Recent nightmares and thoughts.

So, there's the strange dreams that go with pregnancy. There is the strange dreams that go with the stress of dealing with idiot landlords, crazy family, and too many bills. Then there are the nightmares and strange dreams that go with being harassed by a person who had assaulted you.

Maybe it's just me but I think it'd be easier if N- was harassing me. N- wasn't quite smart enough to be the insidious bastard that C- is. Mind you C- isn't a smart man either. That said, I have been starting to have nightmares and I wasn't entirely sure why I wasn't sleeping well.

I wasn't sure, that is, until today. I woke up from a series of dreams where I was getting into a screaming argument with C- at LARP, with each dream tending closer to a physical altercation between him and I. C- may insist that his recent bullshit has been directed at my characters in the game where he and I both play in, but he's been making me uncomfortable for the past month with his attention becoming focused upon me.

I recognize part of the issue is the fact that I am pregnant with my second child and he is envious. I was briefly involved with C- about five years ago. He was my first foray into having a relationship with a man outside of my relationship with my husband. At that time, C- actively attempted to destroy my relationship with my husband and manipulated my PTSD related issues to cause me distress and get away with sexually assaulting me multiple times.

That came to an end fairly quickly when I very calmly told him to stop or I was going to break his neck when he was attempting to pin me down to have his way with me. I was dissociated but not entirely separate from myself to the extent that I was semi-catatonic. He left a few minutes later and never darkened my doorstep again. In the midst of that four month relationship, aside from the emotional and psychological havoc he created with his bullshit, he did rape me twice.

I'm not sure if C- impregnated me or if my husband did, because I didn't know I was pregnant until the miscarriage about a month after I told C- to get off of me or I'd kill him. Also, at the time that it would have happened, I was having a great deal of problems with dissociating and I can't recall fairly significant portions of time. It makes me suspect that I was raped more then twice, because only two times do I remember clearly. And the clarity of those recollections is rather startling.

Anyways, C- started with his mild efforts to antagonize me essentially right after I told friends of mine and my husband's at LARP as soon as we knew I was pregnant. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, C- was somewhat antagonizing but he didn't really show the effort that he is now. I think it is because he felt that he couldn't get away with it. Unfortunately, I've started having nightmares featuring C- again.

I'm thinking that I need to confront C- and tell him to leave me the fuck alone. I'm afraid, however, that confrontation will turn violent and C- will delibertately attempt to induce a miscarriage via hitting my abdomen. I don't know what to do, but I'm torn between a fear that he is going to try to hurt my baby and seething rage at his audacity to harass me. At least with N-, I wouldn't blink twice at the thought of tearing his throat out.

C-... Well, I don't think N- would try to batter me in a fashion to cause a miscarriage, because he wouldn't know that I'm pregnant. C-, on the other hand, knows and hates it. He desperately wants to have a child to carry on his family name. May the Gods deny him this desperate yearning and protect other women and girls from his attempt to answer it. I do, I admit, curse the day that I invited C- into my home and into my life in any type of relationship closer then a casual acquaintance.

Love is not a sin or a thing you can legislate.

I am sure that some of you who know me are going to expect a rant about how someone is throwing around the anti-homosexual marriage garbage again. Actually, this is about a situation involving the Salvation Army. I kinda respected those guys until I saw this:

Capt. Harsh led the Oshkosh Salvation Army for more than three years before he was suspended for not following orders. He is a widower. His wife, who was also a Salvation Army officer, died suddenly last summer.

"I asked God to bring me a woman who was pretty on the outside and the inside. That's what God did," said Captain Johnny Harsh, suspended officer.

Capt. Harsh now plans to marry Cia, who is not an officer.

I have a real problem with this situation. It's highly unreasonable, in my opinion, to take this stance. The Salvation Army apparently has this policy that officers can only marry other officers. I wasn't aware of this until today. I am finding myself inclined to boycott the Salvation Army because of the misery they're sowing with this stance.

I know, I know... I'm a heathen and I really shouldn't be concerned with how people of other religions operate their religion. This, however, is not a matter strictly of religious philosophy. In my opinion, this is a human rights matter. Just like the question of gay marriage is a human rights issue.

We have the right to love whom we will, it's simply a part of who and what we are. This can't be legislated or dictated from on high. It's something that moves our hearts and is a blessing. I truly and honestly believe that it is morally wrong to condemn someone for who they love. That said, I think there is a distinction between love and sex.

I'll put limits on sex, but those limits are not going to stop someone from feeling love. If an adult loves a child in a romantic fashion, if they *truly* love that child, then the adult will be willing to wait until the child is of legal majority to consummate the relationship physically. People have done this and I don't object to it. But the rest of this crap, is wrong.

I'm *so* stumped!

I have decided to completely re-do my web-page on Keen and the one that I've got set up on Tripod. I figure part of my problem getting business is because those pages are too ... well... They're just not any good.

I'm just at a loss for how to correct them. As such, I'm off to do some research and scope out web pages for other psychics and figure out why pages suck. :P

~*Update*~

Well, I've surfed a bit on the interwebz and found this image that I love and want to use as a background. It's free and it's goregous!

Well...

I found out what I've suspected for a few weeks now. I'm pregnant. I'm pretty sure that my Mom's going to go bat shit rather then be happy for my family here. I mean, the boy is getting a sibling, a person to play with and he won't have to go out of the house to play with them. The boy's going to be delighted once he realizes this is a good thing.

It'll make money interesting. Right now it rather sucks, but it was going to suck anyways because life is just a pain in the ass like that right now. Not having alot of money and having things like your student loans come due is a huge pain in the ass. Mom, however... I have this terrible feeling that the first words out are going to be a diatribe about how we can't afford the baby followed by a demand that the pregnancy be terminated.

Yeah, I had a few nightmares last night... can you tell?