I am displeased.

 I have been diagnosed with the beginnings of glaucoma. It doesn't help that my optic nerve is already thin. Like significantly so because I was on oxygen as an infant. Being born preemie didn't do me any favors. So, I now have eye drops to lower my eye pressure. Put the effects of the eye drops together with the effects of the antibiotic I'm on for a uti and I am dizzy and unable to operate heavy machinery. Fortunately, I take the eye drops at night. I am exceedingly frustrated. I figured it was just a matter of time but I thought I had more time than this.

Hormones are making me miserable. They're messing with my sleep and my appetite. Now, you'd figure with the cocktail of medications that I am on to help me sleep and the CPAP making sure that I'm breathing properly through the night, I'd be sleeping like a rock. The problem is the night sweats. And the hot flashes during the day. I have heard rumors that this symptom of perimenopause can last months or it can last years. All I know is that it's really irritating waking up in a pool of your own sweat.

The other thing my hormones are messing with is my mental state. I am irritable, to put it lightly. I am more forgetful than usual (which is seriously not a good thing). And my mood goes from ok to moderately depressed like some hyperactive toddler who has discovered light switches. I don't have rapid cycling bipolar, but my hormones didn't get the memo. I am this tired, irritable, fog of misery trying really hard to resemble a sane human because my teenagers are going through puberty and deserve a sane mother.

Did I mention that my anxiety is up? I'm twitching because of it. And I'm anxious over everything. I can't take my anxiety pill as often as I probably should because I fall asleep when I take it. So, my anxiety being high makes my irritability hair trigger. My focus is garbage because my anxiety clouds my mind. I try to meditate. It turns into a running monologue of what I'm worrying about. And I can't focus on my crafts to quiet my mind because of that running monologue.

Second puberty < Second breakfast

I got irritated with my thin hair and bald spot. The gal at the salon who does my hair was a little surprised when I said hack it all off. I explained that my hair was irritating me and looked like a picket fence with gaps in it because of how it was thinning, she tried not to giggle at my description. 

She wasn't comfortable shaving it all the way down at first. She took it down super low. It just made the thinning spots even more obvious. So I had her cut all of it off.

I'll be saving money on shampoo now.

I am looking forward to school. Truly.

 If only there was a sarcasm font. Just two more years to go and then Snuggle Bug will be done with school and I'll be done with the headaches of paperwork that accompany it. The only good thing about the prospect of school is the idea that I will have more motivation to be up in the mornings and get back to my routines. Last year I fell out of a number of good habits and adjusting to Cuddle Bear being out of school has made it hard to get back to those habits. The structure of the school schedule will help me out some on that front.

Snuggle Bug is looking forward to next school year. He will be in a BOCES class where he does stuff like computer programming (which he is really interested in). I'm hoping desperately that BOCES will agree with him better than it did with his brother. I truly believe that if he can make this class work for him, he will have a solid foundation to work from to build his future. Heck, who knows, he might go on to work with his father if he is so inclined. Snuggle Bug's interest in robotics and programming has only gotten stronger over the past year. If BOCES can give him the skill set to be a good entry level worker in that field, I know he'd enjoy it. If anything, because the supplies he gets to work with are better quality than the kits he's been getting and criticizing as he puts them together and such.

Cuddle Bear's plans to start a business this summer fell through. His plans to learn to drive have also fallen through. But he's starting to feel internal pressure to go find work and get his own transportation. Since the bus drivers gave him a mountain bike last June as a graduation present, he's been biking around town. Fortunately, he's only gotten lost on his bike rides once. He now has a phone, which puts my heart at ease because now he doesn't have to depend on the kindness of strangers to get help if he's in trouble. 

His birthday was last Friday, so he is now officially an adult. No change in behavior or attitude since the day passed. He was a little disappointed that his present wasn't here by then but the mail takes time. I didn't expect him to magically meet milestones right on that day, but I had to admit it was a little annoying that I had to drag him out of bed to get up for the day at noon. I know he has the ability to get himself up and moving, but he's unemployed and has no motivation to do so right now. As such, he's basically been in vacation mode since graduating. I'm doing my best not to let my anxiety get me worrying over his future on the basis of the past few months. It's been a struggle. Stupid anxiety is stupid.