Mental health update.

 I'm now approximately a full month into the med change that Dr. M. made. When we spoke last week, he talked about keeping me on this dosage of Vraylar because of the dramatic improvement is has made in my symptoms. My anxiety is within tolerable limits, even with life throwing dumb stuff my way. My sleep is finally such that I am getting a full night of sleep. He's going to keep me on the medication that he switched me to for that (I'd spell the name but it is even more like a random handful of scrabble tiles than the Vraylar).

My mood has gone from moderately depressed all the time to actually feeling ok. That is a big improvement over the severely depressed that got this med change rolling. I was scared that the medication was going to make me a zombie and mess with my short/long term memory. It hasn't. This is a very good thing because while I was in that severely depressed/too anxious to function state, I didn't keep track of things like my blood sugar and other health details that I need to so that I can stay on top of my conditions. (Fortunately, my glucometer has a function that it saves the information. I'm still filling it into my planner just in case this thing goes wonky like the last one.)

My memory from the severely depressed/too anxious to function state is shot. It's pretty much all brain fog from about mid March up to when this med change started taking effect. Beloved tells me that the brain fog is my mind protecting me from the pain that I was in during that period. It makes sense but is aggravating at the same time. Fortunately, I do have one thing that I can use to help reconstruct what was going on during that time, my morning journal. I wasn't writing anywhere else, but I had my daily entries. Most of them were about how tired I was, how guilty I felt for not getting stuff done, and my terror over things like the idea that someone was going to come and destroy my family. The entries after I had my medications adjusted were about more typical daily stuff, the change was just about immediate.

So, that's where things stand right now. I got really bad for a while. I got help. Now I am not only functional but I feel alive and like I can tolerate what the world throws at me.

The computer has died, long live the computer.

 Three days after my last post, my old laptop computer took a dirt nap. It still turns on but runs so slow and is so glitchy that it might as well be a paperweight. I had the foresight to back up everything important to a thumb-drive. I am, however, still trying to wrap my head around this new model of laptop. I rather hate the touchpad. It is super sensitive and will just start to respond if my hand is even near it while typing. 

It is a Windows10 machine. I noped out of a bunch of features that were supposed to help me be productive through anonymous data sharing. I wasn't pleased that it randomly installed a new browser when it updated. It is, however, Windows and I've been using Windows machines since Windows3.1.1 so I'm familiar with their brand of fuckery. I'm still learning the ins and outs of Windows 10. The old machine was a Windows 8 that they tried to force update to a 10 when 10 initially came out. I noped out of that pretty hard. I heard lots of fishy things about 10 and people's data being used surreptitiously. 

Now, however, I don't have much of a choice. Either I use 10 and hope that nobody steals my data when I'm not looking or I have to learn how to use a whole new operating system. As somebody who has anxiety about technology, the prospect of learning how to use a whole new operating system kinda freaks me out. Hell, when I got my first smart phone, I was worried that if I hit the wrong button I'd blow something up. (I'm still figuring out how to use the damn smart phone and I'm now on the second version of what I had. Just about everything's the same but I still have no clue what the fuck I'm doing.)

I don't know what we're going to do with the old computer. Beloved is pretty sure there's no way to save it. When he says that it's toast, I believe him. He works with these kinds of things for a living and can spot critical system failures long before I do. Ironically, the same time that the old laptop died, the bluetooth mouse that I was using because the old laptop's touchpad wasn't working (there was an update and then the touchpad became nonfunctional) died. I was going to plug in the wired mouse that I have except there's one small problem. All of the USB ports are on the left side of the computer. I am not left handed nor am I ambidextrous. This problem, however, is really an annoyance in the grand scheme of things.

As I was in the process of logging back into websites and such, I scared the hell out of myself. One of the sites that I have been publishing books through, when I logged in, seemed to have all of my books missing. I freaked out, cried a little bit, and then, after Beloved calmed me down, got into contact with tech support. That was when it became clear that I had been using a different id to use the site for publishing than the one I used for purchasing via that site in the past. The kindly tech support person helped me get back into the correct account and all my books were still there. I'd have sent them a reply email saying thank you for your help but I know that it would be taking time away from someone else's open help ticket.

So, that's what's been going on over here for the last few days. Mental health update will be in the next post. That's been a trip.

Med change: Day 4

 I think we're going to switch when I take this pill to the evening. I wake up groggy and somewhat functional. Then the pills kick in and it's nap time along with a heap of brain fog. My anxiety has been quelled to a significant degree. My mood is meh but that's an improvement over where it was. I think once this stuff hits full effect in about a week and a half, I'll be doing better than I am right now.

My guts have been in utter rebellion for the last week. I don't know if this is because of the side effects of the medication, stress, or the vaccine. It has been really uncomfortable. On top of this, it happens to be that magical time of the month where my uterus decides to try to perform origami on itself. I haven't had the side effect of feeling like I need to eat everything in the house, like I did the last time the dosage went up. My blood sugar is still within reasonable levels. On the nights that I actually get a full night of sleep, it actually looks pretty good.

Sleep and I are not having a good time. It is hard to fall asleep and when I do get to sleep, it is still a bit of a mixed bag as to how well I sleep. From what I can recall, I'm not having horrific nightmares. At the same time, I am not waking up rested most mornings. Given that I am getting  5+ hours of sleep a night, I don't know what's going on. Again, switching this med to bed time again may solve this problem as well. I've increased the amount of melatonin that I am taking at bed time and it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference. My doctor said that I can go as high as 40 mg with out there being negative issues. So, I might try that tonight to see if I actually wake up feeling rested. Who knows, maybe this will work.

Med change: Day 2

 Now the doctor changed two thing here. First was what time I take one of my medications and the second was the dosage of said medication. I'm sitting here feeling completely spaced out and exhausted. This is some of the side effects of the medication. I am having difficulty concentrating because of how spaced out I am feeling. 

Mood wise, I think things are improving. I noticed that my passive self-harm ideation that has been with me for forever is gone. I keep waiting to consciously tell myself that I can't do XYZ because it's not good for me, but it's not happening. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm sure I'll get used to it. The negative self talk has gone down significantly.

Sleep is a mixed bag. The new medication to help me fall asleep is not working quite as expected. But the higher dosage of melatonin is helpful. Things are still getting tweaked and sorted out. At least the horrific nightmares have stopped. They ranged from being buried in live insects (I am utterly repulsed by the sensation of insects walking on my skin.) to dreaming of rodents chewing my fingertips off. I woke up a few times last night, but, as I said, we're still getting this sorted out. My dreams last night were boringly mundane like of washing an endless pile of dishes or sorting a billion kid socks.

Progress is happening. I had thought that I'd bounce back from this med change in a few days. I forgot it takes about a week to see how it's going to go. So, I get to be spaced out and loopy for a week. This is going to be interesting.

Insomnia can die in a fire.

 Yep, 0500 and I am awake. This keeps happening throughout the night for the last few weeks. Posted from my phone so I don't wake up everyone. I hate this. I woke up three times before now. And now, I just give up. Because fuck my brain issues.