ack...

I've been trying to get back into the swing of that tarot reading by phone thing I was doing shortly before my son was born. I admit, I do feel anxious that things are not going to pick back up. I've been trying to redirect my nervous energy into doing things that are productive towards this venture. I feel, however, that my efforts are not going to be enough.

I hate the holiday season because this time of year the feeling of not having enough money is somewhat impossible to avoid. It's a terrible feeling and it is one that I'm all too familiar with. I can't help but feel angry when I find it implied that my efforts are not going to be good enough because I didn't buy the gifts I'm giving from the store. It is something that I can't avoid because it's shouted at me from every media outlet on the face of the earth this time of year.

Heck, I can't even get away from it on the computer. I get pop-up ads spamming me with offers to buy the latest gizmo or gadget for the people in my family. I find that I feel guilty at times because I can't afford to go buy something. I have this terrible suspicion that my husband's cousin is going to turn up her nose at the purse and cell phone cozy that I made for her. I have a fear that everyone who gets these hand made gifts this year is going to be disappointed because their hearts were set on something else.

Wretched doesn't begin to describe how it feels. And in the midst of flailing about with my worries over things like if people are going to like what I give them, I find I get into a panic over the bills and if I can cut any more corners in the budget to possibly make it easier to pay off the various expenses we accumulated over the last year. It really does feel like no matter how hard we try, we just sink farther into the financial quicksand each year.

And think, this is me on anti-depressants right now!

I hate this time of year on a semi-regular basis for so many more reasons then having to listen to Bing Crosby so many times my eyes bleed. I've got to admit, if I am forced to listen to christmas/holiday music for a full 24 hours, I may possibly go into a homicidal rampage. Why, you ask? Because that stuff is enough to create brain aneurysms and are a form of torture more inhumane then being forced to suffer thru Barney for a full 24 hours. (And let me tell you, that right there is a sadistic hell that I do not wish upon my worst enemies!) Christmas/holiday music tell us to cheer up and that we're going to get everything we want. It tells us that everyone is all wrapped up in this confectionery state of bliss and similar rot.

It's surfeit to cover up the disgusting truths of the world.

Ok, I'm going to stop before this rant gets more depressing or more cranky, which ever would happen first.

I also reiterate my ban on perkiness!