my head sux

Short version, I've been struggling with Bi Polar II for a little over a year. (I was diagnosed this time last year. I've been dealing with it undiagnosed for a long time.) I've been sliding into a depressive episode and it disturbs me. I naively thought that the medication would make it where I would at worst get a little weepy or a bit cranky. Instead, those horrible self-demeaning thoughts are whirling around in my head, getting through the day is a struggle, and I'm extra sensitive to possible insults.

To be honest, I hate this and I'm more then a little bit afraid that what ever changes my psychiatrist makes to my medication later this week are just going to do nothing for my symptoms and leave me feeling like crap from the side effects. I'm nervous about the blood test he had done. I'm worried that the results will say that I'm utterly fucked up and hopeless. I don't know why, but I'm afraid that's what the results are going to show.

I'm tired of hiding my diagnosis. I'm learning to accept that there is no shame in it. If there is no shame in having diabetes then there's no shame in having bi polar. I don't like the fact that I've a laundry list of disorders that I am dealing with, but they're all interconnected. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder. I have a social phobia. And I have bi polar II with psychotic features (when I get extremely depressed, I start hearing voices). I'm afraid to go out and find other people like me. I'm terrified that they're going to reject me.

This, however, is something I need to just push through like I have to push through the feelings of shame at having to take medication. I am a good person and I deserve to be healthy. These are things that will help make me healthy.

Wall St. vs Main St. part 2

As I started to say the other day, I believe that people are confusing the symptoms with the problem. We live with a government that is corrupt. It may not be as corrupt as the governments in other nations are, but it is still corrupt. The signs of corruption are fairly simple and it makes me disappointed to have to point them out. That said, here is what I identify as the signs of corruption:

• A disconnect between legislation and the needs of the people
• Heavy handed enforcement of arbitrary laws
• Failure of the government to address grievances of the people
  
• Greater focus upon propaganda distribution then upon dissemination of factual information about government activities (including but not limited to resistance of honoring citizen request for said information)
• Tailoring of laws and statutes to the benefit of an elite few

Now, I recognize that a government will do what it can to perpetuate its existence and to gain greater power. This is just a natural consequence of human greed and the desire to create a secure and comfortable existence. Those who are in the positions of power will attempt to maintain those positions by any means that they can accomplish without upsetting the subordinates to the point where they will rise up against them.

I can fully empathize with the frustration of the Occupy Wall Street groups. There is something wrong with this country when people who were 10 years ago solidly in the middle class are now trying to get financial assistance to cover groceries. I could go on but I think that right there sums up the frustrations of the Occupy Wall Street group. The problem, however, is not the bankers or the corporations.

The problem is in the people who turn over authority for aspects of their lives to these people. When you surrender your financial health to the whims of the stock market, for example, you are going to find yourself unable to maintain it for an extended period of time at a status where you can competently meet your other needs. During the 1990s and the '00s, many people did this. During the same time period, people ceded their rights and personal liberties for the sake of perceived security. Was it a wholesale surrendering of rights? No, but enough was surrendered that I am not surprised by the actions of the NYC police force.

They believe that their activities are appropriate. Why? Because of the potential for rioting and other 'terrorist' like activities. What needs to happen is the people of the nation need to exert their will upon the government, we need to remind them that WE are the ones in charge. That they work for US.

Sadly, I fear this may require a measure of harsh activity. If people who are peaceably protesting continue to be met with a rough hand by the local law enforcement, they will eventually begin to push back. And that will not end pretty.

Infatuation vs. reality

I had a heart to heart with Stormcrow last night. Stark reality is perhaps the harshest of things to face at times. I am happy for him. I was concerned with him being so alone down there. I truly am glad that he has found some one. I dearly hope that she treats him well because he deserves not only to be happy but to be treated like he is worth his weight in gold. Stormcrow is a truly amazing person.

I'm just having a little difficulty putting aside the infatuation that tangled me up over the last few weeks.

Songs and memory.

I have fallen in love with a song. I confess a mild infatuation with Ingrid Michaelson. Her song The Chain is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I have heard in a while. It is filled with such clarity of sound and lyric beauty only on the basis of the orchestration. Add to it the wonderful contralto voice of Ms. Michaelson and it is simply enrapturing.

Another song that I have been just enthralled with is filled with an almost fierce sense of vitality. Omina is a group that I stumbled onto and keep finding myself listening to with a mixture of awe and joy. Their song Alive! is another vivid piece of music that just leaves me breathless. It makes me want to get up and dance wildly. It has been a musical bit of medicine for my soul in the face of the crushing depression that rolls over me in waves.

In the midst of all this, I find myself thinking of when I heard Stormcrow sing for the first time. I hadn't expected a tenor voice. I don't know what I was expecting but the sweet, clear ringing quality that was in his voice just held me captivated. I find myself thinking of that moment with a measure of longing. There was no self consciousness or braggadocio. He was just simply singing the song as naturally as breathing. It was striking.

It makes me want to listen to him sing again.

Yule Project List

This is a list to remind myself what I am currently working on. I may even note progress in here with addendums. That said, here is The List:

• Sweater for Cuddle Bear X
  
• Bigger Blankie for Snuggle Bug X (given early)
  
• Bigger Blanket for Beloved (replaced w/ another item, store bought)
  
• Crochet Klein Bottle Hat for Beloved's brother
• Audrey II for Energizer Girl
• Crochet fingerless gloves for Rocker Chick (X), Trouble 1 & 2, the Mischief Duo, and Mercy Girl
  
• Loom Knit hats for Monster Girl, Cuddle Bear's best friend T and T's little brother
• Beaded stitch markers for OnComingStorm
• Crochet hook case & sweater pattern for StormWatcher
• Crochet hook case for JBirdie
• Sock weight yarn for J X
• Amigurumi rabbit for Trouble 1 X
  
• Amigurumi dog for Trouble 2
• Amigurumi monster for Snuggle Bug
  

Of all this, I've the yarn finished, the sweater half done, and the increase in Snuggle Bug's blankie started.

I think I'm going to be busy.

Wall St. vs Main St. part 1

Just about everybody is giving their opinions on the Occupy Wall Street protest, it's daughter protests, and the counter protests. Some of the opinions are entertaining, some are thought provoking, and others are, to be honest, moronic. There are people screaming about class warfare. There is misbehavior by the NYC police and gallantry by members of the armed forces. It is a messy, leaderless group of people who have reached the crucial point of frustration and anger where they have moved beyond simply venting to taking action.

I say messy because there is no one strand unifying and thereby clarifying just what they're looking for. Oh, yes, there are some 'demands' floating around on the interwebz. There was the seed concept, which was to call upon the leaders in the political arena to separate themselves from the financial industry and similar corporate influencers of lawmakers. It has, however, grown beyond that seed concept into a free form movement.

Something that I have to say is that people are confusing the symptoms with the problem. Corruption in the government has a specific set of symptoms, in my opinion.

[I'll add more after my husband gets home from work, because the kids are up to mischief.]

NaNoWriMo?

I'm trying to decide if I have the mental cohesion to attempt NaNoWriMo this year. It is something that I'd like to participate in again but I don't know if I should. Part of the challenge before me is finding the time to write. Part of the challenge is what to write. And the third part of the challenge is determining if I have enough time to do so in the face of working on Yule gifts. November is not only a big month for me writing wise with NaNoWriMo, it is a big month for me to finish up gifts for people.

I don't want to push myself too hard. I'm realizing that with my psychological challenges, I could be setting myself up for some real problems. Over exerting myself tends to set off my depressive episodes. I don't want to deal with that on top of everything else. We literally just got out from under some rather challenging constraints. I don't want to tempt fate and engender more. That is the absolute last thing I want to do right now.

I may do NaBloPoMo instead of NaNoWriMo this year. If I work on one of my fiction blogs, I can still say I'm doing something that could be worked towards a novel. It's something of a debate right now. Fortunately, I've got most of October to make my decision.

Struggling with depression.

For the last several weeks, I've been having a rough time of it. I am having problems again with depression. The doctor has adjusted my medication and some of the more severe symptoms seem to have lifted. This, however, has been the primary reason why I haven't posted anything in here for a little while now. I shall, however, try to post something at least once a week. Even if it is a quick update as to what I've been doing with the kids.