Nightmares suck, night terrors suck even more.

Sleep last night was not my friend. Two reasons: I am still getting used to the damn CPAP machine and trying to fit the mask properly, and I had some vivid nightmares. I think the nightmares means that my traumatized brain is attempting to process what happened to me when I was younger, but I'm not sure. Last night, it was more like memories coming up with a combination of staircase wit. I woke up on the verge of crying, furious, and with the words in my mouth to scream at my mother over her accusation that I seduced my father to get him to sign on my student loans. I literally lost count the number of times that she had accused me of being sexually involved with my father, going all the way back to when I was in my single digits. I was horrified, disgusted, and embarrassed by it. It wasn't my father that molested me, it was my paternal grandfather and a few years later, my younger brothers.

But if I said any of that, all hell would have broken loose. Arguments between my mother and I consisted of her screaming insane accusations at me, as I stood with my head hung down, waiting for a beating to commence, and mumbling that I didn't do anything she had accused me of. It was awful, degrading, and left me scarred in ways that I am still trying to figure out how to process (the Aspects/personalities/insiders).

It wasn't safe in my parent's house to express myself. As such, when each little bit of me split off, it went down inside where it'd be safe. Now that I am safe, it's confusing when they bubble up. My psychiatrist assures me that trauma is a spectrum and that my having these experiences does not mean that I have an additional diagnosis only that I was deeply traumatized.

At least I am not having night terrors right now. The weighted blanket helps prevent that. I worry about having them again. Once the CPAP machine entered the picture, sleep sort of improved despite how uncomfortable and awkward the mask is. But the mask reminds me of when someone in my parent's household tried to smother me. It's not good. It makes me concerned that I'll be having them again because these memories are coming on so strong.

I can not brain, I haz teh dumb.

 Hi there!

I haven't written in quite a while. It's frustrating. I open up the laptop and stare at the screen as my mind goes blank. In my continuing battle with the cpap machine, I talked to the 'sleep coach'/specialist at where I bought it. I found out that it is running properly and a 20 l/min leak is well within accepted tolerances. I was praised for my compliance with the sleep therapy requirements of the insurance company. I was shown how it has reduced my sleep apnea to functionally non-existent. I guess I was relieved by the news. I was concerned that I wasn't using the equipment correctly and that was why it had the leak or why some nights I'd wake up with a hurricane blowing into my face.

Then I had a follow up appointment with the sleep doctor's RN. I was told all the good things the insurance company wanted was actually in line with the goals for the cpap in my therapy. She adjusted some comfort settings and now I don't wake up with a hurricane blowing into my face if the mask gets dislodged in the night. So there's that.

Cuddle Bear's IEP meeting for his senior year is coming up. I am just exasperated. They were supposed to mail us a copy of the draft but it never reached us. I now have to jump through hoops to get it emailed to me, though they really don't want to do that because email is insecure. So is the mailbox at our residence, but they insist of late on sending material there instead of to our post office box. And they don't even have the address correct. I still have to update friends we know that we're using a p.o. box but I entered that information into the school's data base right after we got the thing and it's now a crap shoot if we get mail from them there or at this lame mailbox that people keep stealing mail out of and the carrier dumps mail that isn't ours in. 

I am frustrated and I feel dumb. Maybe it's because I haven't had my morning coffee yet.

We survived but presents are not done. Gods help me.

The holidays were stressful as per usual. No one was seriously sick in our household but the in-laws were. It made for awkward times with the kids. They wanted toys and they got books. For a moment we thought they were going to explode but they immediately sat down and began reading. I kinda feel like we dodged a bullet there. It's going to be a gradual process to transition them from eagerly looking for the latest toys and more mature items. But, they are getting older and this is part of growing up. They'll still get little stim-toys and candy via the 12 Yule boxes. But things like clothes, educational material about their special interests and what not is what's coming down the line for the next few years.

I have blocked Cuddle bear's sweater. I'm afraid to take the pins out and watch it shrink. I really have no idea what I'm doing with this sweater. I have two seams to sew and ends to weave in, then it is finished. Snuggle Bug's bear is ... in parts with my still crocheting more parts. I am wondering if this was a poor executive decision. It has been stressful to say the least.

Now that we're into the beginning of the secular year, the teachers at school have been pressuring Snuggle Bug to make New Year's Resolutions. We don't do that here. In fact, we discourage it. Our feeling is if you want to improve yourself, you can do it at anytime. The social pressure of doing it now is high and the lad is not happy. He's struggling. We've done our best to give him guidance on resolutions he can make that are not school oriented but appropriate. 

We'll see how that goes.