Time to get y'all ready for gardening and such.

For more reasons then just the fact that it's spring. Have a look at this. And I've had folks telling me I'm paranoid. Yep, keep sayin' that.

I'll just continue to stock up on my gardening supplies and such. Because, like the expression says:

Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst, and such... :p

Thoughts.

Sometimes, we just can't get a thought out of our head. At times, it seems impossibly difficult to voice it. At other times, voicing it doesn't seem to do anything to relieve it. It's like listening to the song that keeps playing in the back of your mind. And then, you suddenly hear it on the radio. Sometimes, it works to make it stop playing in your head. Other times, it just doesn't work at all, possibly even making things worse.

I've been having recurring thoughts to the point of having difficulty sleeping. It's ... distracting and embaressing to find myself thinking so much on sex. Even more so when I realize that I just don't know what to say or do about it.

Wow, lame advertising!

I love the people at Blogger. The service they provide is awesome.

I question the people who are coming up with their advertising. I hadn't heard the line Guess what's cooler then a box of crayons? since when I was a kid. As in, when I was in 3rd grade was the last time I heard it, and that was because a friend of mine was showing me their brand new matchbox car. It was a burgundy colored corvette with teal racing stripes and cream colored plastic interior. I thought it was ugly but that's just me.

Seriously, what the hell is the matter with the advertising people?

I know, I know, if I know so much, why the hell didn't I go into advertising?

The answer to that is fairly simple. I hate being a lemming and I refuse to encourage other people to be lemmings as well. That seems to be the way the advertising market works and I am generally disgusted with it.

I am even more disgusted with the idea that the advertising industry has become focused on presenting things in a format that is progressively more stupid. I really don't want to purchase a product when you insult my intelligence by implying that a 18 yr old needs to worry about wrinkle cream or that using a hair dye product will suddenly make a 50 year old man look 20. Seriously, what the hell is up with that?

And why are there so many insane advertisements regarding erectile dysfunction and genital herpes on during Saturday morning cartoons? Can some one please explain that to me? Last I checked children didn't have to worry about those things! Kinda like all of the feminine hygenie products marketed at that time.

Oh, and what the fuck, are there no fathers who have an interaction with their children?

God, I hate this crap.

Yay! Sleep deprivation!

For the last few weeks, I haven't been sleeping well. Partly because of my damn teeth. :( Aside from that, I honestly am not entirely sure what the problem has been. I rather hate it because during the day I really am a zombie.

I want to go lay down and sleep but I don't think I'd wake up in time to go make the boy's lunch.

On the upside, however, I've been finding myself able to write again. So... I guess it's not too horrible, even if editing this is going to be hell and I'm finding that I'm typing like a dyslexic again. :P

Thank god I'm not at college right now. I remember the term papers I turned in. When they got handed back to me with out a grade and i was told to retype the whole thing because after the second page it was incomprehensible gibberish... it was a sad day. :(

God, I think somehow so much of this is connected to my hormones being out of whack but I honestly don't know. At the moment, I'm debating just what to add here. On one hand, this is a great forum for me to do stream of consciousness writing, not that I don't do that anyways, but I'm not sure how well the rest of these thoughts coming to mind relate to anything else.

I'm rambling in an desperate effort to avoid sleep so that I will be awake enough to finish cleaning dishes, make a few bottles, and get some other chores done.

I really do suck sometimes.

~ Edited to Add ~

And I'm so screwed up due to lack of sleep I posted this initially in the wrong blog. :P

Facing fear head on.

We all have times where we're afraid. Sometimes, that fear is so intense that the world seems to become nothing but a vast morass of oppressive forces at work for your destruction. It may sound funny, but I think that the high influence of science fiction classics in my education and upbringing has proven to have an interesting effect upon how I view fear.

I present to you this gem of wisdom from Frank Herbert's Dune:

The Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear

I must not fear.

Fear is the mind-killer.

Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.

I will face my fear.

I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.

Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.

Only I will remain.

It may sound a little foolish, but I try to keep this in mind when I am facing my fears.

So, as I sit here facing fears regarding small details of life, such as money, I strive to keep this in my mind. It's been something that has been there in my mind since I saw a movie version of Dune when I was a kid. It's funny, however, that something like this would stay in my mind in the face of so many things.

I think, however, that precious little from my forays into science fiction as a girl has ever served me better then this. (I've cross posted this into my other blog as well.)

Places of safety.

I have places and people that make me feel safe. I don't usually think about it much. I guess it makes me feel a little uncomfortable. Apart of me believes that I should be able to feel safe no matter where I am. That, however, is simply not the case. If I'm not somewhere I do feel safe or with some one that makes me feel safe, I am somewhere between fear and ... wary caution.

If I don't feel safe, I work very hard to maintain as neutral of a response to my environment as possible. If the context of where I am demands a more happy air, I would supply it, but I strive not to be one to allow persons close to me in those settings that I don't know.

Perhaps it is because some where down deep inside, I am still a victim. I don't know. It makes me uncomfortable to admit that. It also makes me feel a deep sense of shame. I feel shame for the fact that I had been victimized in the past. I feel shame for the fact that my efforts to prevent that victimization failed.

Usually, that shame doesn't even enter into my thoughts. It's something that's been fairly well eradicated from my daily thoughts. Thank goodness for competent councilors and years of effort, as well as having wonderful people supporting me. At times, however, it does come back to mind. And then.. then I just want to hide because I feel that I shouldn't even show my face because my mere presence sullies the room, just by the fact that I failed to protect myself. And at those times, I also desperately want some one to take me into their arms and hold me, to push aside that horrible choking feeling of shame by the pure force of their will, telling me all of the good that there is in me to help me see past it.

When I'm somewhere I feel safe, I'm insulated from that shame. Just as when I'm with some one who makes me feel safe. Then, I can let myself express pretty much everything. I'll take risks and do foolish things. I will laugh more easily and allow myself to be as affectionate as I want, all to my heart's content. I am an extremely affectionate person, I just keep it on a tight leash. Being affectionate seems to get you hurt alot in this world, so you need to keep it restrained until you're somewhere or with someone who won't hurt you for the sake of doing so.

That fact is one that breaks my heart. It's one of the reasons why I cry at night sometimes when I think no one is awake or listening. The fact that the world is so... so full of people who'll hurt others for no reason then the fact that they can is a terrible tragedy.

Thoughts on an evening.

This will seem a non sequitor, but since when has a person's thoughts been required to make sense?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was shock and delight that you saw on my face. Sometimes, I can't help it. I get so caught up in the sensations and I can't really do anything. That was one of those times. It's like... it's like feeling pleasure so intense that you can't quite breathe properly, never mind see straight, and you're not sure if you'll continue to stand up if you move.

I think that may have disturbed you or upset you. I'm sorry if it had, I really was perfectly fine. I was just rather overwhelmed by such a sudden rush of sensation.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

You know, sometimes, sometimes I can't stop thinking about things like that. It's not like I fixate on it and ... well, maybe I do fixate on it, I don't know. I've always felt a little embaressed about the fact that I can get so utterly captivated by what I'm feeling and that ... well, it's like I'm drownding in emotion, sensation, and something more... ephemeral that's only present when such games are played. And I don't mind it, which sounds a bit odd given my past. Actually, probably alot more then odd, maybe a bit closer to sounding down right disturbing to most people.

But it's a rush that very little in life has ever compared to. On one hand, I am afraid to let myself be fully caught up in it. So, when I'm surprised, it's even more intense and I react like I did the other day. I'm afraid that I'll get so collapsed into that experience that I won't come out of it, I won't be able to function normally. Being responsible and adult even as you're utterly distracted, among other things, is somewhat ... well, I guess it's mutually exclusive. I fear this part of my psyche because it's such a potent force within me and it's always there.

At the same time, however, I want... no, I need to experience that heart stopping ecstacy almost as much as I need to breathe. It's a ... it's something that I crave. It's not like some silly thing where you really enjoy chocolate, for example, and justify your indulgence by saying that you craved it. It's closer to the maddening hunger for vegetables and chicken that I had when I was pregnant with my boy. God, I wish it was as simple as just that I was indulging a sweet tooth. Then, I think, I wouldn't find myself having times where I am trying to put so many aspects of my life into that context.

I can go thru a day and find so many ways to put things into the context of games of power play. Never mind the more physical elements of it. Mind you, when I do find the fleeting mental images come to mind of different scenes, it's with sufficent intensity where I can almost feel it. I have a very... vivid imagination and I've worked years on attuning my skills at visualization for other practices. Unfortunately, when my imagination decides to run away on me, it likes to hijack those skills for it's own purposes.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I don't really know what to say now. There's so many things that I want to say and yet so many things that I'm terrified to say. And I don't even know if it's a conversation that I should have. It's rather confusing to be in a relationship like the one my husband and I have. It's even more confusing when I can't even figure out how to make sense of the things going thru my mind, even as my husband tells me that it's fine for me to consider those things and he'd only want to have a bit of a plan before any action was taken.

I probably should stop now. It's... it's something that has one part of my brain saying that this is all foolish nonsense, another part saying that it's dangerously stupid, and ... so much more.

I will say this, though, in that moment, I would have done almost anything for more. And I haven't been able to get that out of my head.

Good for a giggle.

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Half of a confession.

I can't fully voice this. So, I am going to only say what I can comfortably, or at least as comfortably as is possible at the moment.

I think of it often, more so when I find I'm fustrated. Ideas and images that come to mind are so... so very intense that I can almost feel it at times. Sometimes ideas strike me so strongly that I can't shake them.

The thought of being restrained is one that frequently comes to mind. The image that comes to mind the most recently is that of arms pushed back and tied together. I could say more, but it's just too... to much at the moment.

I wish I knew what to do with it all. I can't exactly write this down. But I don't know how to voice it.

Fear.

He who lives in fear never really lives. He is a prisoner of death, dying a thousand deaths a day. ~ an old proverb

Fear tends to stalk me thru my day on a regular basis. I genuinely hate it. I'm not sure what is worse, being depressed or dealing with chronic anxiety. Either way, it really does feel like I'm a prisoner. There's this horrible hypercritical monster in the back of my head that is always telling me what I'm doing wrong, what I'm forgetting to do, or that I'm failing somehow, somewhere to do something that needs done.

It's a lot worse when I'm depressed. I can't say that I feel that I'm all that helped by anti-anixety medications. Sure, it does do wonders. It tones down the 'volume' of that little monster, but it doesn't make it go away. There's alot of ads out there which presents this false picture that anti-anxiety medications and anti-depressants will magically reverse the condition and give you some type of euphoria.

My experience has been closer to having these medications serve to dull the edge of it and blunt the sharpness of that internal criticism. This is in addition to the fact that I find myself feeling apathetic towards everything. I'm left wondering, what on earth do you do to master fear? I'm getting sick of these drugs. They're really not that good for me, I know that in my gut.

Dieting stragegies.

Well, I've been trying to stick to a healthy diet. I generally do eat fairly healthy, though I think my portions are a bit too large. That said, I've been doing what I can to gradually move away from junk food and bad habits (like skipping meals). I figure if I can get my portions under control, use only healthy foods in my diet, and break my bad habits, I can accomplish two goals.

My first goal in all of this is to become healthier. I remember just how difficult it was when my lungs were causing me a lot of problems a few years ago. I recognize that some of the problem was due to weight and lack of proper exercise. I don't want to be in that position again, it was rather scary. No, scary is an understatement. It was terrifying to be left wondering if I was going to wind up in the hospital on a nebulizer or having some other treatment for my breathing possibly for the rest of my life. Looking at that prospect before you're even 25, well, it's pretty damn terrifying. That was a really rough year.

My second goal is to put forward a good role model for my son and the other children around me. The children of both my brothers, they've got their own bit of weight problems. My sister-in-law is struggling to show her girls how to eat healthy, but she's got some family members that are sabotaging her efforts. Slipping the girls junk food and such after their mom said no or letting them have what ever foods they want (or protesting when their mother doesn't do that) are just two of the stupid things that they do. I see how hard my sister-in-law struggles and I recognize that she's done a lot of great work herself. I admire that and I want to accomplish this for myself.

There are two good reasons to be doing this. I think they're reasons to be proud of. It's not like I want to fit into that bikini that I've got in the closet this summer. Though I admit, that would be kind of nice. I've only worn it for one season, then I got pregnant. I'd like to have the opportunity to use it again.

My problem, however, is my strategy is just not working. At first, I decided that I would just eat when I felt hungry. Then I found myself swinging back and forth between not eating properly and eating when I was bored or upset. So, I decided that I would cut out emotional eating. That's been something of a chore, but I have been making some progress in that area. It's left me, however, unsure what to do with these most uncomfortable feelings. I'll figure something out.

Getting rid of the emotional eating, however, didn't resolve the other problem. So, I thought that I could use small special things to help me stick to things like the eating schedule that I've been trying to keep. It turned into my witholding those special things from myself as punishment for failing to stick to it or doing well with portion control.

So, what on earth am I going to do now? I'm struggling with ideas. I can't afford to go do the weight watchers thing or some other program. I just don't have the money. Heck, I don't even have the money for the anti-anxiety medication/ anti-depressant that I'm taking right now. But, I'm doing that because I have to.

I wish I could think of something, but I'm just stumped and feeling miserable. I look in the mirror and I see myself so close and yet so far away from my goal. I've made a lot of progress but now... I'm stuck and I don't know what to do. It's a terrible thing.

Sexuality, pt 2

Here's a different thing in the same topic arena.

(Perhaps I should make a label for the topics dealing with this... I'll decide later.)

I love the fact that my husband and I have a healthy and active sex life. I hate the fact that I feel limited in expressing just how happy I am with it. I hate how stress manages to get in the way of our expressing ourselves. I really don't like the fact that I need to limit my expression for the sake of the domestic comfort of the neighbors. These are the same people who seem to feel that their drunken outbursts are acceptable for me to hear thru the walls for some reason.

It offends me that I need to lead something of a double life. In public, I can't express myself in this aspect of my personality. It's not because I want to engage in indecent exposure or something else like that (though the thought of public nudity as indecent has almost always irritated me, even when I am feeling extremely body shy). No, the problem that I have is the fact that it's some how viewed as morally wrong for me to be attracted to people aside from my husband. It's even more questionable in the eyes of others for me to be attracted to people of my own gender in addition to men.

What is so wrong with bisexuality? Can some one *please* explain this to me? Seriously, this offends the hell out of me! I'm a woman who happens to be attracted to both men and women. What the hell is wrong with that? This doesn't mean that I don't love or desire my husband. This doesn't mean that I'm disloyal to him. People who assume that he and I are being disloyal on the basis of who ever we may possibly be attracted to outside of our marriage really need to get a god damn life.

This makes me angry as hell, too. Who has the right to tell me how my relationship with my husband is supposed to go? Who aside from my husband and myself has that right? Never mind the fact that our relationship is well within the norms of our own beliefs. Can some one PLEASE tell me why the rest of the town apparently has the right to sneer at me if I am not wearing my wedding ring or if I'm out and about with out my husband?

Mind you, the times where I have encountered this attitude is especially when I'm out running errands with the baby in tow. I feel disgusted and furious, as well as embaressed, by the looks that I get for being out of the house with my baby and not wearing my rings. Never mind the fact that my hands were too large for them to fit me properly for almost a full year between the pregnancy and the weight gain from the pregnancy. What am I supposed to do, apologize to every blue haired little old woman I see for the fact that I'm not wearing my wedding band and pushing a baby stroller, explaining that my husband is at work, then getting him on the phone to prove that we're married?

Do I need a signed note telling me that I can go out of the house and do things with out my husband attendant, or some other relative of mine? Please, somebody, tell me what the fuck is the issue here? I'm seriously getting sick of this small minded bullshit. And these are the people who I'm supposed to let dictate my sexual appetites and preferences? I think most of these dried up sticks are horrified by the fact that they have any distinguishable gender traits.

Quite frankly, I *like* the fact that I'm a woman. It's pretty awesome. Especially the multiple orgasm thing. It's hard as hell to keep in mind that there's nothing wrong with the fact that I'm a woman when I encounter this kind of bullshit on a semi-daily basis.

God, some people really make me angry as fuck.

Sexuality

Some people have a real issue with sexuality of any form. To be honest, I feel that if no one is getting hurt and it's consensual, do what you will. There are some limits that I feel are hard and fast (unintentional puns there, sorry). Sex with children or people who are unable to give fully informed consent is wrong and reprehensible. A child does not have the capacity to make the decision to engage in sex with any sense of the long term ramifications, as a general rule. Consent derived under duress is the same as refusing to listen to denial of consent, as such, it consitutes rape. Engaging in practices that are categoricly unsafe (including various unhygenic ones) is another thing that I just won't do and I highly advise others against doing so.

Now, this said, there are ways to engage in practices that seem to be unsafe or have the potential to be unsafe. This where one needs to be responsible in choosing their partner(s) and in their exercise of the practices they're employing. Bondage can be a beautiful thing and it can also be incredibly exciting. It can also be a thing of very real horror and incredibly dangerous. The difference between the two is responsiblity and consent. Many of the practices used in the BDSM community look to be quite unsafe and horrible to the casual observer. They are generally things that are pushed away to the fringes of sexuality (no one ever breathes a word about it in any of the *college level* sexuality classes even). If you are responsible, set clear limits, and maintain open lines of communication with everyone involved, pretty much any sexual appetite you indulge is fine.

I don't know why the rest of the world doesn't seem to see it this way. Oh, there's nothing wrong with sex but it needs to be within this specific set of circumscribed rules. If you do things a different way, you're going to automaticly be morally suspect and otherwise an undesireable figure. Gods help you if you happen to actually take into account other factors such as emotions, relationships, or anything else of the real world. Suddenly, you find yourself dealing with such a mess of social sterotypes, that it's really quite ugly.

I hate the way society tries to tell me what to do in the bedroom, who to do it with, and how I should feel about it. I hate the way that society attempt to dictate to me what my interests should be and that if I fall outside of those norms, I am somehow flawed as a person and of lesser value.

I think if society at large worried more about how to empower people to take some measure of pride and a healthy acceptance of the diversity of personalities in the world, and less about putting us into boxes, we'd all be better off. Sexuality and relationships included.

Censoring myself.

I've come to the realization that I've been censoring myself again. It's a bit of a bad habit that I have when I'm speaking. I'm not saying that self monitoring is a bad thing, but too much of it can be. I began using this blog as a writing exercise and a place to vent my stress with work and life in general. Somewhere along the way, I started to censor my comments here and this does not help me achieve the goal of this writing exercise.

So, I'm going to stop censoring myself. I recognize that there is a chance that my family may encounter some of these posts and have some hard questions. I can't let that stop me from writing as I feel I should or using this to explore various facets of my writing voice. It's just not fair to me and it also runs counter to the purpose of having this blog. It's not a way to be an exhibitionist about my life, but rather a forum for me to experiment with finding my voice in writing.

I have other blogs that serve different purposes. I've generally done a good job of sticking with the objective that I set out for myself at the outset of using them. As such, I really need to return to the initial goal of this blog. And that means I need to stop censoring myself.

Silliness of the adult variety.

I just lifted this from one of my other friend's blogs. It was good for a giggle.

1. Your Name:
2. Age:
3. Favorite position:
4. Do you think I'm cute?
5. Would you have sex with me?
6. lights on or off?
7. Would you have to be drunk?
8. Would you take a shower with me?
9. Have you ever thought about having sex with me?
10. Would you leave after or stay the night?
11. Do you like cuddling afterwards?
12. Condom or skin?
13. Have sex on the first date?
14. Would you kiss me during sex?
15. Do you think I would be good in bed?
16. Would you use me as a booty call?
17. Can I use you as a booty call?
18. Can we take pictures of the act?
19. How long would we have sex?
20. Would you tell your friends about me?
21. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

Answer the questions, if you want. :)

boredom strikes again. :)

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Hmmm....

Have you ever found yourself so distracted by an idea that it manages to creep into your thoughts on a semi-regular basis? It makes me wonder, is that how obsessions begin? I kinda doubt that I'm obsessing over anything, because it isn't like this idea has taken over my world. Over the last several weeks, however, I'm finding myself quite distracted by the idea that my antidepressants are not working as well as they should be.

It was somewhat amusing that when this idea was really looking like it was turning into a sources of distress there was a big news article about it. I'm not entirely sure how to approach this, though. Not taking them makes these rather ugly thought surge up in roaring volume and I find myself so... listless that I just can't keep up with myself, let alone running a household and caring for the boy. Depression scares the hell out of me, so I want to take every possible route in fending off the beast that I can in good conscience.

That said, I'm finding the anxiety is building again and the thoughts are beginning to creep thru the barrier of numbness and drug induced apathy. I don't know what to do, though. In the past, when I was struggling with rather intense depression and was taking antidepressants, I went thru about four different drugs over the course of as many months. The only one that worked for any period of time is the one that I'm currently on. Even then, I wasn't fully alleviated of my symptoms. It just took the edge off enough so that I could function.

I had something else to add but I forgot what it was. So much for that, but such is life with a kid in the house.