVER to heal) and when I don't sleep well I'm pretty apathetic towards the world.

Then Wednesday morning, I woke up feeling a little depressed. My mood just got worse as the day wore on. I was torn between the urge to go hide from everything, curl up in bed and sleep all day, and fury that this was happening again. The depression comes in waves. When I'm not feeling really depressed, I'm irritable and angry with the whole damn situation. I feel terrible about this.

I wanted to go out and do stuff this week. I have a huge bag of soda bottles that I wanted to take to the bottle redemption center up the road. I wanted to get the grocery shopping done today so that I didn't have to worry about it Saturday. And get all the sheets in the house to the laundromat and washed before the weekend hit. Now it is Thursday and I have none of those things. I still have bags of clean laundry sitting around the apartment from when I did laundry on Sunday, waiting to be folded and put away.

The only reason why this place isn't a complete disaster is because every night I have been having the kids pick up their toys before they go to bed. My issues are telling me that I'm a failure as a wife and mother. I can't seem to get enough rest when I try to sleep at night. I feel sore and uncomfortable because of my ribs and when I look in the mirror I feel like I'm fat and ugly, but in too much discomfort to really do anything about it. Because exercising with bruised ribs isn't such a good idea. I just feel rotten and like everything I do is wrong. And wondering what the point to taking these medications are.

That is when I have to remind myself that I'm on the antipsychotics so I don't start hearing voices telling me to do horrible things. And that the antidepressants are keeping the depression from being worse then the damn thing is right now. I just want my life back and I want to be able to have stuff not feel like it sucks so often. But I guess that is like wanting to own a piece of the moon.  Just not going to happen unless something huge happens. Which is depressing all by itself.

Cardinals in the Snow.

Right now, there are three cardinals pecking bird seed out of the snow. The sight of them warmed my heart. I'm not sure if the landlord or the town is responsible for the clearing out of the trees behind the house, but it was something that had me upset. They're just about done now and I honestly thought we were done seeing songbirds. The trio of cardinals gives me hope that I will see more birds over the next coming months.

Perhaps if the weather wasn't so awfully cold, the birds would be at the feeder more. Today, we have started the day out at 4 deg F^o and a bit of wind. The kids didn't notice it much because of how bundled up they are. Cuddle Bear's new snowpants are a bit large on him but I've discovered you can use a belt to cinch them down a bit to fit better. I am pleased with this development. Until I made this discovery this morning, I was attempting to use safety pins for this purpose. That was not working out well at all.

The neighbors at the bus stop today were remarking on how bitter the weather has been. We all agree that the wind chill is worse for the lack of the trees in back. I hope that my heating bills won't go up but I fear that they will because of that wind. I suppose one good thing to come out of this is that the back deck will have more sunlight. This means I can grow more things there. I'm not entirely thrilled with the lack of privacy that I had before.

It was something nice to be able to go outside and enjoy the day with the trees screening me from the neighbors across the way. With them gone now, you can see all the way over to Big Tree Road and the lakeside. Being situated at the north end of Conesus Lake, we get a stiff breeze off of it most of the time, most days. I suppose we'll be able to see the fireworks from the Ring of Fire next summer. The kids may enjoy that. But I'm still inclined to grumble and be upset about the loss of the trees.

All I could think as I was unfortunately forced to listen to the noise of them cutting down the trees was of how they were destroying that little ecosystem and the poor, defenseless trees. I have a fondness for trees and it always upsets me when people cut them down. This is why I prefer live yule trees. I'm thinking about growing a dwarf tree in a large pot on the back deck to sort of make up for (in some tiny, insignificant way) the loss of the other trees in back.

MLK Day, No school.

We were going to go visit my sister-in-law today but Snuggle Bug was talking about how his stomach was bothering him. The last time he was talking about his stomach bothering him first thing in the morning, he got sick to his stomach within the first hour of being up. To say the least, I didn't want to risk that so we've stayed home. Now, we're approaching lunch time and he seems to be fine. I am a wee bit annoyed with how that worked out. Ah well, that is how life goes sometimes, I suppose.

They're still ripping out trees behind the building. They have moved to behind the abandoned house next door. I am beginning to suspect that they will be ripping out all of them up to the property line of the houses on the next road over. That makes me sad. I've a fondness for trees and wooded places. They were places of great comfort to me when I was going through some troubles in my youth. I also find it to be harmful to the environment and that distresses me as well.

The side effect of the tree cutting going on is that I hear the noise of it every day and we have more of a breeze blowing off of the lake. I also have noted the absence of the birds. My feeders are half full and have been that way since they started work out back. I fear that this is setting the tone for the year. I'm going to miss those birds.

Progress, even if it kills me.

Today I did a massive amount of writing in my therapy journal. I think that I made a few breakthroughs. I also think that I wore down a quarter of an inch of pencil this morning doing so.

I am slowly managing to wrap my head around the idea that my great aunt Jackie is dead. Her funeral was yesterday. I spent a good portion of the day feeling guilty that I couldn't be there and that there really was nothing I could do to be of comfort to anyone. My Mom is really busted up over this, as aunt Jackie was her favorite aunt. My poor cousin Eddie is stuck out in Washington (I think he's in Portland but I'm not sure.) and he wasn't able to come to pay his final respects to his mother.

It is really difficult for me to come to grips with the idea that I am allowed a life separate from my birth family. I'm working on it with my therapist but today, I didn't realize how much it bothers me when my life conflicts with the idea of filial duty. I have a feeling that my next session with my therapist is going to be a rough one. But, if a rough therapy session gets me through this period where I feel like I'm a bad person or otherwise inadequate, then I suppose it is worth it.

My ribs are still bothering me but I'm at a point now that I'm not taking Tylenol with the Aleve. I've been careful not to do much bending and stretching. I have also made a point of not picking up something heavy and remembering to do my deep breathing at least once an hour. I'm pleased that the deep breaths are not making me cough like mad. I think this means that I'm finally over the bronchitis. Now I just need to get my ribs to heal up and I'll be ready to get going full throttle on this exercise thing.

Since we have a television now and I have an exercise DVD that is a 15 minute in home work out session, I figure I could start doing this every day after the kids go to school. Make a habit out of it and I will be getting a little exercise while the weather is poor and I can't go out and do my walking. I have been having some twinges of discomfort with my back over the last few days. I think that is because of the wonky weather patterns.

When ever the weather has a major shift, my back throbs where I had the epidurals done when I had my c-section to deliver the boys. Today, it has been really uncomfortable. But, according to the weather channel, it is supposed to be near 40 deg F Saturday, which is probably why my back is bothering me. I'm just glad that it wasn't 11 deg below 0 F this morning, unlike yesterday. The neighbor's kid had a screaming melt down because she had to wait for the bus out in the weather. My kids, however, were excitedly turning the pile of snow that was left by the plow into a slide.

Echo test: Echo.. echo.. echo...

It's been a rough week on the writing front. I have gotten a lot of work in on my newest project. I'm working on a companion book to Rose Petals. It will be a day book of sorts that takes one through the Filianic calendar year. I have my outline written up to the latter portion of Winter. I am torn between being pleased with how much I have gotten done over the last week on this and a powerful sense of concern.

One may ask, why am I concerned? I have been keeping a blog on religious stuff for about three years, with the focus on how I practice the blended path of Filianism/witchcraft/heathenry. I don't post as much as I would like to but I'm working on improving that. At the same time, I am struggling with the sense that I am writing for an empty room. It is really disheartening to work so hard on a post and have it met with resounding silence.

Honestly, even if I was encountering criticism, I think I'd be pleased because I had discovered someone who were inspired to respond to me in some fashion. In my reading about how blogs make money, it seems that I have hit a fairly common point. Where other bloggers have given up, I intend to keep going. It is my hope that my blog builds readership but at the moment I have a hard time believing it will.

I suppose it doesn't help matters much that I am feeling a bit worn out and depressed. My ribs have been bothering me terribly for the last few weeks. I think that my bout of mild bronchitis bruised my ribs. I've been taking Aleve and resting. This, however, has me struggling with the feeling that I am a useless lump. (I don't know about anyone else, but when I get sick or am otherwise unwell, I feel like I need to do ALL THE THINGS and do them RIGHT NOW! And the fact that I can't rankles me powerfully.)

A part of me gets angry and bitter with the fact that I am engaged in work that I have been taught is better suited as a hobby rather then a vocation. I find myself repeating to myself all of the hurtful things that I had spat at me when I was younger ranging from the idea that I am wasting resources with my writing (cue pangs of guilt for every scrap of paper I throw away) to the thought that what I write is too 'out there' for it to be marketable. I am working with my therapist to get out of that mental trap, but damn is it hard.

Some of that anger is directed at myself for two reasons. One is the idea that I am some how doing something morally wrong by pursuing my dreams of being a professional author. The other is the towering anger that I feel at the former concept. My therapist says that I am making progress in the fact that I get angry over the first concept. I'm honestly sick and tired of feeling like what I am doing is wrong somehow, that I am being selfish to chase this dream, and that my work is wasted effort. I try not to think about it but at the end of the day, it is the specter standing at the foot of my bed.

It is hard for me to post this. A part of me says I should delete this entry and consign this to the rubbish heap of failed effort. I am actively working to resist the urgings of that part of me because that is the same place that the directive to surrender my dreams comes from. It is the same place where the urge to just give up on life comes from and where all of my negative thinking finds safe harbor. Some day, I may stumble and give up that hope which pushes me forward. Some day, I may lie down and let life pass me by. Today, however, will not be that day.

Thus it stands that I feel that I am screaming into an empty room. If I only am answered by my echo, so be it. I will simply scream louder for the sake of catharsis and making that echo turn into a roar rather then a whisper.

Repost from Facebook

As I said elsewhere tonight:

today is a strange day for freedom of speech. in France, there was a terrorist incident that resulted in the deaths of several people and the injury of more. and then there is this yahoo Kirby Delauter, in saying his name i add myself to the list of mythical offenders to his 'good name', and the way he has been verbally slapped down for his nonsense. (look him up if you want to see that trainwreck, some of the responses are glorious.)

as an author and a person with a liberal education (if you jump to conclusions about my politics based on that statement, kindly exit stage left), i cherish freedom of speech and find it vital to the proper functioning of our republic here in the USA. it pains me to see people attempting to curtail it by violence or censorship. you may say something that disgusts and offends me, but i will defend your right to say it to my last breath. because *somebody* needs to keep their principles.

as The Good Reverend Roger said (or whatever moniker he's using today): or kill me.

Tarot reading jitters.

I'm logged in over at Keen. I'm on line to do readings via the chat client there. I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit right now for doing readings over the phone. Honestly, I am a bit nervous because it has been almost half a year since I was last logged in at Keen.

I am doing my best not to let my nerves scare me off from doing readings but it is a bit hard. I just had a quick chat session with someone and I don't think I did very well. Still, I'm going to keep this going until the kids get home from school. Then I am going to switch off from being logged in for readings via the chat client to being logged in by phone for a few hours in between doing some housework. My goal is to stay available for readings while the kids are at school.

The last several days have been somewhat rough around my house. We caught that awful flu that has been going around the neighborhood. It started Christmas with Cuddle Bear coming down with it. All the poor kid wanted to do was sleep once the afternoon hit. We figured he was just tired from spending the day running from my side of the family to Beloved's parent's house. The next day, he was just as exhausted and didn't have much interest in playing with his new toys.

Then the coughing started. Goodness did that little boy have an awful cough. By the time he was starting to feel better, I came down with it. New Year's Eve was spent sick in bed, again. Fortunately, Beloved managed only to get the sniffles from this horrendous bug and he was able to manage the kids over the last four days. I was not doing well and for a little while I was worried that it may have been turning into bronchitis.

Thankfully, I am doing much better and the kids are just about fully recovered. We've got a bit of a lingering cough, but it is nothing like what it was a few days ago. I would be doing readings by phone but I don't trust myself not to have a coughing fit while on the line. I slept most of this morning because I was still pretty exhausted but now I'm feeling pretty well.

I've been spending my afternoon trying to get things set up to make a little money with my writing and listening to music from my youth. As silly as it may sound, I've been enjoying listening to stuff like Genesis and Bananarama. I have also revisited my affection for Peter Gabriel. A lot of this music was big when I was in my early years but it has been pleasant to listen to anyways.

Saturday Check In Week # 1

In the hopes of posting more frequently and consistently on here, I'm going to make a point of posting something every Saturday. It's probably going to be a recap of how the week went and with how my life goes, I'll probably be hit or miss about it. Still, I'm going to give it a shot.

We've all been sick with this horrendous bug. I spent most of yesterday and today in bed when I wasn't coughing to the point where I honestly wondered if I needed my inhaler. The kids seem to be mostly recovered from it except for a lingering cough. Beloved has had the sniffles and a headache. He has been taking care of the rest of us for the last few days. Namely, minding the kids while I have been a zombie.

I have set up a new spreadsheet to track how we spend money right now. I'm not terribly pleased with how things went last year. I feel that we spent more money then we needed to and if we get a better handle on things like how much we spend on our groceries, then perhaps we can rebuild our savings a little bit. Not in our favor is the fact that we don't have health insurance for this month.

I started out feeling pretty good about the 'Obamacare' health insurance because we could actually afford my medication. Then some things went wonky over the course of the last month and we suddenly went from having no premium to having an $850 premium over night. Frantic phone calls and my narrowly avoiding an anxiety attack resulted in us having health insurance starting next month for $50 a month. We still have to find away to cover the cost of my medications for this month but I think the GoodRX site will help a great deal with that.

I have had some problems with feeling anxious when I was awake today. I think part of this is because my nerves are a bit shot after all of that frantic last minute wrangling and part of it is I'm worried that this awful cough is developing into bronchitis. I've told Beloved that if I haven't improved by this time next week, I will schedule an appointment with the doctor. It is my hope that I will be on the other side of this bug come next Saturday. Partly because I have a social engagement that I want to attend and mostly because I really don't want to have to go see the doctor.

I don't know what I'm going to be doing tomorrow. If I am feeling well enough, I will probably be working on taking down the tree. I have a feeling that the ornaments that Beloved's sister gave us may prove too many for my box. I hope that isn't the case but I'm eying them with some suspicion. Every year, she gives us some and my box is getting very full. I am running out of places to put them. I don't think she is going to be happy next year when I tell her not to give us any ornaments.

Happy New Year!

Congratulations, world, you made it through another year. Happy New Year!

It's been busy around my place for the last few weeks. I wound up making Christmas presents up until when I went to bed on Christmas eve. We went to the celebration with my side of the family first and then to the in-law's house. At first, it was not looking like we'd be able to go out visiting people because Snuggle Bug was sick last Monday. He recovered, however, and we went off visiting. Somewhere in the course of the day Christmas day, however, Cuddle Bear started not feeling well.

Since then, we've all had a nasty cough and the boys have been really tired. They have been playing with their new LeapPad Ultras from their paternal grandparents or watching videos on the new television. We don't have the television set up to get channels, only to play videos off the playstation. (It's an older model playstation too. A PS2, to be specific.) We're treating the screen time like we were approaching computer time.

The kids earn a half hour each after a good day's behavior during the week. On the week ends, they get a bit more screen time, because it's good to let one's hair down and relax on the weekend.

We gave them a new train set but it's a bit wonky. I had some difficulty with it as I was attempting to set up whilst in a mixed episode-hypomanic. I'm going to try again a bit later today. For some reason, the engine keeps skipping off of the track. I am going to fiddle with it to see if we can keep it on this time.

My big excitement right now is the Mother Marion kick wheel that Beloved's mother gave me. It is working out really well for me right now while I can't do stuff like the 'core spinning' techniques with it yet, I am impressed with how even the thread I'm spinning has become now. It was pretty good with a drop spindle, now it's really good. My test is to see if my production is faster with this thing now then it was with a drop spindle.

Oh, and I am happy to report that the fingerless gloves I made for Beloved actually did fit him properly. My worry was unnecessary.