Feeling are not facts.

I feel terrible. I am not a terrible person. I feel depressed. My life is actually going more or less ok. I feel worthless. I am an invaluable part of my household. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, that I have not earned the privilege. Everyone deserves to be loved. It is not a privilege, it is a basic necessity for life.

This list goes on and on.

I'm fighting myself pretty hard today. It is exhausting. I find myself swinging somewhere between utter apathetic despair that I am going to be like this for the rest of my days and absolute grief for the horrors happening in the world, for the things I've lost in my life due to Bipolar, and for all the potential that could have happened between me and people who are just not healthy for me to be around.

And I hurt, very, very deeply.

A part of me wants to give up on everything writing related because nothing will ever be good enough. Another part of me says that if I give up, I will lose another vital part of myself and this is committing slow suicide.

Good thing I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, though I am dreading this appointment. And my PTSD has been in high gear for various reasons. I'm exhausted but sleep doesn't help with this form of exhaustion. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. If nothing, I am stubborn.

Menu week of 10/22/17

I'm working on pre-cooking some things for the week. I found a recipe for how to make a big batch of scrambled eggs in the oven. I'm going to be starting on that in a few minutes. I will be cooking up a small beef roast tomorrow in the crock-pot to be used in making pulled beef for enchiladas tomorrow evening. I'm also going to store some of that pulled beef in the freezer for another dinner on another night. The guys all seemed to enjoy bbq pulled beef last week. (I was going to make the pork roast and discovered it had gone bad in the time I thawed it to when I was going to cook it, a few days later. Thus, I pulled out the beef roast and cooked it.)

The teriyaki meatballs are going to be made with Grandma K.'s recipe. The stuff using ready made meatballs and teriyaki marinade is ok. But Grandma's version is better. So, I'm going to make a big pan of meatballs and save some for later. I also have a partial bag of meatballs from the store that I'm going to use on Saturday in the spaghetti. At some point during the week, I will be making spaghetti sauce. Ever since I got the 1.5L crock-pot, I've been making things like soup stock and sauces. The salsa came out a little too salty, but I think I can fix that by cutting the half batch I have in the freezer with a can of crushed tomatoes. I have been using the McCormick spaghetti sauce spices with crushed tomatoes to make spaghetti sauce. It came out really well and made dinner last Saturday a lot easier.

I'm beginning to think that pre-cooking things for the week may be a habit that I want to cultivate. I still have to finish cooking down my chicken stock. But, as I work at it, my plan is to turn that into the base for a pot of perpetual soup over the next several months. Stealing an idea from generations before me and what not. End results of the change I have made thus far in how I handle how much I am cooking has helped me cut down on food waste and how much we spend at the grocery store.

Date	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Sun	Eggs & kale / donuts	Sandwiches	Naan Pizzas
Mon	Pop-tarts & donuts	Kids - School Beloved- Spaghetti Me - spring rolls	Hamburgers, carrot salad
Tues	Cereal	Kids - School Beloved - Turkey sandwich & chips Me - Salad	Beef enchiladas with beans & rice (tossed salad?)
Wed	Eggs / Pancakes	Kids - School Beloved - burrito bowl & hard boiled egg Me: taco salad	Sweet & sour pork roast with quinoa and garlic green beans
Thurs	Cereal / pop-tarts	Kids - School Beloved - cuban sandwich & chips me - bbq pulled pork with mac & cheese (non-dairy)	Teriyaki meatballs pad thai & Thai chicken coconut soup (peanut noodles for kids)
Fri	Eggs / pancakes	Kids - School Beloved - leftovers Me - leftovers	Sloppy joes with biscuits & tossed salad
Sat	Eggs & hash	Leftovers / salads	Spaghetti & meatballs

Menu week of 10/15/17

Hi there,

It's been kinda busy over here. I'm trying to stay on top of stuff. It's a bit hard, because it seems like everything is happening all at once. That said, here is the menu for this week. I changed things up on Sunday and yesterday. Sunday was roast chicken. Because I really wanted to have roast chicken. And yesterday I was out of spoons early on. So I had Beloved pick us up some takeout while the kids had their favorite sandwiches and some chips.

Lunch has become less complicated with how the school lunch thing is getting back into the swing of it all. (There was a hiccup because I filled out the form incorrectly and added an extra zero. This has been resolved and the boys are back on the free lunch program.)  I'm not going to post yesterday and Sunday's menus. Because we're done with that. But here is the remainder of the week:

Day	Breakfast	Lunch	Dinner
Mon	---	---	---
Tues	Cereal	leftovers / chili w/ biscuit / school lunch	tacos, salad, & mexican rice
Wed	Pop-tarts	Leftovers/ salad	sweet & sour pork roast w/ rice & salad
Thurs	Eggs	Turkey sandwich w/ chips / chicken salad wrap & veggies	pulled pork mashed potatoes broccoli
Fri	Cereal	Turkey sandwich w/ chips / leftovers	chicken korma w/ rice & veggies
Sat	Eggs & bacon	Leftovers/ Sandwiches	spaghetti & meatballs
Sun	Eggs & hash	Leftovers	Pizza