Update

For a brief time, I suppose I could say that I truly did lose my mind. A few weeks ago, I got home from an approximately month long stay at the hospital for a nervous breakdown. I'm doing much better and my medications are helping a lot. It was, however, one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my life. I'm not exactly of a mind to talk about it here, but it is enough to say that the Psych ward was the exact opposite of what I expected and I obviously survived the experience.

One of the results of my stay at the hospital was an almost literal explosion of artwork. I'm finishing projects left and right even as I have been working on filling two books with sketches. I have decided to start selling my art work on Etsy and I will be posting links to it. I could argue that I have acquired a new totem as well - the butterfly. The butterfly, the phoenix, the cat, and the raven were all quite present for me as I was working thru my efforts at the hospital.

Images of the four popped up quite frequently and I found myself contemplating them very often. The butterfly and the phoenix are symbols of radical transformation. The cat is a symbol of independence, healing, and protection. The raven is a symbol of introspection, courage, and self-knowledge. The four, together, represent a great deal of who and what I am. Additional meanings, as I read about them, have been most illuminating.

I suspect as time goes on, I'm going to find more and more about these totems to be true about the situation I've been living in. Interestingly, the cat is a symbol of the Norse goddess Freja, who has been quite present in my dreams, as well as of Frigga. The raven represents Odin, who has been very present as well. I'm not entirely sure why I have been having so many dreams focused upon the Teutonic aspect of my heritage.

I think it may be because I'm in the midst of redefining how I approach my heritage. I am redefining my relationship with my side of the extended family and how I approach my memories. It has been difficult but it has also been necessary, thus I do so. I'm not sure what else to add. I'll probably think of more later.