Country wife, computer widow

Things to learn

2012-01-25T16:18:00.000-08:00

Here is my list of things that I want to learn this year:

Spanish
German
Nalbinding
Tatting
Medieval poetry forms
Kenning
Weaving techniques
Solar dying
Linear algebra
How to make a corset

feminisim

2012-01-19T17:40:00.001-08:00

i am what one would call a classical feminist. my more militant feminist friends would most likely feel that i am not taking a hard enough stance, if not out right betraying 'the cause' in being a housewife. what they forget is that feminism is about giving women the ability to CHOOSE how they're going to live their lives professionally, to CHOOSE how they manage their reproductive and sexual health, and to protect the RIGHT to those choices (among many others).

it's is stolen from my Facebook page.

if you don't know what the story is on feminism here's a good place to start:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism

Bento boxes!

2011-12-21T11:13:00.000-08:00

I have fallen in love with the concept of the bento box. There are lots of great websites that talk about recipes and different ways to design them. I have whipped up a few different ones off and on over the last year or so. Cuddle Bear was a bit to young to really appreciate them when I got started, which left me a bit frustrated.

Now that he is older, however, I can start applying some of these awesome ideas that I have encountered. Tonight, the boys are getting bento boxes for dinner. I made them the following:

Hummus & cream cheese sandwiches on whole wheat bread
Apple slices/chunks (crinkle cut with my nifty knife)
Mini marshmallows and vanilla wafer cookie

I'll be giving them juice with dinner because we have about four bottles of it kicking around here. My plan is to put together boxes for them to have for lunches next week when Cuddle Bear and Snuggle Bug are both off from preschool. (Snuggle Bug is now going to preschool 2 days a week. It's been a relief that he has taken to it so well.)

I'm going to post what I whip together for them to eat. Eventually, I may even get pictures of the meals and the boys enjoying them up on here too.

Making progress...

2011-12-16T16:57:00.000-08:00

I've recently finished making gifts. I am now half through wrapping them. I have half of my yule cards out in the mail. On the whole, the only big thing left is decorating. I'm not sure just how aggressively I'll be going after that because the boys are getting into everything.

I am, however, making progress and getting things done. That counts as a win, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #30

2011-11-30T17:46:00.000-08:00

I'm finally at the end of the month and I finally have my post count up to where I wanted it to be. Yay! In other news, discussing stuff regarding Cuddle Bear's foray into schooling is so stressful. I understand Beloved getting hot under the collar over it. It was hard, but I managed not to 'catch' his stress. I kept focusing on trying to clarify what he was upset over and trying to clarify where I was coming from. I'm still feeling pretty wound up, but I'm not angry or otherwise feeling poorly.

I guess that's a win, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #29

2011-11-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

Random nonsense goes here. I'm doing the lazy man's way out and making a paragraph stand for a blog post. I'm also having a hard time getting my thoughts to slow down long enough to type them up. I type pretty fast, as it is, so I think it may be time for my medication. At least I'm no longer on the verge of a panic attack. But my brain is whirling around faster and faster. I don't like it when I get like this.

But, this is why I have medication.

NaBloPoMo Post #28

2011-11-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

So, I am a little past half way finished with my list of Yule projects. I still need to figure out how to get pictures off of the digital camera so I can put together that photo album for my MiL. I hope to pin my husband down tonight and get him to show me what I must do, this way I'm not stuck bothering him a lot later on. I need to go out shopping for two items.

I want to give Snuggle Bug two puzzles for yule. So, I am going to have to hit up the store where I got the one for a second. Then the puzzle box will be full of puzzles again. Which I am sure both kids will enjoy. I also need to go out and buy him a sweater. I know that he has several that were passed down from his big brother but I really feel that I need to get him another. Because quite a few of the hand-me-down sweaters are getting small around the neckline. I want him to be able to actually use them. If I'm lucky, I may manage to find him a hoodie with Cookie Monster on it. Because, Snuggle Bug LOVES Cookie Monster.

I'm at the point now where I am about to start work on two stuffed animals. I also have a hat left to make. It's a tough decision but I think I'm going to finish the hat first because it will be fairly quick to do. Then I can get the animals done and be ready except for wrapping stuff up. And if I work at it diligently, I can be at the point where all of that is taken care of before Yule even.

NaBloPoMo Post #27

2011-11-29T10:25:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of stuff put aside for doing scrapbook pages and collages. I should probably get my hands on it and actually start putting these pages together. I think that will serve as my 'Artist Date' this week. I'll take some time Sunday afternoon. That'll be my reward for getting through the week.

If I do a page a week, I should get caught up after a little bit. Or perhaps I'll do two pages. I don't know. But I am not going to get ahead of myself and try to make myself do too much. I want to take as steady and reasonable of a process as I can manage. All of this reminds me, I need to print off pictures of the boys for the photo album that we're going to be giving my MiL for Yule this year. I don't know how we're going to get that done.

I think we'll probably be ordering prints via Wally World. I suspect, however, that will be one of the last things that we require from anywhere for presents. Again, I need to go through the pile of stuff. I should probably start wrapping things now instead of doing it all in a mad rush for the last few days before Yule.

NaBloPoMo Post #26

2011-11-29T10:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm three posts behind where I wanted to be. I will probably ramble on about politics or something else later on this evening to get my post count caught up. I'm almost finished with NaBloPoMo. As I look back over the month, I am glad I didn't take on NaNoWriMo. I think it would have made getting ready for Yule a nightmare and just stressed me out horribly. So, I suppose I made the right decision this year.

Maybe next year I'll do NaNoWriMo. I'm not going to leave major work on Yule gifts until October next year. That was just foolish of me.

NaBloPoMo Post #25

2011-11-28T17:36:00.000-08:00

Ahh, Pakistan. I'd just like to say that I called this one coming a mile away. There's this little thing called sovereignty. When one country ignores it and does what ever the hell they want in another country, the other country is going to get pissed. Now, I'm still trying to figure out why the fuck we thought it was a good idea to take a shit in the sandbox of another NUCLEAR capable nation.

We got Osama Bin Laden, whoopie. And the Taliban is running around doing bad shit, then hiding in Pakistan.

Seriously, that part of the world is a goddamn power keg and it's not going to turn out pretty if we keep trying to boot stomp our way around there.

Of course, reading about this stuff just makes me cranky. Maybe I should go back to reading about happy fun things. Our government is run by idiots. I'm genuinely convinced of this.

NaBloPoMo Post #24

2011-11-28T17:12:00.000-08:00

I've been following the news about Syria for a little while now. The UN has finally grown a pair of balls and called the Syrian government on their atrocious treatment of protesters. I think it's because the Arab League has put on their ass kicking boots and are not tolerating Syria's bullshit. Between sanctions and ultimatums, I think they're getting ready to take action if there is no change to the situation.

For my part, I'm rather disgusted that the USA hasn't taken a more decisive stance on the matter. There was an initial statement and then pussy footing around. And I hold Hillary Clinton in even more contempt then I had before because she called this toothless response 'smart power.' I question, Madam Secretary, where is your outrage over the brutal violence against peaceful protesters?

Last I recall, your husband took a stand against similar brutality that was going on in Kosovo. Oh, wait... that was a war. Never mind, we apparently only will act when we feel we have the moral high ground in the event of a ...

Wait? What? Oh yeah... Iraq. Wasn't that where Saddam Hussein was brutalizing his people? We didn't turn a blind eye to that ... well, not over the last few years of his ...

Oops... I guess the US record on human rights is kinda shitty on that front. How many people died because we failed to put on our big kid pants and stood up for what was right?

Let's see, we've got:

Darfur
Somalia
Iraq
Kosovo
Stalin's Russia
Kim Il Sung's North Korea

And that's just the beginning of the list. And we've a place of honor... we're on that list of genocides for Nixon's fun in Vietnam.

The next time some asshat tells me that we have the moral high ground in international politics, I may just beat them to death with a dictionary... like the unabridged one, which if you drop it out a 2nd story window on to someone it'll cause severe injuries because it weighs several pounds.

Good on the Arab League. US, let's get our heads out of our asses and get our shit together.

NaBloPoMo Post #23

2011-11-28T17:04:00.000-08:00

I'm way behind on my blogging for the month. I feel a little frustrated with that, to be honest. Of course, as I look back over my last few blog posts I feel a bit embarrassed by them. A paragraph is a bit wimpy, so says the part of my brain that has been insisting that I should have taken on NaNoWriMo this year. I'm working on not being calculatingly critical.

Oh, hells, a paragraph is better then nothing, right? Maybe I'll come up with some other random thoughts to post next. Stargazer did NaBloPoMo and had some entries that were a single sentence. If she did it, so can I.

NaBloPoMo Post #22

2011-11-27T16:20:00.000-08:00

I feel worn out. Not physically but emotionally. I think it's just from my hormones being all over the place due to my menses but I'm not entirely sure. A part of me says there's no point to blogging if no one is reading. I've been doing my best to tell that part to shut up, with little success.n

NaBloPoMo Post #21

2011-11-22T18:47:00.001-08:00

Short post. Leg hurts. Stomach aches and I've felt cold all day. Blargh.

NaBloPoMo Post #20

2011-11-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

It's been a long day today. And yet, here I am at the end of the day more awake then I was in the early part of the day. I don't know why. Perhaps it's just an off moment. Perhaps there's something else at play. Either way, I'm not looking forward to all the work of tomorrow.

I tell myself that I am blessing my home and cleaning a holy place, thus serving my gods and helping my family. Cleaning, however, continues to be drudgery. Some day, I'll change my relationship with it. If I keep telling myself these positive things, I should change my mindset on this, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #19

2011-11-20T17:41:00.000-08:00

And now for a bit of fiction...

The Priestess walked the halls of the temple beyond the partition of the sanctuary. Cradling a hot cup of tea with honey in it, she proceeded at a stately pace, meditating on her role as head of the order. It was unprecedented that she dropped part of her title during informal interactions. It was equally unprecedented that the High Priestess of the order would work intimately with her junior priestesses. It had earned her the informal title of "Blessed Mother".

On this morning, she was tired and watching the honey colored light slid through the archways to glow in vibrant pools on the marble flagstones. She walked through these pools, half expecting to feel its warmth catch upon her voluminous skirts like water. From one end of the colonnade to the other, she walked. A pair of acolytes knelt near the midpoint of the passage, scrubbing the stones with wide, soft bristled brushes beside a bucket of cold water. The priestess knew they were watching her from the corners of their eyes.

The dark haired woman stopped near the two younger women. The pair remained steadfastly focused on their task despite the silent presence behind them. "Rise and come with me," she said quietly. The acolytes looked at each other. "Floors always need cleaning. It will keep. Now, come with me," the High Priestess of Yulara prompted gently. The pair kneeling before her looked at each other. One resumed scrubbing as the other stood.

With a small gesture of benediction, the priestess turned and began walking again. "Your sister is still too troubled by the world," the priestess said to her young shadow, "Come, walk by my side, not behind me. We are sisters in our service to the gods." Reluctantly, the acolyte walked to the left of the head of her order. The young woman's short hair shone like spun gold in the morning's light as they walked out into the courtyard.

"My dear, do you know why your sister failed to accept my invitation?" the black clad woman asked. The acolyte chewed her lower lip, unsure what the correct answer was and thus remained silent. The Blessed Mother looked over and smiled indulgently. "The wise choose silence when unsure how to respond, you have done well," she said before taking a sip of her tea.

The pair walked to a bench sheltered by a pair of thin trees with silvery green leaves. The brilliant sunlight bathed the courtyard with blinding beauty. It caught in the tresses of the Blessed Mother and made the touch of gray in her hair silver. "Sit, my child," she said, gesturing beside herself on the bench. Obediently, the young woman sat with her hands folded in her lap. The Blessed Mother looked over at the younger woman.

Her blond hair had been cut short as a sign that she was reborn upon her entry into the order. Unlike other maidens under her care, the Blessed Mother noted this young woman maintained the short hairstyle. Her white robes were pristine beneath her dingy gray work smock. The Blessed Mother remembered herself as a maiden of the order, struggling to maintain the pure white of her own robes.

"Tell me, my Daughter," she said, "What is your heart's dearest wish?" The maiden looked over, surprise in her eyes. "You've not taken the vow of silence," the priestess said with a rich chuckle, "So speak, child." The young woman looked at her hands.

"I wish to serve the gods," answered the acolyte, "As you do, Blessed Mother." The priestess smiled, hearing the undertones of the young woman's answer.

"That requires a great deal of study and sacrifice," she said.

"I know. I am willing to do what I must," the acolyte.

The priestess nodded. "Very well. Return to your chores. Take the vow of silence for one year. Then we shall speak again of this," the older woman said, "If you are truly ready for the sacrifices you must make, a year of silence will be a simple thing."

NaBloPoMo Post #18

2011-11-18T17:21:00.000-08:00

Random thought: the Duggars are having their 20th child. For some reason, it disturbs me that they've had 20 children. It's not that I begrudge anyone the joy of having kids. It's not that I have an issue with people not using contraceptives in their marital bed. I'd be one huge hypocrite if I got up on the soap box over that.

The thing that disturbed me was the quote from Michelle Duggar:

It feels more natural to be pregnant than not.

I just sat there and went 'Good Goddess preserve me from that mindset!' Honestly, I can't see myself enduring morning sickness and all the other discomforts of pregnancy 20 times. I lack the words to express how much I do not EVER want to experience that. Three time, maybe. 20 times? Hel no!

Good luck to the Duggars. I think all y'all are nuts. But, there's gotta be some crazies in the world to make it go 'round, right?

NaBloPoMo Post #17

2011-11-18T16:36:00.000-08:00

I am just done for today. My nerves have been having me twisted up in knots. My therapy session sucked. And the kids were getting into everything this evening.

Can we stop the world so I can get off and take a break for a second? I think it's time for me to be doing some knitting or something.

NaBloPoMo Post #16

2011-11-17T17:54:00.000-08:00

A few days ago another person introduced me to the concept of free form crochet. Looking at the images that come up when I did a search, I am intrigued by the idea. I like the prospect of having absolute control over the fabric and I like the prospect of using my yarn like I would paint on a canvas.

The little bit of three dimensional stuff that I've done, the things I really enjoyed were where I just started crocheting and adding as I went along. I suspect that I will take to this style of crochet like a duck to water. First, however, I have to finish the stuff for yule.

NaBloPoMo Post #15

2011-11-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

So I am feeling like I am making a fool out of myself with this Policy Council stuff. I just finished the rough draft for the letter asking for more participation from parents. I sent it out to some other council members to get some feed back before I finish tweaking it. I feel like I wrote up a really pathetic letter.

At the same time, it has literally been years since I've had to do much in the way of official correspondence. I still don't feel comfortable about this.

In other news, I have a bad feeling that I'm going to be voted in as secretary for the upcoming year. My gut is telling me that the fact that I take notes and I actually typed them up after the last meeting is a sign that I'll be doing it more.

Of course, this could be a good thing for when I want to get involved in other activism type of things, I suppose. And I could put it on my resume. I just am quietly worrying that I have just made a fool out of myself.

I hate it when I get like this.

NaBloPoMo Post #14

2011-11-16T18:38:00.000-08:00

Long day. Between mood swings and the kids acting up, I'm just worn out. I did some crochet but I'm just going to say its enough for now. At least I remembered to post today. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I can get two posts in and be only one behind where I am date wise.

NaBloPoMo Post #13

2011-11-15T10:32:00.000-08:00

You know you go to a fast food restaurant a little too often when the staff comment on how nice your new hair cut looks. And one of the wittier people in the back calls out that they missed you when you weren't in on your usual day.

I think I need to find a new place to pick up food while I'm doing laundry on Sundays.

NaBloPoMo Post #12

2011-11-14T18:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I am making progress on Yule gifts. I've got the body done for a little amigurumi rabbit. The head is started. I'm still not entirely sure how I am going to make the ears. This is going to require a little research. I also took a break to make a pocket black hole. :)

NaBloPoMo Post #11

2011-11-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

A part of me says it's cheating to call the knitting pattern I posted earlier a contribution to my NaBloPoMo count, but I'm not letting that bit of perfectionism stop me any more then it stopped me in finishing the knitted mitts. I honestly didn't expect to get them done before Thanksgiving. I'm glad that I did.

Now I have the other small projects to do, which should work up pretty fast. Tonight, I am going to LARP out in Buffalo. I'll be bringing the lace scarf that I'm knitting for someone who may be currently reading this blog. I'll also be bringing the neon orange frog that I crochet last summer for another friend. I'm pretty sure she'll get a huge kick out of it.

I am considering bringing the small crochet bunny that I am working on. I finished the body. I'm just now starting the head. I'm a little stumped as to how to make the ears but I am sure I will find something somewhere that will give me a few pointers.

Rocker Chick's Fingerless Gloves

2011-11-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

YARN:
Color A: 1 ball black RHSS
Color B: 1 ball candy print RHSS

NEEDLES:
size 10 us

Cast on 42 stitches in color A.
R1: Knit in color A
R2: Purl in color A
R3: *Knit 2 st in color A (English method), carry color B across back of fabric (WS). Knit 2 st in color B (Continental method), carry color A across back of fabric. * Repeat *10x. Knit 2 st in color A (English).
R4: *Purl 2 in color A (English method), carry color B across front (WS). Purl 2 in color B (Continental method), carry color A across front (WS).* Repeat * 10 x. Purl 2 st in color A (English)

R 3 & R 4 make pattern. Continue until 6 in long. Knit 1 row in color A. Purl 1 row in color A. Bind off knit wise.

Seam tog R & L edges of fabric, leave 1 in open at 2 in from cast off edge. Seam tog R & L edge of fabric 1 in from cast off edge to cast off edge.

NaBloPoMo Post #9

2011-11-11T18:01:00.001-08:00

I'm slowly making progress on my knitting. The kids are in bed as Hubby is out with a friend. The sounds of gregorian chant isn't relaxing me like it usually does. I feel cold, alone, and generally upset. I'm pretty sure it's due to my mood going through swings. I started out the day ok but then with in the last few hours... well, this happened.

NaBloPoMo Post #8

2011-11-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I've gotten most of the kitchen clean. The living room is a bit of a mess but that'll be easy to take care of. My goal of having each room of the apartment 15 minutes from clean is looking pretty realistic (except for my project room, but we won't talk about that LOL). As I find interesting new gadgets to help me be more efficient in cleaning, it gets easier to be less stressed by a given task. I am seriously considering buying a few of the FLYLady tools.

All of those positive reviews has my curiosity aroused. Something that would work better then what I've got now is always something I'm looking for. Currently, I have one of those dish scrubbers that keep a bit of soap in the handle. I suspect I may wear out the sponge before I use up the soap, however. It did a beautiful job on one of my pots that I had accidentally burned something in. It doesn't seem to be scratching up the every day dishes either. I think it may have been a smart buy.

NaBloPoMo Post #7

2011-11-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

I may make two 'extra' posts over the next couple of days so that my post number corresponds with the date. I'm undecided on that. But, let's move on to what I briefly hinted at yesterday. I went out to the Policy Council meeting for my Cuddle Bear's preschool. I almost turned around and came back home three times on my way there (the third being right in the parking lot). I told myself that I needed to do this, if not for myself then for my kids.

I walked in and put on a sunny smile, but on the inside I was a nervous wreck. I wasn't so nervous that my body was hating me but I was on edge. The folks there were actually quite pleasant and generally laid back in attitude. It relieved me that all I really had to do by way of introducing myself was state who I was and how I was connected to Head Start. I was also glad that I didn't over prepare and bring in a copy of my resume. Beloved talked me out of it, thankfully. Things could have been quite awkward otherwise.

I got a chuckle out of the WTF reaction there was to the budget report. It disappointed me but didn't surprise me very much that the program was operating at a deficit. As fundraisers got briefly discussed it became quite clear that one of the biggest problems was getting parents to participate. I suspect this is going to be a theme through out the year. I volunteered to help write the letter requesting additional participation from parents. I think that was the second hardest thing I did yesterday.

Thinking about it, I am getting butterflies in my stomach and my hands are a little shakey. A part of me is screaming that this whole affair is a bad idea. I think I can push through it, however.

NaBloPoMo Post #6

2011-11-08T18:31:00.000-08:00

Three sentences and then I'm off to bed. Holy crap, I actually did something uncomfortable and came out unscathed. More details tomorrow because I'm tired right now.

NaBloPoMo Post #5

2011-11-05T17:32:00.000-07:00

I finished one of Rocker Chick's gauntlets. I am in the midst of casting on the second and finding that I'm actually feeling optimistic about this. I think the youtube videos helped me out a fair amount. I'm still not half as good at knitting and purling in the continental style but I can actually do it now. A few thousand more rows of doing this and I may even get *that* figured out. Thank goodness that the gauntlets are not *that* long. :D

NaBloPoMo Post #4

2011-11-04T18:13:00.001-07:00

I haven't much to say this evening. I'm finding that working on Rocker Chick's Yule gift is getting maddening. I am coming to hate knitting in the Continental method. I especially dislike purling with that technique. It is very frustrating and I feel utterly clumsy doing it. I have set the project aside. I'll take it up tomorrow. Perhaps the blessing of daylight will help make this easier. A sour part of me doubts it. :P

NaBloPoMo Post #3

2011-11-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

My prompt for today was:

Can you listen to music and write? What kind of music did you listen to today?

I regularly listen to music as I am writing. It helps me to focus on what I am working on. When I am writing fiction, the music helps me to come up with scenes and characters. When I am working on non-fiction, the music helps me to put aside enough of my anxiety that I can actually write sentences with out compulsively checking for errors immediately after I finish. This makes my work flow a lot more smoothly. Today, I am listening to Gregorian Chant.

NaBloPoMo Post #2

2011-11-02T18:02:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting here at the end of the day unsure what to write in here. I have to do at least a paragraph or my conscience will gnaw at me. So, two sentences in and on the third, I still have no great brainstorm. Perhaps tomorrow will bring better inspiration.

NaBloPoMo Post #1

2011-11-01T09:21:00.001-07:00

So, it's officially November and the beginning of NaBloPoMo. (And NaNoWriMo, but I'm not participating in that this year.) Their prompt question for the day is:

What do you enjoy about writing?

I'm not really sure if I should run with that question or the writing prompt from The Artist's Way which is:

List three old enemies of your creative self worth. Please be as specific as possible in doing this exercise. Your historic monsters are the building blocks of your core negative beliefs. [...] It is always necessary to acknowledge creative injuries and grieve them. Otherwise, they become creative scar tissue and block your growth.

I'm not really sure where to begin with either of these. I haven't done my morning pages yet and feel a bit foggy at the moment. But I don't want to forget to write in here. I may just journal the writing prompt from The Artist's Way and try to come up with at least a paragraph for the other prompt.

I suppose what I enjoy the most about writing is the cathartic qualities it holds for me. Like my artwork, writing helps get some of the fears and doubts out of me. It can help me to clarify just what is bothering me. Which then allows me to process and work through it. Writing helps me to figure out how I am going to live with something unpleasant or to plan for something happy in the future. It is probably one of the most versatile tools I have at hand for coping with the world at large.

my head sux

2011-10-26T10:13:00.000-07:00

Short version, I've been struggling with Bi Polar II for a little over a year. (I was diagnosed this time last year. I've been dealing with it undiagnosed for a long time.) I've been sliding into a depressive episode and it disturbs me. I naively thought that the medication would make it where I would at worst get a little weepy or a bit cranky. Instead, those horrible self-demeaning thoughts are whirling around in my head, getting through the day is a struggle, and I'm extra sensitive to possible insults.

To be honest, I hate this and I'm more then a little bit afraid that what ever changes my psychiatrist makes to my medication later this week are just going to do nothing for my symptoms and leave me feeling like crap from the side effects. I'm nervous about the blood test he had done. I'm worried that the results will say that I'm utterly fucked up and hopeless. I don't know why, but I'm afraid that's what the results are going to show.

I'm tired of hiding my diagnosis. I'm learning to accept that there is no shame in it. If there is no shame in having diabetes then there's no shame in having bi polar. I don't like the fact that I've a laundry list of disorders that I am dealing with, but they're all interconnected. I have complex post traumatic stress disorder. I have a social phobia. And I have bi polar II with psychotic features (when I get extremely depressed, I start hearing voices). I'm afraid to go out and find other people like me. I'm terrified that they're going to reject me.

This, however, is something I need to just push through like I have to push through the feelings of shame at having to take medication. I am a good person and I deserve to be healthy. These are things that will help make me healthy.

Wall St. vs Main St. part 2

2011-10-16T13:30:00.000-07:00

As I started to say the other day, I believe that people are confusing the symptoms with the problem. We live with a government that is corrupt. It may not be as corrupt as the governments in other nations are, but it is still corrupt. The signs of corruption are fairly simple and it makes me disappointed to have to point them out. That said, here is what I identify as the signs of corruption:

A disconnect between legislation and the needs of the people
Heavy handed enforcement of arbitrary laws
Failure of the government to address grievances of the people
Greater focus upon propaganda distribution then upon dissemination of factual information about government activities (including but not limited to resistance of honoring citizen request for said information)
Tailoring of laws and statutes to the benefit of an elite few

Now, I recognize that a government will do what it can to perpetuate its existence and to gain greater power. This is just a natural consequence of human greed and the desire to create a secure and comfortable existence. Those who are in the positions of power will attempt to maintain those positions by any means that they can accomplish without upsetting the subordinates to the point where they will rise up against them.

I can fully empathize with the frustration of the Occupy Wall Street groups. There is something wrong with this country when people who were 10 years ago solidly in the middle class are now trying to get financial assistance to cover groceries. I could go on but I think that right there sums up the frustrations of the Occupy Wall Street group. The problem, however, is not the bankers or the corporations.

The problem is in the people who turn over authority for aspects of their lives to these people. When you surrender your financial health to the whims of the stock market, for example, you are going to find yourself unable to maintain it for an extended period of time at a status where you can competently meet your other needs. During the 1990s and the '00s, many people did this. During the same time period, people ceded their rights and personal liberties for the sake of perceived security. Was it a wholesale surrendering of rights? No, but enough was surrendered that I am not surprised by the actions of the NYC police force.

They believe that their activities are appropriate. Why? Because of the potential for rioting and other 'terrorist' like activities. What needs to happen is the people of the nation need to exert their will upon the government, we need to remind them that WE are the ones in charge. That they work for US.

Sadly, I fear this may require a measure of harsh activity. If people who are peaceably protesting continue to be met with a rough hand by the local law enforcement, they will eventually begin to push back. And that will not end pretty.

Infatuation vs. reality

2011-10-16T13:23:00.000-07:00

I had a heart to heart with Stormcrow last night. Stark reality is perhaps the harshest of things to face at times. I am happy for him. I was concerned with him being so alone down there. I truly am glad that he has found some one. I dearly hope that she treats him well because he deserves not only to be happy but to be treated like he is worth his weight in gold. Stormcrow is a truly amazing person.

I'm just having a little difficulty putting aside the infatuation that tangled me up over the last few weeks.

Songs and memory.

2011-10-15T15:33:00.001-07:00

I have fallen in love with a song. I confess a mild infatuation with Ingrid Michaelson. Her song The Chain is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things I have heard in a while. It is filled with such clarity of sound and lyric beauty only on the basis of the orchestration. Add to it the wonderful contralto voice of Ms. Michaelson and it is simply enrapturing.

Another song that I have been just enthralled with is filled with an almost fierce sense of vitality. Omina is a group that I stumbled onto and keep finding myself listening to with a mixture of awe and joy. Their song Alive! is another vivid piece of music that just leaves me breathless. It makes me want to get up and dance wildly. It has been a musical bit of medicine for my soul in the face of the crushing depression that rolls over me in waves.

In the midst of all this, I find myself thinking of when I heard Stormcrow sing for the first time. I hadn't expected a tenor voice. I don't know what I was expecting but the sweet, clear ringing quality that was in his voice just held me captivated. I find myself thinking of that moment with a measure of longing. There was no self consciousness or braggadocio. He was just simply singing the song as naturally as breathing. It was striking.

It makes me want to listen to him sing again.

Yule Project List

2011-10-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

This is a list to remind myself what I am currently working on. I may even note progress in here with addendums. That said, here is The List:

Sweater for Cuddle Bear X
Bigger Blankie for Snuggle Bug X (given early)
Bigger Blanket for Beloved (replaced w/ another item, store bought)
Crochet Klein Bottle Hat for Beloved's brother
Audrey II for Energizer Girl
Crochet fingerless gloves for Rocker Chick (X), Trouble 1 & 2, the Mischief Duo, and Mercy Girl
Loom Knit hats for Monster Girl, Cuddle Bear's best friend T and T's little brother
Beaded stitch markers for OnComingStorm
Crochet hook case & sweater pattern for StormWatcher
Crochet hook case for JBirdie
Sock weight yarn for J X
Amigurumi rabbit for Trouble 1 X
Amigurumi dog for Trouble 2
Amigurumi monster for Snuggle Bug

Of all this, I've the yarn finished, the sweater half done, and the increase in Snuggle Bug's blankie started.

I think I'm going to be busy.

Wall St. vs Main St. part 1

2011-10-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Just about everybody is giving their opinions on the Occupy Wall Street protest, it's daughter protests, and the counter protests. Some of the opinions are entertaining, some are thought provoking, and others are, to be honest, moronic. There are people screaming about class warfare. There is misbehavior by the NYC police and gallantry by members of the armed forces. It is a messy, leaderless group of people who have reached the crucial point of frustration and anger where they have moved beyond simply venting to taking action.

I say messy because there is no one strand unifying and thereby clarifying just what they're looking for. Oh, yes, there are some 'demands' floating around on the interwebz. There was the seed concept, which was to call upon the leaders in the political arena to separate themselves from the financial industry and similar corporate influencers of lawmakers. It has, however, grown beyond that seed concept into a free form movement.

Something that I have to say is that people are confusing the symptoms with the problem. Corruption in the government has a specific set of symptoms, in my opinion.

[I'll add more after my husband gets home from work, because the kids are up to mischief.]

NaNoWriMo?

2011-10-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to decide if I have the mental cohesion to attempt NaNoWriMo this year. It is something that I'd like to participate in again but I don't know if I should. Part of the challenge before me is finding the time to write. Part of the challenge is what to write. And the third part of the challenge is determining if I have enough time to do so in the face of working on Yule gifts. November is not only a big month for me writing wise with NaNoWriMo, it is a big month for me to finish up gifts for people.

I don't want to push myself too hard. I'm realizing that with my psychological challenges, I could be setting myself up for some real problems. Over exerting myself tends to set off my depressive episodes. I don't want to deal with that on top of everything else. We literally just got out from under some rather challenging constraints. I don't want to tempt fate and engender more. That is the absolute last thing I want to do right now.

I may do NaBloPoMo instead of NaNoWriMo this year. If I work on one of my fiction blogs, I can still say I'm doing something that could be worked towards a novel. It's something of a debate right now. Fortunately, I've got most of October to make my decision.

Struggling with depression.

2011-10-02T10:11:00.000-07:00

For the last several weeks, I've been having a rough time of it. I am having problems again with depression. The doctor has adjusted my medication and some of the more severe symptoms seem to have lifted. This, however, has been the primary reason why I haven't posted anything in here for a little while now. I shall, however, try to post something at least once a week. Even if it is a quick update as to what I've been doing with the kids.

Mexican Style Pasta Bake Recipe

2011-09-13T16:07:00.000-07:00

Posting this here for future reference & to share with friends. It actually came out pretty good.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

1 lb box of noodles (I used shells because that's what I had on hand. DO NOT PRE-COOK!)
1 qt jar of marinara pasta sauce (Rinse jar out with a 1/4 water, approx. and pour remnants in.)
1 qt jar of salsa (See above.)
1/2 lb shredded cheddar cheese
sour cream (to taste)

In an 11 x 7 x 2 in pan, pour pasta sauce and salsa. Mix together. Add box of noodles, stir together until noodles are coated. Top with shredded cheese. Bake at 350 deg F. for 1 hour. When serving, add a dollop of sour cream.

Prospero's Speech

2011-09-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

Now my charms are all o'erthrown,
And what strength I have's mine own,
Which is most faint: now, 'tis true,
I must be here confined by you,
Or sent to Naples. Let me not,
Since I have my dukedom got
And pardon'd the deceiver, dwell
In this bare island by your spell;
But release me from my bands
With the help of your good hands:
Gentle breath of yours my sails
Must fill, or else my project fails,
Which was to please. Now I want
Spirits to enforce, art to enchant,
And my ending is despair,
Unless I be relieved by prayer,
Which pierces so that it assaults
Mercy itself and frees all faults.
As you from crimes would pardon'd be,
Let your indulgence set me free

Listening to Loreena McKennitt's version and was enjoying it immensely tonight. Don't know why, but I've always loved Prospero's Speech. The Tempest wasn't one of my favorite Shakespearean plays but this was one of my favorite monologues of all time. It's a tie with Hamlet's soliloquy.

Knooking?

2011-09-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

I now am the proud owner of three knooking tools. I read about this technique of knitting with a crochet hook last week. I got so interested in it that when I saw the hooks for sale for a whopping $4.95 at wally world, I grabbed 'em. I resisted the urge to buy more yarn and forced myself to finish running my errand. When I got home, I was positively giddy to try out this technique that I had been reading about and watching video tutorials for the last several days.

I've been playing around idly with this wooden hook for the last few hours. It's like a cross between Tunisian crochet and regular crochet (when it come to technique). I'm still trying to perfect the tension with this, but I'm getting the basic knit stitch down. I did a few rows and discovered that I was somehow mixing knit and purl stitches. Thus, I ripped out and have been focusing only on knit right now. I figure once I get the knit stitches down that I'll take on how to intentionally do the purl stitches next.

My hunch was that I was going to really enjoy this. I have to confess, I may just put away the knitting looms and needles in favor of this thing. I've still got to finish that sock and the other projects, however. This, however, I think is going to turn into my favorite way to be making washcloths instead of regular crochet. Aside from that, I love using these wooden hooks. They feel WONDERFUL in my hands.

I honestly didn't expect that.

handcraft research

2011-08-27T10:17:00.001-07:00

Just slapping a few links up for me to return to later.

how to make your own crochet hook

how to make plarn

I'm in the midst of planning yule gifts. One of my nieces has already requested that I make her Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. To say the least, I'm going to be busy.

Ideas

2011-08-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

going to this site for a few ideas for yule. will add more later.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm pretty sure that Stargazer would have laughed when I told her I was planning on making some Yule gifts based in higher mathematical concepts. I've been interested in the Klein bottle hats. I saw a knit one and thought that it would be perfect to make for my brother in law. Then I realized that my knitting skills are not quite up to that level yet. At which point I found a crochet one.

And then I saw this hat and decided that I am going to have to make it for my son at some point in time. It's not really as math oriented as the other hats, but it was still a good find.

At some point, I want to make a Möbius scarf but I am having a hard time picking what pattern I want to use. I know that I'm not going to have the time to make up the DNA model this year. That, however, is alright because I am thinking that I'm going to make a scarf based on the Fibonacci sequence. I've made a few washcloths and an art piece (crochet for all of those), so I'm pretty sure the scarf will be a fairly straight forward thing.

changes...

2011-08-15T19:42:00.001-07:00

Feh! I just screwed around a little with the layout on here. Partly because I was bored and not desiring to go to bed just yet and partly because I was annoyed with it.

I'm now consigning it to the fates and wandering off to bed. If I'm lucky, I'll sleep well tonight despite my back.

I hate monday.

2011-08-15T19:23:00.001-07:00

I forgot that fact. Then today happened and I was reminded. The boys were just all out monsters for me. Jumping on the furniture was the least of my headaches. I found myself understanding why some animals eat their young.

I really hope that the weather allows the boys to get outside some tomorrow. If anything, I'll have them run laps around the house a few times or something to burn of some of this wild energy. Good Gods grant me strength and sanity. I love my children, I really do. But I spent a good portion of my day asking myself "What the hell was I thinking?"

You know what this means, of course, tomorrow they'll both be sweet as pie and well behaved.

...

Or did I just jinx myself? >.<

My Pride and Joy!

2011-08-14T12:44:00.000-07:00

To the left is a picture of my youngest son. He's the little guy affectionately known as Snuggle Bug. It has become something of an ironic nickname for him. He was a very cuddly baby at times. Snuggle time, however, happened only on his terms.

Now age two, he is my little holy terror. My FiL and I have jokingly called him a shark. As my FiL has said, he has two modes: go and stop. Snuggle Bug is a very active little guy and loves to do things full bore.

Currently, he is quite thrilled to be doing things like jumping on the couch or climbing everything we own. Snuggle Bug absolutely loves going to the park and playing on the swing. He has recently decided that he is going to start giving the slides a try. As such, he has been trying to climb up them like he sees the older children do. It has made for much silliness.

To the right is my eldest child, known as Cuddle Bug. True to his nickname, he is a little lover. This (like the picture above) is a picture that is several months old. His hair is not as long now and that outfit no longer fits. That, however, is the way things go with toddlers.

Cuddle Bear loves his little brother and does a lot to try to help me out with him. He is, also, a rather independent child who doesn't exactly enjoy having a little shadow. I remember trying to get away from my younger brothers much like he tries to get away from Snuggle Bug. It's not that easy.

Cuddle Bear adores the color purple and fire trucks. He is a quiet child with the beginnings of a deep love affair with books. I'm fairly certain that he will be the one I find hiding with a flashlight under the covers with a book.

Birthday shenanigans & thoughts.

2011-08-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we held a combined birthday party for Cuddle Bear and Snuggle Bug. The boys had a ball playing with balloons as we were waiting for the guests to arrive. Beloved had been nervous and worried that we hadn't enough food for everyone. I, however, was fairly confident that things were going to go fine (after a brief spate of social anxiety driven panic). The weather was beautiful and the park was just lovely.

As the guests arrived, it quickly became apparent that not everyone we had invited were able to make it. I was a little disappointed but I recognize that life will throw curve balls at us and it can be hard to do everything you want in a weekend. (This was a big change from the last time I tried to throw a party and quite a few of the guests were unable to come. Then I got rather upset and felt rejected. It wasn't fun at all.) Even with the smaller number of guests, we still had plenty of folks to eat up the goodies we had there. The rainbow colored goldfish crackers that my MiL brought were especially well liked by the kids.

When the time came for presents, it became obvious that I had hit one out of the park. The firetruck that I found at the thrift store as a last minute purchase was the favorite toy of both boys. Thank goodness that Beloved's brother brought a monster truck for Snuggle Bug. He headed off the screaming fit right at the pass. For a good while, the boys alternated between which truck they were playing with. All of the adults made a point of complementing them on their sharing of the toys.

Amusingly enough, the firetruck was such a big hit that the boys were at first indifferent to the big presents from Beloved's parents. Snuggle Bug, after a while, did finally start playing with his wagon. He seemed to really enjoy picking up gravel and dropping it into it. Then, with some coaxing, Cuddle Bear started to play with his tricycle. He wasn't as excited about it as we thought he would be. Then I remembered, Cuddle Bear gets to use one fairly regularly at preschool.

We had cake but no candles on it. Beloved and I thought it would just be a lot easier that way. We now have half of a sheet cake sitting in the kitchen. Cuddle Bear wanted to bring it down to his best friend, Ladybug* but the weather isn't exactly agreeable to walking down there. I am sure that Ladybug and Wort** will be equally delighted with sharing some cake tomorrow after school.

I was a fool and forgot my camera at home. Thus, there are no pictures of the party this year. I hope to get a good one of the boys playing with their newest toys later. Perhaps I'll get lucky and get a good picture of Cuddle Bear on his new tricycle tomorrow. I think the weather is supposed to be sunny and warm tomorrow. Today, it is raining. I'm not going to complain, however, because the drought still hasn't broken.

The rain we have gotten recently and my diligent watering has resulted in my tomato plant having more then just two tomatoes on it. I'm quite excited. The pepper plant seems to have finished flowering. If I'm lucky, it will have peppers on it soon as well. I am planning on bringing some of my fresh vegetables down to Ladybug and Wort's mother in the coming week. She's been ill and I think some homegrown produce would cheer her up. I may even bring some herbs down.

My marigolds seem to have recovered some from getting so terribly dried out recently. I've started to get blossoms on them. It is my hope to collect some and dry them for making an herbal tea later. The first few blossoms that I had harvested are currently being rained on because I forgot to bring them in. I hope that they'll dry out well for me in the sunny weather to come. I have been reading about how one can use marigold blossoms to dye fiber with a little bit of vinegar.

Some interesting articles about solar dying have had me seriously considering dying some of my fiber from my MiL with this technique. I may even go so far as to save some onion skins and some red cabbage to try dying with that as well. I have a few mason jars free and a gallon of vinegar. If it really is as simple as steeping it like sun tea, then I believe I am going to give it a shot. I like the idea of dying my own fiber with stuff that I have immediately at hand. I may have to do a little bit more reading before I give it a shot. Either way, I hope to get some pictures of this up once I get underway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

* Ladybug is Cuddle Bear's best friend from preschool. She's about a year older then him but they get along like two peas in a pod. Beloved and I got a chuckle out of the fact that they're best friends. That was how he and I started out. If we're at their wedding 20 something years later, Beloved will be informing them that I had predicted it (in jest).

** Wort (from the old middle English word for plant and the nickname for Arthur in Disney's The Sword in the Stone) is Ladybug's little brother. He's five days younger then Cuddle Bug. He and Cuddle Bug play together regularly. Both boys seem to be becoming fast friends as well. It is something that their mother and I would like to encourage.

It's called Separation of Church and State, moron!

2011-08-06T14:30:00.001-07:00

I don't generally pay much attention to the Christian Science Monitor. There was something about their article about Texas Governor Rick Perry that caught my eye. So, I sat down and read the article. I was fully prepared for someone to be softening his very 'conservative' views in an attempt to make him more palatable to others. I was prepared for a bias in his favor because he is a highly visible and politically well connected individual who supports the aggressively evangelical face of the Christian faith in the United States. Thus prepared, I read the article and my jaw hit the floor.

I then did a little digging to see if they were actually sugar coating just how far to the 'Right' he was. Then I read what Forbes had to say about him and this prayer rally that went on today. I read the official 'about Rick Perry' page, the Wikipedia entry, and several other pages (including his Facebook page). As I learned more about the man, the more disturbing the idea of his having influence over a state, let alone on a national level, became.

Sure, he has done some impressive things. He's got a squeaky clean image and the camera seems to love him. His positions on economic matters are interesting. This, however, doesn't make up for the fact that he endorses the concepts espoused by the American Family Association of Tupelo and similar organizations:

The protections of the First Amendment apply solely to Christians.
Homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation.
Abortion should be illegal.

I could go on, but these are the three big turnoff's for me. The protections of the First Amendment are inviolate and extend to all citizens of the United States regardless of their religious affiliation. Any movements to some how curtail this should be regarded with great resistance. It is the First Amendment that makes our nation great. I'm not saying we're perfect, but the fact that you can, among other things, speak your mind freely and practice your religion freely is a strength.

I highly object to the argument that homosexuality is a moral threat to the nation. Homosexuality has been around for a very, very long time. The idea that it is suddenly this new threat is preposterous. Among the minds that lead to the development of this nation, were most undoubtedly homosexuals. Their sexual orientation didn't undermine the establishment of this nation. It's pretty safe to assume that there's a percentage of the population who fought to establish and maintain this nation through out history were homosexuals.

I think it's safe to say that homosexuality is a non-issue on the matter of the welfare of the nation. Logic aside, the argument of moral threats to the nation should be suspended. Why? Because moral issues are religious issues. Please, refer back to the First Amendment on this issue if you need to have that position of mine clarified. It's pretty simple.

Abortion is not the problem. It has been made out to be the problem when the majority of abortions are performed for medical reasons. As a matter of course, the idea of abortion for the sake of birth control is not going to be the preferred method, unlike what many of the anti-abortion folks insist. Making the medical procedure illegal returns us to where women are at an increased risk of dying during pregnancy. Depending on how the law is phrased, a naturally occurring miscarriage can be illegal.

As a woman who has six miscarriages, I take great offense at this prospect. The idea that a woman who has already been traumatized by the loss of her child could then be facing murder charges sets my blood boiling. Unfortunately, the anti-abortion groups that have the strongest lobbing presence support laws that would criminalize women like myself. The medical community doesn't fully understand why miscarriages happen. To take something nebulous like that and criminalize it sets the precedent for greater injustices for the sake of the 'social conscience.'

I am dearly hoping that Rick Perry is just a flash in the pan. If, by some weird happenstance, he does prove to be the Republican candidate, I'll be one of the folks doing their best to get people NOT to vote for him. People like that, who regard the Constitution as applying only to them, are dangerous. It's only a small ideological jump to fascism.

Blessed First Harvest!

2011-08-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

I'm still in pain from my fall back in early June. The muscle relaxant that the doctor prescribed for me isn't doing much to help. It makes things like weeding the garden difficult. After a long day, I must admit, it is something that tends to slip by the wayside. Still, I do what I can and keep my hopes up for rain. We're currently in the middle of a rather wicked drought, you see.

I didn't let that stop me from harvesting a little bit of my home grown produce. My pepper plant has put out only one pepper thus far. It was quite small but exceptionally flavorful. I used half of it in my macaroni salad that we had for dinner tonight. I also harvested a bit of basil and some of the nasturtium leaves. I chopped those up fairly fine and tossed them into the salad too. It was just as pleasurable to eat as it was to make.

I'll slap up the recipe at the end of this post. I tried to make it through the day with out any soda. I failed horribly. I'm realizing, however, that I get the desire to have some when I get stressed out. It has become (or has been and I didn't realize it) a coping mechanism. To say the least, I need to replace that with something that is kinder to my waistline. I am going to attempt an experiment of sorts with my force of will.

When I desire a cold glass of soda, I am going to replace it with a glass of water. I figure since I have a fair amount of lemon balm (which is doing beautifully despite the drought), I can start adding a few bruised leaves to my water. Aside from that, I'm going to resume adhering to the little amusing expression: keep calm and have a cup of tea. It is my hope that my will shall hold out and I can break this soda habit.

As my daily walking has been curtailed significantly by my injury, I need to cut calories where I can with out doing too much harm to myself. I don't want to get back down to being about 110 lbs. That was a dangerously unhealthy weight for me to be at and I have decided that I never want to be that skinny again. When I was walking about four miles a day and living on a fairly lean diet, I got to be about 150 lbs. I don't think I had ever felt healthier then I did at that weight.

It is a rather enormous thing that I have done just by way of walking and portion control. This time last year, my weight was up to 280 lbs. It was due to a combination of stress eating, medication side effects, and a somewhat sedentary lifestyle. Depression really takes a huge bite out of your energy and stamina for pretty much any form of exercise. Since then, I have dropped down to 195. I have been exercising fairly regularly.

I was attempting to get 8 miles of walking in each week. I had been making pretty good progress on that up until I fell out in the garden. Now I get roughly four miles in each week by walking down to get Cuddle Bear from the bus stop. I want to get more walking in, but right now it's painful. At times, my leg will even go numb. My Father-in-Law suggested that perhaps I had pinched a nerve when I fell. Given that the Tylenol isn't doing much for the pain and the muscle relaxant isn't helping either, I suspect he is right. Thankfully, the doctor is confident that I didn't break anything when I fell. Thank goodness for small mercies, right?

Well, I'm running out of stuff to ramble about right now. I'll slap that recipe up.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Macaroni Salad (quick version)
Ingredients

2 1/2 cups cooked macaroni (or other small pasta)
1/2 small bell pepper (diced)
1/4 bag of frozen mixed vegetables
1 cup whipped salad dressing (or mayo)
3 nasturtium leaves (shredded fine)
4 sweet Italian basil leaves (shredded fine)

Step 1: Cook pasta.
Step 2: Place colander in sink with frozen vegetables in it.
Step 3: Pour pasta and water into colander, rinse with cool/tepid water.
Step 4: Toss pasta and vegetable mixture to make sure vegetables are thawed.
Step 5: Transfer pasta and vegetable mixture to a large bowl.
Step 6: Add bell pepper, nasturtium leaves, and basil.
Step 7: Add salad dressing and mix together well. Make sure all of the salad is evenly coated.
Step 8: Chill for 15 min in the refrigerator.
Step 9: Serve!

evening shadows

2011-07-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

My good friend ArtCat did an excellent job of describing PTSD. He said:

PTSD is like a hydra. If you do things piecemeal, you may resolve one symptom but two more will pop up in its place (or it will return twice as bad as before). You need to strike at the root and work through the fundamental issue in and of itself. Everything else should be taken in context of that.

I... I have a hard time with my cPTSD when I reach the end of the day. Beloved pointed it out to me the other day and it's been rattling around in my brain. At the end of the day, I run out of things to distract me from my disorder. I find my emotional reserves are fairly close to tapped out and I dread going to sleep. Even with my medications, nightmares will come fairly regularly. They just don't have the same kind of effect on me that they did before.

I suffer from emotional flashbacks on a daily basis. I haven't the slightest idea what is triggering them. This upsets me greatly. I just want to get to the root of this latest go on the hellish merry-go-round. I want to face this stuff down and move on as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, it's simply not that easy.

I sit here, trying to figure out what more to write. I don't know why I'm posting this here, even. I guess it's just to get it out and off my chest. I want to cry. At the same time, another part of me decries it as a sign of weakness, which must never be allowed. I feel confused, hurt, and alone. I don't know why. It's terrible to feel this way because I don't know what set it off.

Science is getting interesting.

2011-07-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I read this really interesting story about how scientists grew and then successfully implanted an organ into a person using their own tissues. I thought that was really exciting news. I knew that nanotechnology was getting applied in various interesting ways throughout various industries. What I didn't know was how far advanced it had gotten in the medicine sector until I read that article.

I have a friend who had to have a double lung transplant almost two years ago. I immediately pointed this article out to him. We both agreed that it was pretty amazing. The idea that medicine has advanced far enough that we could theoretically grow a new, healthy version of an organ that was diseased and failing was something that just struck us as wonderful.

Granted, we're both of a mind to watch these developments carefully. Organ transplants are notoriously tricky and the risk of rejection is always high. The proof of success in this case is going to be a bit down the road.

But then I stumbled on to this article and I was just left in shock. It was only a few years ago that the idea of regrowing a fingertip was science fiction. To see evidence that it has been done just left me in awe. What is going to be next?

Obligitory Casey Anthony post.

2011-07-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

As a person who reads the news and occasionally blogs about it, I suppose I must put in my two pennies worth on the subject of the Casey Anthony fiasco. Fiasco really is an understatement. I think train wreck may be a better way of describing it. It was a disaster from the beginning.

One may ask, why I think it was a disaster from day one. My answer is really simple, the media sensationalized the living hell out of it. Imagine if this case unfolded and the mother wasn't involved beyond misreporting a missing child. There wouldn't be half as many people screaming for blood as there are today. Let's take this little thought experiment a bit farther. Let's imagine if the person involved was an acquaintance of the family. The number of people screaming for that person's blood would drop off exponentially.

In my opinion, the first thing that judge should have done was bar the media from the courtroom. I think it should be a standard practice in any and all high profile cases. This should be as routine as sequestering jurors. Did the district attorney botch their case? Probably. Is Casey Anthony guilty? I don't know.

There's a chance that she is guilty as hell. That doesn't matter in the eyes of the law, however, because a jury of her peers found her innocent. Yes, a terrible thing happened to a little girl. The injustice of it smarts because we can't pin the crime on any one person's head and exact some form of vengeance, because let's face it that's what people are looking for with the death penalty.

That doesn't mean that we automatically criminalize parents who don't know immediately if their child's missing. Older children are harder to keep track of then younger children because they're much more independent. Guess what, that means that little Suzie may be spending the night at her friend's place and if she and her friend get lost while they're out doing stuff, Suzie's parents aren't going to know until at least 24 hours later.

I'm not a big fan of that sensationalist rag the Huffington Post. At times, however, they have good articles. This article does a better job then I can illustrating why we shouldn't jump to knee jerk conclusions and start changing/writing laws in the heat of populist passion. Cases like that of Casey Anthony and O.J. Simpson are rare. Writing laws that affect everyone because of things that happen in these outlier cases is bad policy.

The Roman philosopher and statesman Marcus Tullius Cicero said it best:

The more laws, the less justice.

Gentler sex? My German ass.

2011-06-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Any one who argues that women are incapable of evil or some similar nonsense on the basis of their gender is a moron of the first caliber. I read about a Rwandan woman in the news today and I was beyond disgusted. A former minister, this woman ordered the execution of helpless refugees and the rape of many women and girls. Why, one asks? Because they Tutsis and she was part of the Hutu government who felt that this minority were subhuman.

Life in prison is far too humane for this woman. A slow death with great pain and the erosion of her sense of dignity is far too kind even. I don't know what an appropriate punishment is for someone who orders the genocide of another people or the systematic sexual torture of others. Anyone who claims that knowledge of Christian values serves to prevent barbarism is willfully ignorant of cases like this.

Ranting again.

2011-06-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

This time, it's not people from Facebook in my sights. It's an acquaintance of mine. I can recognize that disability takes a heavy toll. As some one who has been diagnosed as disabled myself after *decades* of being undiagnosed, I fully comprehend just how difficult it is to move forward in life despite it. Disability, however, doesn't serve as a blank check to get you out of being a responsible adult. Having a marriage that is on the rocks doesn't excuse being a self absorbed, immature 'brat'.

An active and inquisitive child does not make them a brat, neither does their age. Brat is not a term of endearment. It's an insult and it means that the child is spoiled, irresponsible, and unmannered. Sounds more like the parent then the child, in my stated opinion.

I don't like you. I pity you because you seem to lack the intellectual ability to behave as an adult. I out grew the childish behavior that you regularly indulge in when I was in my early teens. You're almost forty, it's well past time you grew up. One of these days, I'm going to tell you exactly what I think of you, your husband, and both of your behavior. It seems like the only one who has something going on upstairs is the child and the inmates are running the asylum.

Rambling in the garden.

2011-06-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

I have a bit of a garden going. It isn't all in one spot but that doesn't really matter. It's now been almost a month now that I have been working at this. I'm learning a fair amount as I go along. Among the first things I think I can say I have learned is that I prefer gardening alone to having help. It is a relaxing, meditative, prayerful act that helps to center me in the face of my constant anxiety.

I have also discovered that I get cranky if I go too long with out having some kind of interaction with my plants. I am concerned that some of the seeds I have planted won't come up. It was something of a disappointment to realize that I worried about the plants. It made that bitter critic in me mutter 'as if you didn't have enough to worry about...' That was a rather hurtful moment. The other was when I discovered that my miniature rosebushes just are not going to bloom more. I am holding out hope that there will be additional future blooms, but I have a bad feeling they may just be done for the season.

It has been one of the areas in my life that is relatively untouched by my creative block. I suppose that is because the plants I am growing are all fairly hardy and tend to take care of themselves to some extent. I just need to water them and weed. I don't have to put myself much more on the proverbial line then that. For a little bit of time, I am being rewarded with an abundance of fresh herbs to cook with, healthy tomato and pepper plants, and (soon) fresh strawberries. Now I just have to be patient enough to let the flowers come up.

On writing, knitting, & other art projects

2011-06-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a grueling week for me artistically speaking. The only form of artwork that hasn't been semi-painful to endure is my knitting. I've been forcing myself to write. It hasn't been fun in any sense of the word. The morning pages feel like they're filled with epic failure and minutia that really shouldn't be penned.

The Sanctuary manuscript only has a handful of pages added to it. Most of them are just flat and have been excruciating to write. It's funny, according to the word count, I have it finished. That's how I won NaNoWriMo. The story, however, isn't done. I still need to find a way to marry the work I have typed on the computer with what I have hand written in a note book. I haven't even fleshed out the scenes that I barely put to paper in something of an outline.

I'm struggling with an enormous sense of apathy and creative drought (Julia Cameron really hit the nail on the head with coming up with that expression) in my textile arts. The knitting is like a band-aid. My crochet washcloth book is languishing for want of writing down patterns.

My loom is idle. I have it warped but I just can't muster up the emotional effort to sit down and weave. I can't seem to figure out what I want to even use for my weft here. I used my handspun purple merino to warp it. I adore the color but now... I can't figure out what I want to use to weave. A part of me says I have to use wool while another part says I need to just grab what ever I have on hand and start throwing the shuttle.

Some how, my sketch book has gone missing. The project room ate it, I think. I have been mourning the loss of that particular item, though I haven't felt particularly pressured to draw or paint. I feel pretty bad about the fact that I haven't been painting. I just can't get past this enormous sense of failure. I don't know why I feel like a failure in my painting, but I do.

It all comes together in this black morass of misery. The morning pages, I suppose, are like my lifeline or something. I'd prefer a golden thread to help me get out of this labyrinth of a block, to be honest.

Ramblings

2011-06-17T11:05:00.000-07:00

Snuggle-Bug is sitting on my lap as I type this and we're listening to Pollywog In A Bog. We like the Barenaked Ladies' album Snacktime. The boys really enjoy the songs and will dance around the living room to them. Hubby enjoys this one too - Drawing. The album is full of a lot of fun music and BNL has a great sense of humor. We had enjoyed BNL in high school when were first introduced to their work. As time goes on and we explore their work, we just find more reasons to love this group.

I was just stunned by the news today...

2011-06-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Really, I was utterly shocked when I read this article from Reuters. Scientists have proven that formaldehyde is bad for you. Not just kinda icky, but really bad for you. I am in awe and horror.

How was the sarcasm? Did I do a good job? Did I fool you? ... No? Yeah, I wouldn't have believed me either. Don't feel bad. Get ready, kids, here comes the rant!

Ok, I'm going to make an assumption here that a large majority of my readers are in the USA and have (or will have) taken a high school biology class. And in something like 95% of those biology classes around the country, you are required to do a dissection. It may be of worms, fetal pigs, frogs, or even fluffy the cat. In most of those cases, the critter to be chopped up is preserved in ... (wait for it!) ... FORMALDEHYDE!

Now, maybe it's just me and my redneck-hillbilly ideas, but if they use it to PRESERVE DEAD THINGS, it might not be such a good thing to consume. We drink alcohol. Too much alcohol is bad for you. We eat stuff with salt in/on it. Too much salt is bad for you. We consume foods with tannic acid in it. You know what I'm going to say next, so I'll spare you the obvious statement. Now, small amounts of alcohol, salt, or tannic acid won't kill you. That's why we can drink wine, eat our salt coated french fries, or have that cup of tea and NOT die.

When you look at compounds like formaldehyde, one glaring thing REALLY stands out. It is a POISON. Every container you find of the substance tells you NOT to consume it. Don't drink, eat, or breathe the fume. It is BAD for you. Who in the nine hells do you expect really wants to have some formaldehyde on the side of their meal? Last I checked, it wasn't the new monosodium glutamate (aka MSG) that you sprinkled on everything to make it more flavorful by tricking your taste buds and subsequently becoming addicted to it.

Oh... wait... I wasn't supposed to mention that bit about MSG. Oops. ... *Shifty Eyes* We'll just keep that little secret between us, ok? *Winks*

Back to the rant... Anybody who has been in high school biology most likely remembers the strict admonishments of their teachers not to smell, taste, or otherwise consume their experiment. Just a ... well, a little suspicion here... If a substance is OBVIOUSLY poisonous, it's probably safe to assume it's going to have a laundry list of other REALLY bad effects on the body. If you're lucky, cancer is the least of them.

It wasn't just the Visigoths who did in the Romans. It was the lead pipes too. Trace amounts of lead in the water resulted in lead poisoning. Lead poisoning is BAD. It screws up your brain. So... perhaps we're dealing with some of the modern version of lead pipes for Rome. Just a theory, mind you. Honestly, are we supposed to be shocked and hail this "discovery" as some earth shattering news? It's fucking formaldehyde, people.

Pardon me, I'm going to go look for my nearest source of lead and drink up. I obviously am functioning at too high of a brain power for my country because I didn't need this discovery to tell me that a poison is bad for me.

Space Race part 2?

2011-05-24T16:30:00.000-07:00

I read an article stating that NASA is going to use a vehicle from Lockheed for future missions. Reading the article over and the oblique statement that NASA is considering manned missions deeper into space, I was struck by two things. The first was that the process by which a man (or woman) is launched into space hasn't really changed all that much over the years. You put them into a small orbiter and strap 'em to a *BIG* rocket. Then you pray it doesn't blow up on the launch pad or have some other catastrophic failure.

For some reason, I thought we'd get farther in our efforts to explore space more efficiently. Reusable orbiters are awesome, don't get me wrong. I thought that was one of the more awesome aspects to the space shuttle. But... I don't know how to phrase it. I was struck with some kind of hope that with the X prize and the research being done in various private sectors (who are all in a bidding war for the next 'space shuttle' nod from NASA) that somebody would possibly develop a better launch system.

The second thing that occurred to me was just how deep into space are they talking about going? Science fiction has dreamed of interstellar and intergalactic travel. Parsecs ticked off like miles on the odometer, and such. Is it a dream or a nightmare that our government who can't manage to figure out how to keep the roads in decent repair is planning their next proverbial moon shot and talking about deep space? I can't shake the image of Hal losing it's marbles. Something about this talk of deep space exploration strikes me as unnerving, but I can't quite place my finger on it.

Rambling thoughts.

2011-05-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what to write here. It's been ... Well, it's been quite a while since I've sat down and posted in here. I feel inadequate right now. I think it's just a passing thing, however. It's been a long day.

Cuddle-Bear (my eldest) is starting preschool. We've gone in for a few hours over the last several days. He's taking to it very well. They're talking about transferring his speech therapy and occupational therapy to being done at the preschool in the fall. I'm trying hard not to be nervous about this.

He's improved a lot over the last several months with the speech therapy. We're getting actual sentences out of him where it was before one word responses. He's beginning to show some improvement with his diction and pronunciation. His vocabulary is just blooming beautifully as well.

We've only just started the occupational therapy. (As in, last week was his first session.) I really don't understand what all of it is about. The gal who is his therapist says that a big part of what they're going to be working on is sensory processing. She says that will help him get past things like his utter terror of the vacuum cleaner. I really want to see him succeed, and if this is what's needed, then so be it.

Snuggle-Bug is teething, again. And this child... oh good goddess, he's a handful. I didn't realize how much we were spoiled with Cuddle-Bear until Snuggle-Bug started getting into mischief. He's 18 months going on 3, I swear. One of Snuggle-Bug's favorite things to do, right now, is to climb on the furniture and stand up.

It'd be one thing if the furniture he chose to do this was stationary. The desk chair at Beloved's desk, however, is most certainly NOT. This resulted in a tumble this morning, which I think upset his Grandpa more then it upset him. The boy's also been eying the bookcases with interest. I think I'm going to have a lot more gray hair by the time we get done with this phase.

And then there was Snuggle-Bug's newest trick. Since he's teething, his nose has been a bit runny. Sometime today, Snuggle-Bug discovered he could blow snot out of his nose. It resulted in laughter from Cuddle-Bear and great disgust from Grandma and I. He kept doing it and I think we must have gone through at least half a box of tissues. I'd say my feelings on this 'accomplishment' can be summed up in one word: EW!

Beloved's birthday is tomorrow. I gave him his presents early. I made him hypnotoad and camo ninja. Camo ninja comes from the movie Ninja Terminator. It was his birthday present a few years ago. Hilariously bad kung fu movie; if you need a laugh, watch it. Hypnotoad is hypnotoad. I'll be posting the patterns for these up soon.

I'm not sure what else to add. I guess that's it for today.

Facebook ranting.

2011-04-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Hubby pointed out that the 'Facebook activisim' is ridiculous. I took it a step farther and called it activism for cowards. I suspect that offended a few people. To be honest, I kinda hope it did. I can't stand the idea that spamming your friends (a few hundred people) with the same bullshit status multiple times with the request that they spam people on their list is some how socially acceptable.

It's like chain letters. I absolutely abhor chain letters. I have since I was a kid. The idea that not sending it on to five other (or what ever the random number generated is) will bring you bad luck or some other misfortune is as laughable as the idea that it will bring good luck. With the popularity of social networking sites, I suppose the chain letter phenomenon was going to catch up to there as well. The whole concept disgusts and infuriates me especially when it comes to matters of social responsibility.

If you feel strongly about an issue (such as child abuse) and you want to do something about it, get off your misbegotten ass. Spamming people or sending chain letters is a pathetic attempt to placate one's sense of social responsibility with no effort. It's a lot like just praying for someone who is unable to put food on their table. Prayer by itself may be powerful but it's nothing compared to prayer supported by action, such as helping that person to get a hold of their local food pantry.

Waving your internet sign from your internet soapbox will be useless unless you have some real action to support it. You may not be able to go march in the streets but there's always *something* that can be done, even by one person who is flat broke. There's an old expression, God helps he who helps himself. It means get off your lazy ass and do something about the problem.

Blog Reboot Coming Soon!

2011-03-13T11:45:00.000-07:00

Hi folks!

I haven't written in here in a while. I'm going to be completely rebooting this thing. New format and such. I expect to have that done in about a week. Soo... if you have any favorites to read, read 'em quick. They're going to be getting filed away soon.

One month down, eleven to go.

2010-10-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

It's been a little while since I posted in here. Part of the reason why I have been delinquent in my posting is because I've been rather busy trying to get the chaos of the house under some semblance of order. Part of the reason is the questionable fun of motherhood and the true fun of motherhood (puking babies are the former, walking babies chasing falling leave are the latter). And finally, I've been unsure what to post here that would not be damning. It's been ... difficult and I have been giving it a lot of thought.

Nothing hidden on the Internet can say hidden forever. I can only hide my identity so well before I am ferreted out by some truly diligent soul. There are legal ramifications of my nervous breakdown that I hadn't expected in a million years. Ramifications that force me to consider what to write down where and who I talk to about what. And I don't like it.

Mental illness is not a crime. Asking for help when struggling with mental illness is not a criminal act. I, however, am being treated like a criminal. Sure, you can say that all of the constraints that I am under are for the sake of protecting the children but it's a lie. Why is it a lie? Because of one simple fact, the entire case against me is built upon a tissue of lies, cherry-picking evidence for the most alarming details, and conveniently omitted facts. This is how the government operates, folks.

I made the mistake that my good friend did and here I am caught up in the gears of this thing. I'm told that because large sections of the stuff I'm dealing with are boiler-plate details, not anything personal, that I should be thankful that is all I have to deal with. I'm sorry, but I can not swallow my outrage and hold still for the proceedings while they have me over a barrel, and then say 'Thank you, sir, may I have another?'

Mental illness should be treated like any other illness. Just because a person is ill doesn't mean they are neglecting their children. It doesn't necessarily make them a danger to their family and loved ones. When medication is working correctly and all therapeutic avenues are clearly progressing as they should be, there is no reason to black ball the person who is ill. Yet, here I am, being the person with the Black Spot and all for the sake of what, the appeasement of the sense of horror that was felt by some people who were squeamish in the face of suicidal depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.

If that little glimpse into my world made them quail in terror, they should try living it. They should try dealing with the pain of the past and the effort it take everyday to get thru it. Everyday, I have the silent prayer that my PTSD will not rear it's ugly head. Everyday, I have the silent prayer that my depression will not rob me of the joy of my children's early childhood. Everyday, I struggle forward and do my damnedest to keep these proverbial monsters from overshadowing my family. I can't afford to have a bad flashback because it will scare my children.

Now, I can't afford to have a bad flashback because these lily liveried bureaucrats will see it as evidence that I am incapacitated in some fashion and unable to care for my children. I have been dealing with this from before my kids were born. I was a productive and reasonable member of society prior to this nervous breakdown. I was a productive and reasonable member of society prior to having children. Now, I'm being told that I am a danger but not enough of a danger to lock away. That kind of back handed bullshit I grew up with, it hurts like hell. I'm not going to tolerate it anymore.

I'll mind my Ps and Qs. I'll bide my time. Justice is on my side and when it is time, I'm going to show these people just how big of a mistake it was to piss in my cornflakes.

Update

2010-09-05T06:12:00.001-07:00

For a brief time, I suppose I could say that I truly did lose my mind. A few weeks ago, I got home from an approximately month long stay at the hospital for a nervous breakdown. I'm doing much better and my medications are helping a lot. It was, however, one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had in my life. I'm not exactly of a mind to talk about it here, but it is enough to say that the Psych ward was the exact opposite of what I expected and I obviously survived the experience.

One of the results of my stay at the hospital was an almost literal explosion of artwork. I'm finishing projects left and right even as I have been working on filling two books with sketches. I have decided to start selling my art work on Etsy and I will be posting links to it. I could argue that I have acquired a new totem as well - the butterfly. The butterfly, the phoenix, the cat, and the raven were all quite present for me as I was working thru my efforts at the hospital.

Images of the four popped up quite frequently and I found myself contemplating them very often. The butterfly and the phoenix are symbols of radical transformation. The cat is a symbol of independence, healing, and protection. The raven is a symbol of introspection, courage, and self-knowledge. The four, together, represent a great deal of who and what I am. Additional meanings, as I read about them, have been most illuminating.

I suspect as time goes on, I'm going to find more and more about these totems to be true about the situation I've been living in. Interestingly, the cat is a symbol of the Norse goddess Freja, who has been quite present in my dreams, as well as of Frigga. The raven represents Odin, who has been very present as well. I'm not entirely sure why I have been having so many dreams focused upon the Teutonic aspect of my heritage.

I think it may be because I'm in the midst of redefining how I approach my heritage. I am redefining my relationship with my side of the extended family and how I approach my memories. It has been difficult but it has also been necessary, thus I do so. I'm not sure what else to add. I'll probably think of more later.

Project notes, ramblings, etc.

2010-07-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

I've been busy with fiber recently. I haven't spun up any new yarn, though I do have some wool that I'm in the midst of carding. The scarf that I'm knitting for Beloved is progressing well. The same is true for the blanket that I'm making for a friend of mine. It may be done before September, thus freeing up time to make some different items for Yule then I was considering.

I made up a 'prayer shawl' for myself last month. It was an effort to soothe my anxiety and I suppose it did to some good. When I wear or hold it, it does help ease my anxiety. It is something that I've decided I'm going to be wearing when I meditate, which I really do need to do more often. I just finished a second one for a friend of mine's mother. It's done up in the lovely purple yarn that my Mother-In-Law gave me for Mother's day. I still have a bunch of that yarn that needs to be wound up into balls. I think I used about a third of what she gave me. I'm undecided for what to do with the rest of that lavender colored yarn, but I'll figure something out. I'm definately going to make something for myself with it, however.

And then there's the 'art' piece that I'm making. I have some red lace weight cotton thread that I'm crocheting up into a very large granny square. It is to be a wall hanging. At the top and bottom will be dowels to hold it straight. Along the bottom will also be tassels, I'm undecided if they're going to be in red as well or if there will be beads. I'm considering if I want to weave a bit of gold colored thread into this when it is finished or not. I do know that I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with it when it is done.

I started work on this and knew already what the project was going to be titled: Penelope. The myth of the Odyssey has been coming to mind a lot over the last several months as I've been doing stuff with fiber so I decided I'd make something. As I am still having some difficulty with my loom, I decided that I'd crochet this. Initially, I was thinking about weaving something but I changed my mind because of ... technical difficulties.

Oiy! 2 months?!?

2010-06-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

I've been busy over the last several months. Mainly in coping with depression thru the wonder of modern medicine, producing or working on producing lots and lots of fiber art, and attempting to keep up with two very active little kids. Beloved has taught me how to upload pictures from the camera to the computer. This means that it's only a few small steps to adding pictures.

I'll be adding them later because I'm a little to tired to figure out how to beat this business into submission. :P

Oiy, time flies.

2010-03-21T06:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I suppose I should briefly give the rundown of what's been going on over the last few weeks. I'm still depressed but I'm now seeing a counselor. My second appointment is tomorrow and on the 29th I'll be meeting with a psychiatrist to determine if the medication I'm on is correct for my condition. I'm not really looking forward to either appointment, but they're something of a necessary evil right now. Between my problems with daily flashbacks, difficulty sleeping, and deep depression that frequently tends towards feeling suicidal, I can't just say that I'll tough this out.

I've been writing J- when I'm not feeling terribly inadequate about it. I don't know why it's been making me feel that way, I think it's another manifestation of my depression and some of the social anxiety I'm struggling with right now. To say the least, he's going to be getting a moderately sized stack of letters from me with the various attempts to write a story for him in there as well as the various other half finished letters I wrote. I think he'll be relieved to read that I am seeing a counselor.

I did a little more with the Tunisian Crochet. I made a vest for Cuddle-Bear in this fairly nice commercially made yarn. It's a sport weight yarn in a lovely chocolate brown color. It suits him fairly well. I still need to put some buttons on it, but he already loves it. I think the fact that he decided to try to wear it as a hat could have been among the most hilarious parts of the whole deal in giving it to him. I'm now attempting to learn how to do entrelac with the Tunisian Crochet hook. I think I can truly say that I am a masochist because this is driving me crazy. I keep trying but it's just not coming out right yet and this is after almost two weeks of effort. Rome wasn't built in a day and such, but good grief I know I'm smart enough to figure this out.

I am spinning up more yarn of my own. My mother in law gave me a bunch of her remnants to use towards my big project for Beloved. His scarf is coming right along. I'm using a pair of large knitting needles on this so that the scarf will be quite warm. As it stands, it's going to be pretty wide and I'm fairly sure this thing is going to be... painful to look at long before I reach the point of being half finished. Already, there is a lot of internal clashing of colors. Washing and blocking this thing will be an adventure because it's a combination of several different kinds of yarn. Commercially made, hand made, synthetic, natural, and what feels like everything in between is going into this thing. I'm fairly sure he'll wear it with great pride.

My mother in law took me out to a meeting of the Genesee Valley Spinner's Guild yesterday up in Victor, NY. They are a lovely bunch of people and if I wasn't so caught up in my social anxiety, I think I'd have had more conversations then I did. She brought along some roving for me to spin if I ran out of what I brought with me. It was a good thing she brought it because I did. One of the two batches of roving was absolutely charming. It had a really lovely feel to it and the dye job was fun. Looking at it, all I could think of was a watermelon.

As such, I'm calling the chunky yarn that I made by that name. I'm going to be saving a snippet of it in my scrap book and writing a note about how it was to spin. She didn't tell me what kind of wool it was from but my guess from how it felt in my hand was that it was Merino. She also gave me some really fun and heavier wool roving that has a blend of red, indigo, and dark gray to it. I'm spinning that up into a chunky yarn. The colors of that reminds me of a fading sunset. So I may call that yarn by that name too. I figure if the professionals get to name their yarns, I can do the same too!

I'm taking the proverbial miles of yarn that I have sitting here which is handspun (by myself and others) and I'm going to be turning it into a blanket for a friend of mine. I was trying to get others together to help me make a quilt but that project rather stalled out. So, I'm going to be doing it on my own. Rather then making two big quilts this year, I'm only going to make one and I'm going to crochet the other blanket. I will be making a crib quilt for Snuggle-Bug because I didn't make him one last year. Cuddle-Bear still loves his though he has clearly out grown it. I'm considering making him a patchwork afghan for the toddler bed he's going to be getting soon. I am still debating on that project. I don't want to take on too many things right now.

One of my maternal aunts has a charity project that she is involved with in donating teddy bears to needy children. I'm going to be making a few and donating them up here in memory of my late cousin Matthew. I was going to send them down to her but she wants me to donate them up here in her son's memory. I am thinking that I should also make up some hats or blankets to donate for the babies at the hospital too. I really felt good about giving that blanket to the gal who had nobody there for her when she was at the hospital to have her baby.

Apparently she didn't have a baby shower or anything, the father of the baby left her, and she was all alone as she sat there laboring. My heart was breaking for her and rather then just sitting there feeling badly, I gave her the baby blanket I had just finished making with yarn scraps I had. I think that it's good for somebody to have something special for when their baby comes into the world. Blankets and hats are always useful for newborns.

I'm playing with yarn again.

2010-03-04T06:49:00.000-08:00

As part of my effort to cope with my anxiety and stress, I'm striving to learn some new crochet techniques. I have this really nifty Tunisian Crochet hook and it's been a real eye opener as to how fast it uses up yarn. My first project was to make myself a crochet hook holder. It was insanely simple because the whole thing is just a rectangle made with the basic stitch.

I'm almost finished making a scarf for a surprise gift to somebody. It's shocking how fast this thing is working up. Over the course of about a week (where I work on this thing for about 2 to 3 hours in the evening), I have it almost finished. This thing is almost a full yard long. It's really shocking to me how fast this works up. It's also rather startling how much yarn gets used for it. I'm pretty sure that I could make some truly nice and warm sweaters for the boys over the course of a few evenings in this method. Given that Cuddle-Bear has outgrown the sweater I made for him so fast that he got to wear it for about two weeks. :P Hmm... I think I need to locate yarn...

In one of my crochet magazines, they discuss methods for making lace using Tunisian Crochet. I'm considering using some of the fine yarn that I made last year to do so. Once I get this scarf finished, I am going to be plying together the two balls of singles that I made with the Corridale wool that my mother-in-law gave me last year. I still have that lovely deep blue wool to finish spinning up. I haven't fully decided how I'm going to use it but there's some patterns that have caught my eye.

Household Notebook: Status - meh.

2010-02-21T17:36:00.001-08:00

I've only gotten one section done. And it's not even properly done yet. I'm just finding it difficult to sit down and put this thing together. I know that it would do a world of good for keeping things straightened out and organized around here. It doesn't change, however, that when I look at this project I simply see a huge amount of effort to be expended in one shot.

My motivation is lacking. My apathy is showing.

Ramblings.

2010-02-21T13:36:00.000-08:00

It's been bothering me for a little while now, this whole business with the stack of bills being bigger then the amount of money we have coming in. I think that I need to do something to bring some form of money into the house but I don't know what to do. I am debating hopping back on to Keen and giving all of that another try. I'm also considering looking into something like medical billing or something else similar. It's hard because I'm petrified of the idea that I'm going to do something wrong and make a difficult situation even worse.

We can't pay our bills on Beloved's income. There's no way around it. We've been doing everything we can, but there's no way we can keep this up. Something is going to have to be sacrificed and I don't know what we can sacrifice. I don't know how we're going to pay for my counseling but I have to admit that I need it now. I've been trying to get by with out it but it's just hit that point where I need to work with somebody. I need to figure out what we're going to do for a babysitter when I have my sessions. I know that I can't go to any of my side of the family because the people in any other family that wasn't as fucked up as mine... well, I've got my Aunt and my brother's soon to be ex-wife for support there and that's it.

Sure, the rest of them can pay lip service to how they care and stuff but they haven't been around and it's just not going to happen with my parents. My grandparents, as much as they'd like to, simply are not going to be able to do so. My grandfather has his hands full just caring for my grandmother as the Alzheimer's robs her of her sanity. I can't ask him to mind two little boys on top of that. Alzheimer's does funny things to the brain and everybody recognizes that it's safest for everyone involved to have my grandmother supervised when around small children. Not because she's a dangerous person but because she's been forgetful to the point of nearly burning herself in the middle of cooking dinner.

Beloved's family is a lot like mine in that respect also. Theoretically, we could call on his sister or his brother, but life is getting in the way there. Schedules are crazy and rarely do they match up enough for us to get together for something planned. We've called on his parents quite a bit for help. But life has been throwing them curve balls too, so I don't know what we're going to do. I'm considering talking to the neighbor next door to see if they can watch the boys for a little bit.

Beloved kinda snarls at the prospect of the teenagers over there watching them and says that they're not responsible enough. I don't think he realizes that we're pretty much out of other options here. It's that or nothing.

I'm worried. We don't have enough money and we've got a pile of bills that need paid. Rent is going to be due for next month soon and there's no way we can pay it along with everything else. We've got the power bill that hasn't been paid for two months, the car payment that is in the same position, and I don't even know what's going on with the health insurance. He has been declared in default on his student loans and I'm in danger of the same with mine. We simply can't pay them. We'd love to but we just don't have the money.

Unlike other people, we don't have a pile of credit card bills as the source of our problems. It's instead the everyday bills like the cost of doing laundry, groceries, and various other things. I'm terrified that we're going to actually owe money on our taxes this year. I can't shake the terrible feeling that he's going to be laid off again in the near future. While his boss gets to sit on his ass and bitch and moan about things while he fucks around with stupid shit and pet projects, we're going to be scrambling to find where we can cut more out of our budget to pay for groceries and diapers. And the god damn state will still tell us that we don't qualify for financial assistance because he's a few hundred dollars over the line for anything.

But, I look around and I see other people who aren't doing their damnedest to try and keep going basically getting rewarded for not doing shit. I've got neighbors who spend almost as much on beer and hard liquor for a weekend as we do for a car payment. They sit there and moan about how expensive everything is, while their heating bills are paid by somebody else, their groceries are paid for by WIC or food stamps, and their rent is subsidized. I don't have a problem with welfare but the system is broken. When you're told to get fired from your job to get more assistance, that's a sign that something is seriously wrong.

But what can I do about it? My vote doesn't change things. My efforts to remain independent and make things work without assistance (because I'm told that I don't qualify due to a technicality) get me nowhere. We have no savings because each major crisis that came along has eaten everything we've tried to save. We tried to put all the money that people had given us as gifts for the boys aside, but that has been eaten as well. We're down to 40 dollars in our emergency fund.

I don't know if we should pull the money out of the 401K or not. It would only be a temporary solution anyways because we've got enough debt hanging over our heads that it'd be gone in a few weeks if we started doing what we could to make the bills go away. We're coming up fast on a crisis point and I don't know what we can do about it. That terrifies me. I remember not having enough money to buy food and Mom foraging for stuff we can eat from the woods. I remember not having enough money to get new clothes for school.

I love my children...

2010-02-18T07:23:00.000-08:00

I love my children but they are just driving me crazy at the moment. Anyone who tells you that toddlers are easy to deal with is lying to you. Seriously, they are. How can I say this? Because my 2 1/2 year old son is a sweet child that is out to make me pull my hair out. He has thrown the largest temper tantrums recently and I'm not sure if it's because he's teething, suffering from cabin fever (because the weather hasn't been exactly kind to us going outside recently), or if he's just been in a perverse mood. Either way, I find myself wondering what on earth I was thinking when I so desperately wished for children because I had no clue what so ever how difficult this was going to be.

And my friends and family members with older children tell me it only gets better. Is this a good type of better or the sarcastic kind, because I'm kind of dreading this. Ah well, at least the baby is napping and Cuddle-Bear has stopped screaming to play with his hair brush. Granted, it's a bit annoying that he's decided to brush the baby gate with it, but you know what, he's not doing any harm so I'm not going to reprimand him for it. Annoying is better then ear-splitting shrieks any day of the week.

Wait! What...?

2010-02-17T05:13:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here feeding Snuggle-Bug his morning bottle when I read this article and I'm taken aback by the hubris. While I recognize there is some pro-Iran and anti-US bias here, there would be no story if the two Senators actually hadn't said or done anything along these lines. Pushing for passage of a bill that calls for official US support of the undermining of another sovereign nation is tantamount to a soft declaration of war against that nation. I say a soft declaration of war because these two bloated cowards that play at being leaders of this nation lack the intestinal fortitude to put forth an actual declaration.

If you are going to demand a regime change and you are throwing official support behind the people opposing the sitting government, how does that make you any different from Osama Bin Laden? Furthermore, how does it make this country any different from the nations that are currently labeled as our enemies in the 'War on Terror"? Honestly, you hypocrites, do you really expect me to believe that you are some how morally superior to the others out there who call for the same things regarding our nation? While you sit there comfortably ensconced in the halls of power over there in Washington, DC, the rest of the nation is expecting you to do your damn job, not dick around with this bullshit.

How is it your job to make soft declarations of war against another nation that has not taken any aggressive action against our own? How is it your job to make a soft declaration of war when we're currently engaged in two right now? If you wanted to be technical about it, it is two different theaters of the same war. Either way, you're not there to be doing this shit. You want to be an asshole, do it on your own time. The people of this nation are not served by your encouraging hostility and tensions in the Middle East along with anti-US sentiment around the world. Your doing idiotic shit like this justifies the logic of people like Osama Bin Laden for why they're engaged in asymmetrical warfare against us. If I recall correctly that is the current term used to describe the changes in modern warfare that have come with the rise of terrorism, right?

Each day that the current war extends out longer is going to be on your head. Each additional attack against US interests and citizens around the world is going to be on your head. Each death that comes from these things is going to be blood on your hands. You are just as culpable as the guy who pulled the trigger because you placed US citizens in this position with your chest pounding rhetoric. If my youngest brother dies in combat, you are his murderer along with the person who pulled the trigger.

Why? Because that person may as well have been the gun in your hand, for you sent my brother there along with many others of my countrymen. There is no justice in this war. There hasn't been from day one. It was started out of a desire to blindly attack and get revenge. It continues out of political machinations. I suppose Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia or what ever the enemy de juor.

As an aside: Ironically, my misspelling 'de juor' was 'de jure'. It could be equally apt in this situation.

Well, Hello Nursezilla.

2010-02-15T04:41:00.000-08:00

I read this blog entry on the New York Times website and thought to myself, 'Hey, I recognize what they're talking about.' I didn't come away with warm fuzzies because it really is something that I've experienced and still feel significant anger on that matter. Nurses acting in an unprofessional manner is just as horrible as a doctor doing so. I'm not picking on just nurses here.

No, the beef that I have is with the medical community at large taking the attitude that they are untouchable. If you go to have medical treatment at a hospital (and at some doctor's offices this attitude is present as well), you need to have the Oliver Twist-esque stance of your hat in your hand and begging for aid. I've lost count the number of times I've been told that health care is not a right. This hasn't just been from people out in the community, but also from medical professionals. At times in the midst of my health crisis, as some type of justification of poor service.

A fine example was when I was sent to the hospital by my doctor for a nebulizer treatment and the triage nurse decided that it wasn't necessary to expedite it because while my lung function was at half of it's usual capacity my blood oxygen still looked 'ok'. I was told to wait a few minutes and that I'd start feeling better. This was after a mildly harrowing half hour drive from out here in the country to the city hospital, going directly from my doctor's office to there and with the doctor's office calling a head that I was on my way. Another nurse told me that I needed to relax and that I was just over-reacting.

Look, I can appreciate the fact that asthma can be aggravated by emotional stress. But to tell a person who was sent to you by their primary care physician that it's not really a problem is bullshit. It disgusts me because if you don't want to be treated like crap, you're either going to continue to suffer with your ailment or be told to suck it up, because you don't have a choice. There's a lot of good doctors and nurses out there. I'm not saying there isn't. There is a cultural attitude, however, that the medical profession is exempt from being required to treat patients with respect. When you're told that your health problems are not a result of a chronic condition that you can not have possibly induced in yourself, as per the evidence of your chart and medical history, but rather a result of your laziness or some other quality assigned to you by the 'professional' speaking to you (who doesn't know you from any other random person on the street), and you are expected to tolerate if not agree with this verbal abuse... Well, I've got a problem with that.

I've got a problem with the idea that parents are forced to subject their children to emotional abuse of this caliber and if they refuse, it is possible that they are going to be punished by the law for it. Not the people emotionally abusing the children but the parents who are attempting to protect them. Why do I say this? Because there are cases on record around the USA where parents are charged with child abuse because they did not bring their children to the doctor. How many of those cases are a situation where the parents were attempting to keep their children from being bullied by the medical staff who are supposed to be caring for them? I've a suspicion that this would make up a percentage of those cases that's going to show it's not an unexpected outlier.

Grief given voice...

2010-02-10T07:58:00.001-08:00

Grief given voice by music takes the wings and flies to the ear of god from the lips of the sorrowful in a poignant prayer for mercy, grace, and aid.

As words fail me, I turn to the music of others and the performances of others to voice my own sorrow.

Verdi's 'Willow Song' from Otello, final act, second scene (if I recall correctly), as performed by Renee Fleming.

Dido's 'My Lover's Gone' from her album No Angel.

Enya's 'Exile' from her album Watermark.

Howard Shore's 'Evenstar' from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Tower's Soundtrack

Howard Shore's 'Helm's Deep' from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Tower's Soundtrack (specifically the section that starts at 3:22)

Feeding my coffee addiction..

2010-02-08T12:10:00.000-08:00

I'm slapping this link up here because if I'm going to be feeding my coffee habit, I may as well satisfy my chocolate craving at the same time.

Excellent book on Spinning!

2010-02-07T07:24:00.000-08:00

I just have to say it because I looked over and was reminded of this:

Spin To Knit is an AWESOME book! It has some excellent advice for new spinners and some truly fantastic patterns! If you're interested in spinning or knitting, it's a great book. Not only is it a wonderful source of ideas and projects, it is absolutely a fantastic read. I really loved the beautiful photographs used to illustrate and the really pleasant little sidebars that talk about the designers and the yarns used for the samples. If you have the opportunity to pick it up and read it, do so. If you can put it in your handcraft library, you absolutely, positively MUST do it!

Shawls & other fun with yarn!

2010-02-07T06:56:00.001-08:00

I kinda have a passion for shawls. I love the way they look and how it feels to wear them. I have a wonderful gray fleece one that is so incredibly soft that it is an absolute favorite of mine. I miss the absolutely lovely bright pink wool one that I had. It was the first shawl I owned and it was so amazingly warm because it was wool. Unfortunately, it was destroyed in the same fire that destroyed Rose and Nathan's home almost two years ago.

I've made a triangular crochet shawl of approximately the same shade of pink. While lovely and warm, it isn't quite big enough for what I wanted. It's a really nice wrap, however, and excellent if a little something is needed for a warm late spring/early summer afternoon to shield you from the breeze. It's just a very large half granny-square made with a US size F hook and about two balls of bright pink hand spun yarn that I was given as a gift a little while before I found out I was pregnant with my second child.

I'm considering knitting a shawl for myself and I found a pattern that is simple enough that I think I'm going to do it. I love the versatility of the end result of this pattern. I really like the idea that I can use it for more then one outfit and for a proverbial laundry list of different looks. It'll be interesting to see if I have enough of that absolutely stunning deep burgundy yarn that my mother-in-law gave me.

My first objective before I start on this project, however, is to use up my yarn stash. I believe I may just start that scarf for Beloved for Yule this year. It may work to use up that yarn stash better then making clothes for Cuddle-Bear's baby doll toy. I finished the blanket I was knitting for my friend Kevin's new baby. It is made with an incredibly simple pattern and two yarns together.

The yarns are a commercially made sport weight acrylic and a hand spun woolen yarn of approximately the same weight and incredibly soft texture. The pattern to knit this yarn can be done on any kind of needles. I used US size 10 knitting needles. You cast on 3 stitches and then knit one, increase, knit one, increase, and knit. In the next row, you purl in all of your stitches. The following row, knit one, increase, and then knit thru all but the last stitch. Increase and then knit your final stitch in the row. Purl all of the next row and then repeat the knit process of the row before. You continue this until your blanket is of the length you want it from the needle down to the point at where you started. Then, purl a row, knit a row and purl a row. Next you knit together the first two stitches of your row before knitting all but the last two stitches of the row. Knit together those last two stitches. Purl the next row and then in the following row knit as you did for the row before. Decrease until you have two stitches left on your needle. Cast off and you're finished with your baby blanket.

I had the audacity not to cast off but whip out my US size H crochet hook. I proceeded to chain five and then do a half double crochet into the first decrease I encountered on the edge. I chained two and did another half double into the next decrease. I continued this way until I reached where the three stitches didn't decrease or increase. Here, I chained two from the last half double crochet I worked and then did a double crochet into the knit row in the middle of that section. I chained two and then did a half double crochet into the first increase I encountered. I proceeded as I did for the previous side.

When I reached the point of the first increase for the whole blanket, I worked around that corner as I did for the corner previous. I proceeded around the remaining edges of the blanket in this fashion until I came back to where I started my crochet edging. From the final half double crochet I worked, I chained one and slip stitched into my chain of 3. I then chained three more, did a half double crochet into the slip stitch, and chained one. I worked my way around the edging doing two half double crochet stitches into where I had my openings from my earlier row with a single chain between each cluster. At the corners, I worked three chains to turn. When I got to my starting point for the row, I slip stitched into the chain and then tied off.

All that is left to finish this blanket is to wash and block it. I will need to write down washing instructions for this thing, but it's going to be a good blanket for this baby. It is nice and warm and knit in a stockinette stitch it has a good texture. One side is nice and smooth while the other is pleasantly nubby. Knit in the two yarns, it is also going to be nice and warm. I'll post a picture of this up when it blocking process is dry.

In other news, I finished spinning up my singles of the fluffy white Corridale wool that my mother-in-law gave me last spring. Now I need to ply it and then I'll be ready to work it up into something nice. I still have to finish spinning up the indigo dyed roving that she gave me then. I'm debating what I should make with that when it is done. I'll figure something good out, though.

Brownies = OMFG! WIIIIIIN!!!!

2010-02-04T07:50:00.000-08:00

I made that recipe last night and it came out absolutely beautifully. It was a nice, dense brownie with excellent flavor and texture. Not too chewy and just absolutely perfect. Anybody who is considering taking the risk to do it you absolutely MUST make these brownies!

The teething biscuits didn't come out quite right. I'm going to try again, but I'm pretty sure that they're missing something. I may need to put more flour in it next time.

Hmm.... Perhaps the Times will help me learn math.

2010-02-04T04:21:00.000-08:00

There is a series of opinion articles that I'm going to be following on the New York Times. In it, the author (a respected mathematics professor over at Cornell University) is giving an explanation of the concepts of mathematics for the lay man. I've got to say, I feel a tremendous sense of hope upon reading the first article of the series. I've always felt overwhelmed and troubled by the concept of numbers.

When I was a kid, I made the mistake of asking questions about number theory of my teachers in elementary school. Their rough dismissals combined with my being told to just accept things because it's the way they are worked to make numbers a troubling concept. Add to this things like multiplication confusing me and no one managing to help me understand it (because I'm being told just to memorize it), it makes it really difficult to become comfortable or even indifferent towards mathematics.

Throw in that at the time this was going on, my family was suffering the effects of poverty and I could see what not having enough money and making mistakes with money lead to.... Well, it takes numbers from an uncomfortable place to a terrifying place when I'm being told to think of my math problems as dealing with money. Working past the emotional associations, there is still the bad job that was done by others to educate me when I was a child.

I look back and I can see only one teacher who helped me understand mathematics. Mrs. Lewis was (possibly still is, if she hasn't retired) a special education teacher who worked with me for a long while to get me to understand fractions. It is directly due to her efforts that I can do at least a passable job of division. It is also directly due to her efforts that I was able to learn how to do algerbra because she used some of the basic ideas of it to help me understand division. If this series of articles can help me to learn how to do basic multiplication, perhaps I'll be able to learn the aspects of higher mathematics that have been eluding me over the last several years and I will finally be able to write up my theory.

Our government is a pack of idiots...

2010-02-01T07:34:00.001-08:00

So, who else has had the opportunity to read some of the news about this lovely budget getting unveiled? Now, before some one says that I'm ranting because it is Obama or something else like that, I am firmly of the opinion that this is a case of 'meet the new boss, same as the old boss' like a lot of other things with the current administration. I'm ranting because this insanity of a multiple TRILLION DOLLAR DEFICIT is really irritating me.

If we citizens ran our finances the way that the federal government did, we'd be screwed. Same for the matter of state government, just look at California or New York state for examples of fiscal stupidity. The difference between the government and us citizens is really simple, they can strong arm more money out of us and we can't strong arm more money out of our employers. You know what this is closer to... It's more like we're dealing with some hack version of the Mob.

We're getting EXTORTED out of our money, people. Think about it, if the income tax didn't carry the penalty of fines and jail time (by the way, aren't the fines a little redundant?), do you think we'd be paying to the tune of almost a full third to nearly a half of our gross income in taxes? Don't believe me? Take a look at your next paycheck, you'll see what I'm talking about.

Oh, I know, you're going to say that things like Social Security and other such things are not taxes. Is the government taking your money? Is it a fine for breaking a law? Are you making a donation? No? Well, guess what, if it's not a fine and you're not making a charitable donation, it's a tax. Call it a fee or by any other name, it doesn't change what it is.

It's ok, however, because if we continue on the trend that we're going, the economy will collapse and we'll have Mad Max style anarchy, right?

Household Notebook (redux)

2010-02-01T06:52:00.001-08:00

Last night, in my effort to avoid sleeping because I didn't want to deal with nightmares again, I did some work on that household notebook thing. I've got the different sections I want in it divided up. I'm going to be adding more separators later when I have things a bit more organized and such. At the moment I've got the following sections:

Planning
Phone
Family
Home Management
Meals & Menus

The Planning section currently has a month at a glance calendar in it for the year, a schedule for myself and one for each of the boys. I am finding the regimentation of a written schedule is not working very well for me but it is working fairly well for the boys. I'm most likely going to replace the written schedule for me with a list of routines until I have a more accurate estimate of how long items take. Then, I'll be including the schedule for myself again. I hope to get a week at a glance calendar for this section as well, this way I can get the week planned out a bit more detailed then a few notes per day.

The Phone section is going to be getting reorganized. I started out with a list of emergency contacts followed by a list of family contacts. I'm going to sit down and re-prioritize that list. Obviously, the list of emergency contacts is going to be there on the front page of this section. This, however, is then going to be followed by an alphabetized list of frequently called numbers, additionally divided by if they're businesses, friends, or family. Obviously, there are going to be some numbers listed that don't get as many calls as others. That, however, isn't going to make too big of a difference, because of how it is going to be organized. I plan on using tabs to divide this section up.

The Family section is going to be divided up for each person. On the first page for each of our sections is going to be our full name, allergy list, and medical condition list. This way, god forbid, there is an emergency all of the major information like blood type and my medication allergies is really easy to find. A list of doctor visits is then going to follow this with the date, reason for appointment set up, diagnosis, and treatment. A part of me says it is overkill to do this, but then I look back over the last year and I can't help but feel that it is going to be extremely helpful to have this 'condensed' version of our medical history on hand.

I'm also going to be putting in the Family section things like what people's favorite colors are, clothing sizes, and food preferences. It's going to be pretty mercurial for the boys, but somethings may remain consistent for a while, like Cuddle-Bear's preference for sweet potatoes or Beloved's distaste for the combination of onions and tomato in pasta sauce. I realize that this is again going to seem like over kill but if Beloved needed to take care of things because I got terribly ill again in the future, I know that this is going to help him out.

It may seem counter intuitive, but the list of household rules is going to go under Home Management. It is just something that helps with how the house runs, thus, in my mind, it falls under the category of household management. There is going to be a subsection for chores assigned for each child (obviously Snuggle-Bug isn't big enough for chores yet, but when he is...) and chores divided up by each room. I like the suggested list of ideas for other things to go in this section on that OrganizedHome.com page about household notebooks.

I'm thinking about following their suggestions also on the Meals & Menus section. I'm pretty sure it would make Beloved's life a LOT easier if he could just look at a page and see what he needed to get at the grocery store on the occasions he is the one who goes out shopping. I know that it will make meal planning a lot easier. I am going to add one thing, however, to their list of things to put in that section. I'm going to put together a collection of recipes for the meals that we frequently have. This is going to be another thing for Beloved in case he needs to be in charge of things because I'm ill.

Of course, because I am planning around this possibility, I will never again be so horribly ill. It'll just be how it happens because when ever you plan for something like that it doesn't happen and you feel foolish until you start being lazy. THEN everything goes to hell and your back-up plan fails because you got lazy. :P Not that I have ever had anything like that happen to me before...

Household Notebook? Oops...

2010-01-29T07:36:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I was going to make one of those and then I forgot about it. :P

Something else to fight with later today. I've got a few different goals for today. I'm going to put together a list up here and if I can find the time later, I'll comment on how successful I was in meeting them.

1.) Write in:

Blogs
Morning Pages Journal
Daily Journal

2.) Clean Dishes
3.) Bag Dirty Clothes for Laundromat
4.) Sewing

Mend Beloved's pants
Mend Beloved's brown sweater
Finish hemming wrap
Make sock puppets for Cuddle-Bear

5.) Work on knitting baby blanket
Let's see how successful I am today.

Well, that was a cooking win.

2010-01-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

I cooked pork chops on a bed of rice with canned peaches. It gave the peaches a faint hint of the pork flavor. The rice came out a mix of savory and fruity, but not overly so. The pork was infused with a hint of peach. I think next time instead of saving the dash of curry and cinnamon for serving, I'll add it initially. On the whole, however, it came out quite well. Next time, I'm either serving peas along side this or acorn squash. I think they'd go together excellently.

Not too shabby for a throw it together quick dinner. I definately need to go grocery shopping soon. I think that'll be after my dr appt tomorrow. I really should plan out next week's menu before I go.

Making my own teething biscuts...

2010-01-25T10:14:00.000-08:00

Apparently you can't buy zweibeck toast at the store anymore. I've been looking but it's no where to be found. I've found a recipe that I am going to give a try. Here's hoping it works out well.

This has prospect...

2010-01-23T06:52:00.000-08:00

I was reading an article on the Time's website this morning that has me thinking. Apparently the best sellers on the Kindle and other similar platforms are free. Yep, the most downloaded books have been free. It makes me think that perhaps my first manuscript to be published should be in an electronic format and for free.

Controlling banks? I don't know about that...

2010-01-22T05:04:00.000-08:00

The Wall Street Journal has an article discussing President Obama's appeal to the international community for support in a plan to control aspects of the largest banks in the United States, calling on them to pass the same legislation in their nations. Now, I've got a problem with this on several levels. Because my focus here isn't to call the President to task for his hubris in what the Executive Branch of the American government is permitted to do, I'll save that rant for another day. No, my focus is on the banking regulation efforts and what I see as it's effect upon the economy. I'm not an economist by any stretch of the imagination, but I have taken two college level classes on the subject and read several book on personal finance to help me understand it.

Even with my limited understanding of this subject, I can see that controlling how the private banks are run is a bad thing. People may find the analogy I'm about to use like comparing apples and steaks. Apples and steaks, however, have a very basic thing in common (that they are food) and the commonality between banks and what I'm using for my analogy is going to be equally apparent with a little thought.

John Doe runs a car repair shop in little town A. His repair shop isn't very big but he is competent and does relatively brisk business. At the other end of town is a competing repair shop that is part of a national chain Brakes-R-Us. They do a large amount of business and carry the major burden of car repair for town A. Brakes-R-Us could actually be described as handling the majority of the needs because their workload is approximately twice that of John Doe's shop.

One day, Brakes-R-Us's location in town A makes the announcement that they are going to be closing their doors. This is after their location has been reassessed for property taxes and it becomes apparent that their tax burden, like that of John Doe's business, is going up. The town council becomes alarmed at this news and holds an immediate session. At the session it is argued that the tax increase should be waived for Brakes-R-Us because the only other car repair shop in town does not have the capacity to service everyone.

Now, I ask you, dear Reader, is it right for this town's government to waive the property tax for Brakes-R-Us? I believe that your answer will be the same as mine. No because waiving the property tax does not address the underlying problem at Brakes-R-Us's location in town A, among other things. If something else increased in expense, like if there was an unexpected increase in the cost for power or something else similar, Brakes-R-Us would be in the same position.

Let's say the town council votes to waive the property tax in exchange for Brakes-R-Us being required to show the town council their budget and making adjustments suggested to them by the town council. This again fails to solve the problem and actually creates an entirely new one. Because the town council is influenced by political agenda, this would in turn influence the suggestions made to Brakes-R-Us. This not only deprives the owners of Brakes-R-Us of their right to operate their business as they see fit, but makes them dependent upon the good will of the town council to remain in business. For the town council could force Brakes-R-Us out of business and do so under color of law in light of the arrangement presented.

Now, here's another scenario, let's say that the town council votes to waive the property tax and puts in place the requirement that they review the budget for Brakes-R-Us. The town council then determines that part of the problem for Brakes-R-Us is that they're offering too many services and are losing money by providing oil changes to their customers. The town council passes a law requiring that oil changes are done only by places that specializes in them. This is not a good solution either because it limits the choices of the customers of Brakes-R-Us and at John Doe's repair shop artificially. It also establishes the precedent for the second scenario to happen industry-wide in town A.

These three scenarios are describing the effect of government interfering with private business to the detriment of the community. Laws against child labor and preventing the abuse of employees by their bosses are examples of laws that are in place that are good for the community. The difference between the 'good' regulations and the 'bad' regulations is fairly simple. Is the law putting the population in a measure of duress? Is the law favoring one segmant of the population above the rest? Is the law inhibiting the population's exercising of their inherent civil rights? If the answer to the above is yes, it is a bad law and it should be abolished.

The banking system's failures over the last few years are not because the banks are flawed. They are the result of a confluence of factors that highlight the flaws in the system and the effects of generations of government interference. When you look at the long term cycle of how the economy functions, specifically a capitalism based economic system, you will see that it moves from a period of growth into a plateau followed by a period of loss, another plateau and then another growth period. Within this larger cycle are smaller cycles that follow the a similar pattern.

When the government takes action to artificially extend or promote periods of growth this makes the drop from plateau to plateau larger. Things like switching from a currency based in real goods (like gold) to one based in a concept (like what we have now) encourages inflation of the currency which occurs as the growth period is artificially extended. When the inflationary period collapses, it is a correction of the market back to parity. If you study the financial history of the nation, you will find that we are not only due for market correction but also a period of loss. We're actually past due for a period of loss.

The inflation of the US currency in an desperate effort to stave off the period of loss that is inevitable has had the exact opposite effect of what was intended. It did not bring greater stability to the economy or equality in the socio-economic classes. Instead it brought the illusion of stability and laid the ground work for a deeper drop into (and possibly a longer) plateau following the period of loss. For those who are a little confused between the terms recession and depression, by the way, when it comes to economics here's a quick heads up. A recession is the period of loss that I mentioned earlier. A depression is the plateau that follow the recession.

Instead of preparing the nation for the coming depression, the economic policy of the United States government had been to inflate the currency in a desperate effort to avoid it. They were pushing the proverbial pendulum farther and farther to one side in an effort to have it not swing in the other direction, completely ignoring the fact that a pendulum simply doesn't function that way. They are only providing more potential energy to be turned into kinetic when the pendulum swings back in the other direction. This makes the pendulum swing faster and go higher when it reaches the other side. The same is true for the economy.

What the government should have been doing was encouraging people to be more conservative in their spending during the 'Roaring 90's' and laying the ground work to provide for the needs that are going to come up during the next depression. This, however, was the last thing upon anyone's mind in the government or the population at large. If you want to prepare, it's not completely too late. Look into what you can do to get a small garden going, learn a skill that uses real goods and that you can barter with others if needed, or start building up your emergency supplies for a possible storm or major crisis.

Practical measures mean hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. The government has always failed to do that and has encouraged the population to ignore taking such steps. Why is that? Because when a crisis happens, the government can step in and seize more power from the people under the guise of helping them. I, for one, refuse to trade my liberty for the warm fuzzy feeling of security. That's all it is, a feeling and a state of mind. We are no more secure today then we were yesterday. Economically, socially, or physically, this has not changed. As a people, we need to take control of our destiny and take the measures required to keep ourselves safe, healthy, and to advance our goals.

You don't trust a complete stranger with your bank information, why do you trust the government? All it is is a large group of strangers with an agenda. And that agenda is to control you and justify their salaries and power base. Do you really want to trust that group of strangers?

Ah toddlers and their imaginations...

2010-01-21T15:13:00.000-08:00

So, I asked Cuddle-Bear what he wanted for dinner. His answer was : Buttons! My solution - ritz crackers sandwiches with cream cheese in the middle, vanilla wafer cookies with peach puree in the middle, and freeze dried apple bits. He appears to be really enjoying it. :)

Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Not just for Physics anymore

2010-01-21T05:08:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here, feeding Snuggle-Bug and reading the news on-line when I spot an article titled: The day I decided to stop being gay. To say the least, the title raised an eyebrow and I was curious. As I read the article, I found myself inwardly sighing with disappointment. It's clear that the author has been struggling with the same binary perspective of human sexuality as so many other people in Western society (among many others) has for generations.

I was disappointed to see the mixture of ambivalence to heterosexuality and mild antagonism to homosexuality peppered liberally thru out his piece. Oh, the writing is very good and this is an editorial, thus an entirely appropriate place to express biases and opinions. I'm not complaining on that front at all. He wrote an excellent article and did a very good job making it both entertaining and easy to read. Two things that I believe are very important in writing a good opinion article. He clearly has a strong grasp of the written word and did a very good job using it to express himself. The author may want to consider doing some more writing on the side of his job as a teacher.

It doesn't change my disappointment, however. I guess I was foolish to think that perhaps he would have taken a more... understanding perspective on sexuality. The perspective he did take was clearly more reasonable then that of people like Pat Robertson and even more reasonable then that of several of my neighbors. Perhaps understanding is not the correct word but rather compassionate.

I am firmly of a mind that being homosexual or heterosexual is not a choice but rather following the inclinations that one has within them. We're built to be attracted to a certain type of person and gender is a component in this attraction. Is it possible for a gay man to be attracted to women? Yes, there may be other factors that override the strong pull of attraction to other men and that is not a bad thing. I don't think this automatically make the gay man heterosexual. Nor do I think that the 'reverse' of a heterosexual being attracted to a person of the same gender as themselves is going to automatically make them homosexual. The terms homosexual and heterosexual are designations of opposite ends of a spectrum.

I think it is rare to find the person who is completely heterosexual or homosexual. I think it is far more common to find people who identify more with the heterosexual or homosexual end of the spectrum because that is the more dominant of their appetites. I also don't think that hetero- and homosexual are going to make up the only spectrum to describe sexuality. I believe that sexuality is an extremely complex and beautiful thing.

There are many, many different aspects to it that we need to accept are just there and it can't be boiled down to a single 'one or the other' point. Even the example of the spectrum is going to fail at some point because there's just going to be too many different factors to keep it all organized. Trying to pinpoint where a person is in their sexual orientation in comparison to everyone else may be possible for that one person. When you start trying to do so for an entire population, let's not even look at the whole of humanity just a group of people, you encounter the same problem that you get when trying to place where each and every electron is around the nucleus of an atom.

I think I've found it!

2010-01-20T17:15:00.000-08:00

While I don't think I'm quite ready to knit on double pointed needles yet or make knitted socks using the circular needles I have (for as I read more I find that I'm really not ready for that challenge), I have found a crochet pattern that I'm going to do!

The directions are very easy to read and I'm looking forward to using up some of this yarn that I've got around in scraps so I can get to the yarn that I made and the lovely yarn that my Mother-In-Law gave me for Yule. Some of it is in the most wonderful cranberry color! I am having visions of making a sweater with it dancing in my head! :)

Here is a link to the crochet sock pattern. I'm going to be starting on it soon. First, I need to make a few more pairs of baby booties because Snuggle-Bug is out growing the ones we have so fast!

Accomplishments vs Tasks.

2010-01-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

So, a gal on a forum I'm apart of suggested that I replace my list of things to do with a list of things accomplished. I have to say the concept is sitting pretty well with me. It's part of a series of changes I am making to comply with what Beloved has told me he wants me to accomplish. He told me very clearly that he wants me to take better care of myself. Changing my perspective on a bunch of things is going to go a long way towards making that a successful endevour.

I want to get healthier this year and I want to accomplish a few really challenging things too. These are going to possibly be the easier part of complying with Beloved's wishes. Breaking habits and years of thought patterns is going to be the hard part. Changing how I view things like the tasks that need done around here is going to possibly be the roughest. So, little steps like having a list of accomplishments rather then a list of things to do are going to be important.

Here are my morning and early afternoon accomplishments:

Got myself up, showered, dressed, and had breakfast
Got both boys up, changed, and fed breakfast
Played with both boys for approximately an hour and a half
Balanced the checkbook
Helped Cuddle-Bear get out toys and put toys away
Morning diaper duty
Helped Cuddle-Bear sing songs to Snuggle-Bug and to his toy baby
Gave both boys their morning snack
Rocked Snuggle-Bug and put him down for his morning nap
Folded one and a half loads of laundry
Supervised Cuddle-Bear's efforts to put some of his story books away
Set up Mean Kitty Song on YouTube for Cuddle-Bear and made lunch for the boys and I
Gave lunch to the boys
Supervised Cuddle-Bear and Snuggle-Bug playing together as I ate my lunch
Read Cuddle-Bear a story
Afternoon diaper duty
Rocked Snuggle-Bug and put him down for his afternoon nap
Calmed Cuddle-Bear and put him down for his afternoon nap
Planned dinner for tonight
Checked my e-mail and read the news around the world
Meditated

Wow, that's alot of stuff to have done for half the day. It makes the few things left on my list not seem impossible And it makes me feel not quite so bad about being tired right now. Between my difficulty sleeping recently and doing more then I thought I had this morning and thru the early afternoon, I guess I've earned a little bit of a nap. This time, however, I really should set some kind of alarm so that I'm not waking up almost at dinner time.

Remember, YOU have nothing to hide...

2010-01-19T05:36:00.000-08:00

The title of this post is sarcastic. We've all got stuff to hide, stuff that we want to keep private. We don't want the world at large to know details about things like our bank accounts, the number of speeding tickets we've had, or anything else that really is none of their business unless we choose to share it with them. I hate the Patriot Act. Among the reasons why I hate that abomination is because it has set a precedent for actions like this:

The FBI illegally collected 2,000 U.S. telephone call records between 2002 and 2006 by invoking terrorism emergencies that did not exist or persuading phone companies to provide them says the Washington Post.
~ The Crime Report, 1/19/2019

Now, perhaps I am a starry eyed Pollyanna. Maybe some sneaky bastards down there in DC changed things like the principles that the government of this country has been founded on. Quick, let's check to see if the Declaration of Independence has been edited.... Hmm... looking at the text that's available Google can't find any evidence that it's been changed. And I am pretty sure that something that is as much of a bureaucratic mess as the government of the United States can keep a scandal as large as something crazy like that quiet. Looks like there's no new amendments that strip away the protections of the 4th Amendment either.

Listen up kids, this is gonna be something big and I want you all to get it right. If you have to, take notes, tattoo it on your forehead, or do what ever else you need to so that you can remember it:

The Patriot Act and the precedent set for spying upon the citizenry of this nation is UNCONSITUTIONAL because it VIOLATES the 4th Amendment.

Oh, I know, some folks are going to stand there and tell me that I'm over simplifying. I'm going to tell them that they are cowards who are willing to trade their liberty, mine, and that of my children for the ILLUSION of security that is dangled out infront of them by the government. It is none of the government's business what I do in my private life. If there is an accusation that I am breaking the law, I am innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof rests upon my accusors.

The 4th Amendment is in place to prevent things like the flagrant abuse of people's rights in the case where their car was used to commit a crime that they were not involved in, and now the owner is deprived of their posessions even after that case has been closed. Oh, and if you think I'm just pulling that example out of my hat, it was actually in the news a few weeks ago. The 4th Amendment is in place to prevent the erosion of personal property rights, as was blatantly done by the Supreme Court back a few years ago with that decision on emement domain. You know, the one that says the village wanting to take your house for making a parking lot, which fails in town council but after your house has been seized is legal.

There's a reason why there has been so much action taken to turn the 4th Amendment into as much of a foot note in the consciousness of the people of the United States as the 3rd Amendment is. Just like I said in my argument against mayoral control of a school district, this is a movement to disenfranchise the people. Where as the first is part of a campaign to render the right to vote useless in the minds of the people, the campaign to functionally nullify the 4th Amendment is focused upon having us surrender our privacy and individuality. George Orwell warned against this in his book 1984.

This silent campaign to disenfranchise the nation is part of the rise of fascisim. The blanket hatred of Islam and those who practice this religion, as well as of those who are apologists for it, has the same stink as the anti-semitism that came with the last incarnation of fascisim. Fascisim has been responsible for some of the world's greatest tragedies in modern history. If we have to, let's look at the painfully obvious examples of the Concentration camps of Nazi Germany.

The actions of the government to undermine the 4th Amendment and other rights of the people may not be those of Brownshirts, but it's still an exercise of fascisim. It's perhaps even more hideous because it is being done under color of law. Remember one of the biggest proponents of abusing their people under color of law was Stalin. Do we really want to go there?

We need to oppose all actions of the government to strip us of our rights. Even if they claim it is for our own good or the good of our children. Each time I am told that if I am innocent that I should not be afraid, I feel disgusted. This is the same approach that was taken by the Inquisitors. People were tortured into confessing. People were turned in to them for the basis of political or monetary gain. We stand poised on the precipice of seeing such things return in a new and horrific fashion.

Failure to oppose this is not an option. Not if we're to remain a free people.

Getting back into the swing of things, sort of.

2010-01-18T09:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I've managed to reclaim part of my morning routine. :) Now I just need to get my afternoon routine back together and I'll be sitting pretty. Even if I don't succeed, however, I've made progress. For the first time in weeks, I've actually gotten things like balancing the checkbook done.

That's a big WIN!

Crochet hook bag!

2010-01-17T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'll post a pic of the finished product when Beloved shows me how to get pics off the camera again. (I always forget how to do that. :P) I made this for a friend of mine to hold the extra crochet hooks from my collection that I am giving her. I'm going to make another one for myself, because this just came out so cute! It's a good project for using up scrap yarn. :)

Materials Needed:

Size 'D' crochet hook
Assorted small lengths of yarn (Medium weight is what I used, thus suggested for this project.)
Scissors

Crochet Stitches used: Wattle Stitch, Single crochet

Chain 70, turn
Skip first two chains, crochet wattle stitch into 3rd chain from the hook.
Proceed to end of row. In last chain of row, crochet one single crochet.
Chain one, turn.
Repeat steps 1 - 4 for 12 rows.
Fold fabric in half, slip stitch from edge to fold. Tie off and weave ends in.
Slip stitch from fold to edge on opposite side. Single crochet into same spot.
Chain 4, single crochet into edge of first row.
Chain 4, single crochet into edge of second row.
Repeat around opening.
At edge of first row on opposite side of step 8, chain 9
Single crochet into starting loop for step 8 at starting point.
Turn, single crochet over loop formed in step 11 until covered with single crochet stitches.
Single crochet into starting loop for 11, tie off and weave ends in.
Braid 3 strands of yarn (each 1 ft long) into a cord. Wave into small loops at opening for drawstring closure.

I added new yarn in at beginning of rows 2, 4, 8 and 10. You may want to do so differently, but either way this works up into a nice little bag that holds all but the size Q hook. I have a size Q hook in this bag passed thru the large loop (which is intended to be clipped to your project bag) and into the bag itself with the draw string opening pulled up tight around it. While this is not extremely secure for the size Q hook, it works reasonably well. If you turn the bag upside down, the hook doesn't fall out.

Getting back to my routine? Yeah, right!

2010-01-17T08:01:00.000-08:00

I had a relatively decent routine a while back. Then the holidays happened and then I got sick. Now I'm sitting here looking around at the remnants of that routine and I feel badly about it. Getting back into the routine is proving about as easy as fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans. :(

I suppose that means it's time to do the metaphorical sit-ups and stuff.

I've got plans for this year. Among them, I want to get a better handle on my anxiety over money. I also want to get my home organized and get this whole keeping the house clean business under control. I'm going to try to encourage Cuddle-Bear to pick up his toys more. Who knows, maybe I'll even manage to teach him how to put his books away. I suspect it may be a little over optimistic, but what the hell, right?

I'm such a fool...

2010-01-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

I let my insecurities and fears get in the way so very much. I get tongue-tied and nervous, so I avoid talking to people that I really do want to. Stormcrow and I talked about this at one point. He's of the opinion I should just let these things go. I think he's right but I'm not sure what to do to replace the habit of fear. He was at a loss for suggestions. The method by which he dealt with this kind of thing really isn't an option for me.

I guess I could jump right in. I'm pretty sure that's what Stormcrow would suggest and I'm fairly sure that's what most of my other friends would also advise. How is it that I think up characters that are bold, if not fearless, and I stumble over fear almost daily? These characters are based on me and parts of my psyche. Why is that courage and joi de verve that are in so many of these character that I create so hard for me to tap into?

And why does rejection terrify me so much? I suppose nothing ventured, nothing gained. I can't use the excuse of liquid courage pushing me forward or powerful pain meds stripping away my inhibitions. Somedays, I think it's a good thing that I refuse to drink on a regular basis. I could see myself as a functional alcoholic with periods of being a very... very sadistic and mean drunk. I can't depend on something mechanically removing those blocks, I need to do it myself. And I sit here stalling and half tempted to go read that dopey train story for the billionth time rather then write the e-mail. *sighs*

That means it's time to write the e-mail. It's ironic, I'm polyamorous but terrified to express it. Much like I'm still damn afraid of my bisexuality. Someday, eventually, I'll get past these fears. First, however, I should stop stalling and write that e-mail.

Blarg, I'm a coffee-zombie!

2010-01-17T06:37:00.000-08:00

I have a new term for that feeling of being not awake enough to function: coffee-zombie.

While regular zombies seek living flesh to consume, coffee-zombies seek coffee or other caffeinated beverages. When observed in their natural habitat, coffee-zombies greatly resemble regular zombies in their shambling movements and relatively slow. Generally, coffee-zombies are less dangerous then regular zombies. If you bring a coffee-zombie their favored nourishment, it is possible that you can acquire one as a pet. Great caution must be exercised in bringing coffee-zombies their nourishment. If it is not delivered promptly upon giving indication it will be presented or if it is unavailable, coffee-zombies risk becoming a variant of regular zombies.