Fear, no. Rage, yes.

 Hey y'all. I've been pretty quiet. I give my standard apology for that. (And feel kinda bad that I've got a standard apology for it, but hey, it is what it is.) Part of my problem has been a lot of stuff going on in my life and my anxiety being through the roof. More of my problem is fear that I am going to have my blogs shut down because I am not  peddling the christ-facist crap that is flying through the airwaves right now. Once I realized my problem was fear, I got spitting mad. So angry that I was ready to throw things and then I instantly calmed down realizing that there was something I could do about that.

I can write and actively resist the bullshit going on through my blogs. I can point out the facist bullshit for what it is. I am no longer a kid stuck in a household where my parents espouse crap that sounds like this while calling themselves atheists and good americans. The memories of that part of my life have been roaring back but I am doing my best to function and using my anger to push forward.

I am the same person who was ready to punch out my little brother for espousing Nazi ideology in high school. I just have a better way of expressing myself than my right fist. Though the urge to punch people is rising.

I am displeased.

 I have been diagnosed with the beginnings of glaucoma. It doesn't help that my optic nerve is already thin. Like significantly so because I was on oxygen as an infant. Being born preemie didn't do me any favors. So, I now have eye drops to lower my eye pressure. Put the effects of the eye drops together with the effects of the antibiotic I'm on for a uti and I am dizzy and unable to operate heavy machinery. Fortunately, I take the eye drops at night. I am exceedingly frustrated. I figured it was just a matter of time but I thought I had more time than this.

Hormones are making me miserable. They're messing with my sleep and my appetite. Now, you'd figure with the cocktail of medications that I am on to help me sleep and the CPAP making sure that I'm breathing properly through the night, I'd be sleeping like a rock. The problem is the night sweats. And the hot flashes during the day. I have heard rumors that this symptom of perimenopause can last months or it can last years. All I know is that it's really irritating waking up in a pool of your own sweat.

The other thing my hormones are messing with is my mental state. I am irritable, to put it lightly. I am more forgetful than usual (which is seriously not a good thing). And my mood goes from ok to moderately depressed like some hyperactive toddler who has discovered light switches. I don't have rapid cycling bipolar, but my hormones didn't get the memo. I am this tired, irritable, fog of misery trying really hard to resemble a sane human because my teenagers are going through puberty and deserve a sane mother.

Did I mention that my anxiety is up? I'm twitching because of it. And I'm anxious over everything. I can't take my anxiety pill as often as I probably should because I fall asleep when I take it. So, my anxiety being high makes my irritability hair trigger. My focus is garbage because my anxiety clouds my mind. I try to meditate. It turns into a running monologue of what I'm worrying about. And I can't focus on my crafts to quiet my mind because of that running monologue.

Second puberty < Second breakfast

I got irritated with my thin hair and bald spot. The gal at the salon who does my hair was a little surprised when I said hack it all off. I explained that my hair was irritating me and looked like a picket fence with gaps in it because of how it was thinning, she tried not to giggle at my description. 

She wasn't comfortable shaving it all the way down at first. She took it down super low. It just made the thinning spots even more obvious. So I had her cut all of it off.

I'll be saving money on shampoo now.

I am looking forward to school. Truly.

 If only there was a sarcasm font. Just two more years to go and then Snuggle Bug will be done with school and I'll be done with the headaches of paperwork that accompany it. The only good thing about the prospect of school is the idea that I will have more motivation to be up in the mornings and get back to my routines. Last year I fell out of a number of good habits and adjusting to Cuddle Bear being out of school has made it hard to get back to those habits. The structure of the school schedule will help me out some on that front.

Snuggle Bug is looking forward to next school year. He will be in a BOCES class where he does stuff like computer programming (which he is really interested in). I'm hoping desperately that BOCES will agree with him better than it did with his brother. I truly believe that if he can make this class work for him, he will have a solid foundation to work from to build his future. Heck, who knows, he might go on to work with his father if he is so inclined. Snuggle Bug's interest in robotics and programming has only gotten stronger over the past year. If BOCES can give him the skill set to be a good entry level worker in that field, I know he'd enjoy it. If anything, because the supplies he gets to work with are better quality than the kits he's been getting and criticizing as he puts them together and such.

Cuddle Bear's plans to start a business this summer fell through. His plans to learn to drive have also fallen through. But he's starting to feel internal pressure to go find work and get his own transportation. Since the bus drivers gave him a mountain bike last June as a graduation present, he's been biking around town. Fortunately, he's only gotten lost on his bike rides once. He now has a phone, which puts my heart at ease because now he doesn't have to depend on the kindness of strangers to get help if he's in trouble. 

His birthday was last Friday, so he is now officially an adult. No change in behavior or attitude since the day passed. He was a little disappointed that his present wasn't here by then but the mail takes time. I didn't expect him to magically meet milestones right on that day, but I had to admit it was a little annoying that I had to drag him out of bed to get up for the day at noon. I know he has the ability to get himself up and moving, but he's unemployed and has no motivation to do so right now. As such, he's basically been in vacation mode since graduating. I'm doing my best not to let my anxiety get me worrying over his future on the basis of the past few months. It's been a struggle. Stupid anxiety is stupid.

Contrary to the desires of some people, I am still alive and annoying.

First, I can't believe I haven't written here since March. I feel kinda guilty about that. I am irritated that I missed Camp NaNoWriMo. It's the middle of the Tour de Fleece and I haven't worked on a single spinning project. It is also the middle of July for Loki and I haven't produced any poetry, art, or writings for him. It's been really hard to get myself moving on anything, to be honest.

I'm not depressed, though I am disappointed. If anything, I am cranky and mildly ill tempered because my back hurts since I slept on it funny last night and frustrated that I can't have food I'm craving because of my diabetes and medications. I suppose I should summarize what the last several months have been like.

In a word, exhausting. April was just a challenge to get things done because I was trying so hard to help the kids with school stuff. May saw my doctor's check in for the diabetes resulting in mixed news. My A1C is down to 6.2 from 6.5 but my heart rate jumped up to 130. I am now on a beta-blocker and feeling exhausted, spaced out, and struggling to focus on anything for an extended period of time. Some time in May, I got my denial of disability from Social Security. I am now working with LawNY to challenge that denial. 

That came with a pile of paperwork that ratcheted up my anxiety. As did the piles of paperwork that I am still slogging through for the kids to get Medicaid so they can work with OPWDD. Fortunately, everyone involved in this process has been very patient and helpful.

June brought Cuddle Bear's graduation and a heap of anxiety over that just for fun. It also brought news that my heart rate is back in a much more tolerable range. The kids had physicals and for the most part they're doing well. Snuggle Bug has lost weight again, so now we're adding protein powder to his milk at dinner time. We'll see how it goes.

July, thus far, has been my struggling to get paperwork done for the kids. Snuggle Bug is doing extended school year and will be retaking exams in August. The classes that he bombed, he was being bullied in. I am pretty sure that contributed to him failing them. I've been prodding Cuddle Bear to act on his desire to get his learner's permit and his desire to get his working papers. No progress yet on that front. I suspect that August will roll around and the working papers will no longer be necessary.

Here's a picture of Cuddle Bear from his graduation. (Yes, all that curl is real. My hair used to be that curly when I was a small child.)

Monday Menu

 The cost of everything seems to be high. I'm not pleased but I can't do much about it in the short term. My shelves that serve as a mini-pantry are getting empty. That means it is time to restock. I am a bit frayed and not entirely thinking clearly in the face of the government's bullshit. It's making it hard to think when you're realizing that your country is quite possibly on the brink of war with two separate nations (at least) that were formerly allies.

Here's the menu. I don't have the heart for posting more in the face of the oncoming train wreck.

Day	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Sun	yogurt with granola coffee	pb&j tea	breakfast for dinner coffee
Mon	yogurt coffee granola	quesadillas flavored water	hamburgers quick salad water
Tues	yogurt coffee granola	leftovers flavored water	tacos water
Wed	yogurt coffee granola	taco salad water	spaghetti & meatballs water
Thurs	yogurt granola coffee	leftovers water	split pea soup & sandwiches water
Fri	yogurt coffee granola	leftovers tea	chicken patty sand. water
Sat	yogurt granola coffee	ham sand. water	take out water