Recently I've been having problems sleeping. I guess I don't want to sleep as often as i get tired and need to. The trip to NJ was wonderful. It was great to see some of the girls from college. I'm thrilled for the happy couple, it was a beautiful wedding. I just can't keep that happiness with me.
I spend my time having nightmares, some times even when I'm awake.
I worry about having this monster corner me and start something. Some of you may know who that is. If you don't I can't exactly give much for details. I apologize, and it's a story that's rather tangental to what I post here at the moment. I know it doesn't sound that way.
You see, the problem I have is that my PTSD is acting up in strange ways. I still have the dissociative thing going on. It's creepy, as per usual. But the biggest source of angst is the phantom feelings that creep over me. Feelings like his hands wandering over me, touching places that I desperately didn't want to have been touched. The feeling of his body ontop of me, pressing me down to the floor/bed, and trying not to breathe or move too much so I don't seem to be awake. In that desperate hope that I am not going to be subjected to worse.
I find myself afraid that the rather ... quiet time between my husband and I in the bedroom over the past week is because of this stuff that happened a little over a two years ago. My skin still crawls at the idea.
I've been having problems staying in my head again. But I've been keeping it under enough control that I am not harming myself or placing others in danger. A necessary thing when you work in a daycare and you have a small army under your watch and care. Here's the odd thing, I've caught myself making arrangements to defend myself and covertly arm myself. I didn't realize it at first when I was selecting jewlery that could double as a minor weapon.
It was when I bought the length of chain that I realized that I wasn't entirely right. It's the same feeling as when I caught myself sitting outside of my head, calmly waiting for him to threaten me just too much. So I could break his neck.
He ran away that day. Now the schmuck is trying to make his presence known again. I'm starting to get that distant feeling again.
I hope he doesn't try to start something. This is going to end badly if it does happen. It's getting harder to control myself when I get in that place. It's not that cold, silent place. I'm familiar with that place, it's scary but ... well, normal to me.
This other one... it's scary for a few different reasons. First, the body memory that's there isn't of the pain and ugly stuff. It's of how to fight. And it's not cold there. It's ... it's a place of white and noise that's a dull roar. Maeby I'm just hearing my heart beat. But it's a scary place because I realized that I didn't even feel cold, afraid, or anything else like that. Just ... a need to act. To elminate the threat.
God help me if I have to go there. It may break something inside me. I don't know if I could live with that.
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